I figure its my fault.
Because it is 100% my fault.
None of this is your fault, however much you blame yourself.
Im sorry i hardly spoke to you today, because i found it hard to even look at you, hard to look at him.
But a lot harder to look at you.
Not because i didnt want to, but because i couldnt.
You are my best friend, i doubted you.
But not because i didnt trust you, but because im finding the situation hard to deal with.
Im so messed up, and its not your problem, but mine.
Whenever i think about it after, i think, why the hell did i even care?!
Like honestly, what the hell?
Because you guys have always been like that.
Always always, like me and J have always been like that.
But like i said, i never noticed it before.
Like, i can remember you guys in assembly, it went me, you and him.
Inna row.
You guys were messing about, and it didnt even cross my mind.
Nothing.
I just thought, im so lucky to have a best friend and boy that i like this much to get along so well.
Cos loads of people arent lucky enough to have that.
Then after, you were like, "never make me sit between you guys again"
Haaaa, thinking about it now, it still makes me smile.
But thinking about the present, i dont smile one bit.
My smile turns upside down, and it starts to hurt.
It just hurts you know?
So so much.
Tomorrows the 22nd.
It wouldve been 4 months.
Grandma C is coming to England...
I would be excited with him but i cant.
It doesnt matter now, he has others being excited with him, and thats all that matters :)
4 months...
Coincidence of dates much?
Not that that matters either...
He hardly even looks at me now.
It went from him, having me as his everything, to him not even looking at me, answering me in the most blunt ways possible.
I cant say im jealous, because i dont think jealousy feels like this.
I think its just hurt.
Hurt because he wanted to be friends, and i know hes trying to make it easier for me, i understand that, but ignoring me is not gonna make me feel any better.
Sure he doesnt wanna lead me on, but hes put it out there, i know he doesnt like me anymore and that hes moved on, and i can control my feelings if i have to.
I know, none of this is your fault, youve just been dragged into this stupid equation, because of the fact that you are my chingu.
Im so sorry.
You dont deserve this.
Its my own issue, that i shouldnt even consider.
But everytime i see it, it is something i consider.
Its something that gets replayed in my head, again and again.
Its like some paranoia and its really getting to me.
I hate feeling this way.
I hate myself.
I feel selfish.
I feel wrong.
I feel disgusted with myself.
I feel horrible.
I feel mean.
I feel like a shit best friend.
Because those things are true.
I am selfish.
I am wrong.
I am disgusted with myself.
I am horrible.
I am mean.
I am a shit best friend.
Because if i wasnt, you wouldnt have been hurt today by the fact that i was being a total bitch.
I saw him shove you on his way out, that was like a blow to my heart.
I know, shoving right?
WHAT AN IDIOT.
I am such a pabo.
Like on another level.
How can that be interpreted...?
But it was.
I see him shove you, and laugh, and you laugh.
And whats my problem?
Of course i want you guys laughing, you mean so much to me, all i want is for you to be happy.
So why am i complaining?
Why does it hurt?
I dont even know.
Nan molla.
Hes always shoved you before, its been like that before.
Why cant i just treat it like before?
Because its not before...
And its now...
C says its normal.
To feel this way, because ive been hurt and its like a reflex.
Am i trying to protect myself?
Because i dont really care about myself right now.
I just know ive been crap.
To both of you.
Especially you.
Ive been crap to him, for not getting over him when he wants me to.
God knows ive tried.
But i still dont understand you know?
Sure hes explained it...
But i still dont understand, even after getting my closure.
I emotionally dont understand.
But i guess i gotta deal with it.
Just deal...
God if he knew i had this blog, hed think i was a sad loser, hed find me so fucking annoying.
He must think im pathetic, for not being able to get over him.
For not being able to just stfu and stop posting miserable posts and tumbl'ing depressing shit.
But its the only place where im getting ALL my feelings out you know?
Cos its too long winded to say out frigging loud.
And some things on the internet, GET MY AGREEMENT SO WELL.
And ive been crap to you, for being such a stupid ass poohole.
For not being the best friend you deserve.
And for being such a selfish bitch.
You will always be put first, i feel so crap for feeling this.
I dont want to feel this anymore.
I want to be able to have a laugh, with you, with him, together, like before, without having a feeling inside me where it feels like my hearts getting trapped in my lungs and tears are about to just drop from my eyes because i can feel them stinging and its getting harder and harder harder to try not to cry.
Today, in my head and my heart, it was like a BBF Gummy sunbae fire alarm going off.
Ringing and ringing.
Except i have no sunbae, my version of sunbae is you.
Ji Hoo sunbae is you, youre the one whos there for me when my fire alarm goes off.
Im so sorry.
For being a crappy Jandi.
Mianhe.
Saranghaeyo.
Ijen and forever.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
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