030613 ~ ♥

Dear God,

I have a question to ask.
Is there a reason that I'm being put through this mess?
I understand that my problems arent half as bad as lots of other peoples problems, and maybe my issues arent important to you at all, but i would like to know whether there will be light at the end of the tunnel..
Its really just a question, i just want some answers, because i dont know how much longer i can hack this aching feeling in my heart.
You might not know, but the other day FH came to the takeaway to surprise me, i had no idea that hed turn up and it was such a nice surprise :)
But then he asked me if id spoken to TC lately, and i said no, not recently, cos he never replies to my texts, so its just a bit like, if ive tried, then why should i try again if i get ignored? Right?
Anyways, FH was like.. Really? Cos he always asks whether ive seen you and its like all the time.
I was like o.O Thats so weird, cos like.. If you wanna know about me, then talk to me and maybe reply right?
Anyways, so that happened, and then i wake up the next day, so like, saturday morning, i wake up to a text from TC..
I mean, God, your timing seems impeccable sometimes.. *sigh*
Anyways, you know when you just wake up, and youre squinting at your phone screen (do you have an iphone? hahahha ^^) cos the brightness is practically blinding?
Yeah so there i am squinting and i check my saps, and then i see i have a text, so i open it and its from him, and im just like WHAAAAT.
What is my life? T_T
Anyways, hes like sorry he hadnt messaged inna while or whatever..
So i was like, its fine lalala, and then we were texting throughout the day, but not really that much cos i texted FH when i saw that text and asked him whether he told TC what i said cos maybe he had something, then it wouldnt be so weird right?
But FH said he hadnt, and then we spontaneously decided to go out which was fun ^^
We went to eat and stuff, so i wasnt really texting TC that much, and he was busy etc, so yeah!
Then i had work, so not much texting, and then i went out with FH and JF that night after work to chinatown to eat siew yeh! :D
We didnt eat till like 1:30am.. I WAS STARVING LIKE A STARVING CHILD *sniff*
But then food came so i was okai ^^
Anyways, the point is.. the past two days TC has texted me when hes woken up..
Like, he texted me really early yesterday morning, and then we texted non stop from like 6pm - 1am..
Why is this happening?
I told myself i wouldnt reply to him..
But then theres a part of me that wants to, and its always in the back of my head that i havent texted him back..
And its like that part overrides the rest of me, why the hell do i give him this satisfaction?
Im sorry i used the word hell God, but i cant help it, i just dont understand what my life is atm..
I have no control when it comes to him, and i want to be able to have self freaking control ><"
So anyways, yesterday our texts got kinda flirty at some points, and i wouldnt say it was flirting, id say its what were comfortable doing with each other.
We were just texting like we used to and it wasnt just friendly at points, but i think we both realised and we kinda stopped a bit.
And then other times hes just so cold and meh towards me.. Is he bipolar God?
Why do i know so many bipolar people? *sigh*
And i was telling him about events that were gonna happen over summer, and he was basically saying he wasnt going to anything i was going to..
Is he tryna avoid seeing me in real life?
I dont know what ive done for him to want to avoid me ><"
And part of me is so damn glad that im getting away from the UK this summer cos i just wanna be able to be happy over summer with my best friends in HK.
And like, i dont think i can bear seeing TC being all friendly with everyone else and not me if we all met up together..
But then knowing that hes gonna be in the UK all summer.. A part of me wishes i wasnt going to HK so that i could hang out with him, and even if it was with a group of other people, i wish i was able to see him..
THIS IS WHAT MY LIFE HAS COME TO, PART OF ME IS CHOOSING UK OVER HK JUST COS OF THIS STUPID FREAKING BOY.
I dont want to be like this.
Oh yeah, then last night, he was like, im sleeping, night!
So i was like yeah cool whatever, i didnt text him till i slept and i was like, goodnight!
And then i thought to myself, Daphne, you had a good day of texting him, just leave it at that.
You have good memories of him from today, so just remember that.
I had a feeling that he wouldnt text me today, and i even told CT that i knew he wouldnt.
I just knew it..
So this morning, i checked the time on my phone when i woke up, and even though i knew i wouldnt have a text from him, i couldnt help but feel disappointed..
But why was i disappointed? I knew he wasnt gonna text..
I shouldnt care right?
Im also having the stupidest thoughts in my head..
But like CT said last night, i am very right and very psychic about this kinda stuff.
But having said that, im psychic with everyone elses stuff, but with my own issues, im such a noob.. *sigh*
I really hope that my stupid thoughts dont ever come true..
I would lose friends, and itd be outta choice, and i dont want that to ever happen in my life.
I hope that il have a lucky life from here on out, and i hope everything turns out well, even if it hurts for now.

So what im asking God, is, im not trying to be rude, but are you playing a game with me?
Because if you are, can you let me know whether i win in some way in the end?
Is there a happy ending for me?
And are you doing this for a reason?
Are you trying to make me a stronger person?
Because i gotta tell you, this isnt fun at all for me.. I dont feel stronger, in fact, i feel like even though i try to act strong, i just wanna break down every other second of the day..
Its been over a year now, and here i am, and i feel like im back to square one..
Were talking again, but its like inna limbo..
Were not good friends, were not more than friends, were not just friends, were not strangers..
What do i do with my life God?
Please can you guide me somewhere?
I believe youre up there in heaven somewhere, please help me and put me out of this misery.
I want a way out of this, some days i feel like there isnt a way out of this, and if i wasnt here, everything would be so much easier.
But i dont want to throw everything else away for this one boy..
But please give me strength to get over him, i really need your help.
This is the first time I've written with you in my mind, because i feel like i havent shown you just how much i believe in you.

Please dont let me down like he did, i have faith in you God.
Please dont use me as your chess piece anymore unless i have some sort of winning chance.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTT

♥