280611 ♥ x

i miss watching friends with you :(
i feel so empty.
like the best part of me has disappeared.
why cant i be a bitch and just hate you?
i wanna hate you and be like, i hate him.
but i cant, im just not that person and i cant hate you.
all i can do is miss you.
when we hugged today, i just never wanted to let go and i never wanted you to let me go.
i was trying to comfort you when i was the one who needed comforting.
putting on a brave face is so freaking hard.
the last thing that i wanted was for you to see me cry over you.
all i could do was say: "hey, smile, its gonna be okai," cos you looked so sad, when in fact, all i wanted was to break down and ask you to not let go.
to ask you to not let something this good go.
to ask you to not let me go.
but i couldnt ask that, im not that type of person.
i cant make you stay.
i read a text from you today when i asked what you wouldve been like if i had gotten with someone new in the time that we werent together the first time.
you told me that youd be a bit happy that id moved on.
i cant help but think that theres more to this and that theres a reason for this.
but i cant think like that, and i dont wanna hope.
i dont wanna get disappointed again.
i never thought wed get together again after the first time.
i stopped hoping.
so this time, im doing the same.
because it felt a lot better.
disappointment makes me sad, and i dont wanna be sad.
i needed you, i really did.
but i get that you dont need me anymore, so i have to accept that.
i really thought you were the one and you told me that i was the one for you.
but you said that all good things come to an end.
its weird, its happened once, its happened twice, yet i dont hate you at all.
i couldnt ever hate you, even if i tried.
it doesnt seem that weird you not texting me 24 hours a day, cos its like, i got used to it over the past month.
i honestly got over it, but you know what?
i will honestly miss my goodnight texts, and all those cute things you say to me.
just typing this is making me cry and just want you here.
but i have to stop wishing you were here.
this time, in a way, i fell so much deeper for you, because we were a lot closer and a lot stronger.
but apparently we werent strong enough.
but i just want you to be happy, because you are so special to me.
and you mean so much more to me than you will ever know.
im sorry that i wasnt good enough for you, and im sorry that in the end, i couldnt keep you.
i wish that i could.
you dont know this, but i would do anything for you to stay mine.
i would do anything for things to go back to how they were before.
but i cant change and neither can you.
i hope everythings good for you now that im not there anymore.
and i hope that youll be the happy toby that i know.
because when youre happy, so am i.
you told me that my smiles the best smile imaginable.
and to me, your smile was part of my everything, and it was truly something that i missed and looked forward to every single second of the day.

im so stupid.
i just printed out all the texts i saved from him to put into the jar of stuff.
and i stupidly started to read them.
im now crying stupidly.
stupid, stupid, stupid.
he counted down the minutes till he saw me.
i was an amazing and perfect girlfriend.
he wanted to fall asleep with me next to him with his arm wrapped around me.
when he was busy, he wondered why we werent together.
i lit up the room and he really really liked me.

why did everything just stop?
why did everything get taken away?
he said that our relationship had gotten to the best it could.
i think he meant that we hit a wall.
we couldve gotten past it together.
but its too late now.
hes made his decision and i have to respect that.

im gonna miss you baby.
really i am.