Scared of so much.
Scared of losing my best friend.
Scared of having crossed the line too many times with my selfishness.
Scared that ive gonna fail my exams.
Scared that i have no control over my feelings.
Scared of the future.
Just scared.
But all of these things, are not avoidable...
If thats even a word.
Being scared sucks, cos like, it makes you feel really silly inna way...
Cos why be scared?
But it is, ultimately, fucking scary.
Exam status: Over.
Something for me to celebrate :)
But i cant...
Im supposed to be happy that theyre over, but i couldnt give a shit.
I couldnt concentrate in my exam today, what i had in my brain wasnt what i needed in my brain and what i needed in my brain wasnt what i had in my brain.
To me, celebration isnt really on the cards right now...
2 weeks.
Its been 2 weeks, surely im supposed to have got over him more by now?
But apparently not.
Apparently ive gotten over him a bit and im stuck, in this place.
How do i get out?
We were good yesterday, we were friends.
Period 3 and 4, our free.
Like i said yesterday, i was smiling, it was good.
But for the past 2 weeks, every time i get a good day, i wait for something shit to happen just to fuck it up.
And it did.
My best friend blogged something that made me feel like the shittest person in the world.
I dont know whether it was about me, but it seemed to be, i asked her and she wouldnt text back.
Does she just need space?
She doesnt wanna talk, i can tell.
She wants nothing to do with me, its my fault.
But i thought our friendship meant so much more...?
I just want her to talk to me, about the situation.
Why it hurts her so much, because there has GOT to be more to it than "seeing you hurt is making me hurt"
I wanna know what shes thinking, everything on her mind.
Even if its gonna upset me when i hear it.
I dont know what she wants.
I know she wants the old me back, but i want her to understand that thats gonna take a bit longer than 2 weeks...
I got my leavers hoodie today, wooo :)
Allow the word leavers.
I dont wanna leave, i like my school, what is this? :(
I gave TC his water money back today, took like 4 times T_T
Silly boy doesnt know how to accept moneys, i just dont want him to feel that he owes me anything.
TC gets along well with AS, but i know its all in my head that its anything more than friends.
Ive blogged this before, and its not necessary for me to blog it again.
Its all me.
Because im scared.
Because im paranoid.
Because im stupid.
Its just insecurity and the fact that hes him.
You know?
It hurts less now when i see them hang out together, honestly it does.
Because ive realised that i can have fun with him as friends too, as yesterday proved
But if us 3 were to hang out together?
I dont think i can do that just yet...
I want to be able to though.
I want to.
I do.
Does it sound like im convinced yet?
Haha, i didnt think so either.
But lets be honest, this will always stress me out.
Im me, hes him, and thats how its gonna be.
No more us, just me, and him.
It hurts bloggie.
Im always in the wrong now, when i think about it, i find myself to be so selfish, but i cant help what i feel.
Fuck sakes.
I just want it all to stop.
All to end.
Please stop.
Please end.
I just wanna sleep, forever, and never wake up, so i dont have to think about this anymore.
But im only 18, come on, there will be worse cases than this when im older, but honestly, this has been the worst yet, and i just need to accept it...
Ohhh bums.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
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