280611 ♥ x

i miss watching friends with you :(
i feel so empty.
like the best part of me has disappeared.
why cant i be a bitch and just hate you?
i wanna hate you and be like, i hate him.
but i cant, im just not that person and i cant hate you.
all i can do is miss you.
when we hugged today, i just never wanted to let go and i never wanted you to let me go.
i was trying to comfort you when i was the one who needed comforting.
putting on a brave face is so freaking hard.
the last thing that i wanted was for you to see me cry over you.
all i could do was say: "hey, smile, its gonna be okai," cos you looked so sad, when in fact, all i wanted was to break down and ask you to not let go.
to ask you to not let something this good go.
to ask you to not let me go.
but i couldnt ask that, im not that type of person.
i cant make you stay.
i read a text from you today when i asked what you wouldve been like if i had gotten with someone new in the time that we werent together the first time.
you told me that youd be a bit happy that id moved on.
i cant help but think that theres more to this and that theres a reason for this.
but i cant think like that, and i dont wanna hope.
i dont wanna get disappointed again.
i never thought wed get together again after the first time.
i stopped hoping.
so this time, im doing the same.
because it felt a lot better.
disappointment makes me sad, and i dont wanna be sad.
i needed you, i really did.
but i get that you dont need me anymore, so i have to accept that.
i really thought you were the one and you told me that i was the one for you.
but you said that all good things come to an end.
its weird, its happened once, its happened twice, yet i dont hate you at all.
i couldnt ever hate you, even if i tried.
it doesnt seem that weird you not texting me 24 hours a day, cos its like, i got used to it over the past month.
i honestly got over it, but you know what?
i will honestly miss my goodnight texts, and all those cute things you say to me.
just typing this is making me cry and just want you here.
but i have to stop wishing you were here.
this time, in a way, i fell so much deeper for you, because we were a lot closer and a lot stronger.
but apparently we werent strong enough.
but i just want you to be happy, because you are so special to me.
and you mean so much more to me than you will ever know.
im sorry that i wasnt good enough for you, and im sorry that in the end, i couldnt keep you.
i wish that i could.
you dont know this, but i would do anything for you to stay mine.
i would do anything for things to go back to how they were before.
but i cant change and neither can you.
i hope everythings good for you now that im not there anymore.
and i hope that youll be the happy toby that i know.
because when youre happy, so am i.
you told me that my smiles the best smile imaginable.
and to me, your smile was part of my everything, and it was truly something that i missed and looked forward to every single second of the day.

im so stupid.
i just printed out all the texts i saved from him to put into the jar of stuff.
and i stupidly started to read them.
im now crying stupidly.
stupid, stupid, stupid.
he counted down the minutes till he saw me.
i was an amazing and perfect girlfriend.
he wanted to fall asleep with me next to him with his arm wrapped around me.
when he was busy, he wondered why we werent together.
i lit up the room and he really really liked me.

why did everything just stop?
why did everything get taken away?
he said that our relationship had gotten to the best it could.
i think he meant that we hit a wall.
we couldve gotten past it together.
but its too late now.
hes made his decision and i have to respect that.

im gonna miss you baby.
really i am.

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200611 ♥ x

Umm, bit of a shit day today.
To cut it short, TC told me that he doesnt know whether he likes me anymore.
How can you not know whether you like someone anymore?
Thing is, i dont think that he means that, and i honestly do think well get through it.
I think everythings gotten on top of him a bit and hes a bit lost in thought.

I also think that hes scared of committment.
Maybe he feels like were too atttached to each other and hes getting a bit freaked out without knowing.
But i just want us to be happy together, you know? :)
Thing is, i asked him if everything was okai, and he told me nothing was up and he said no lies.
But 2 hours later, hes telling me that he doesnt know whether he likes me anymore?
Mehhh, i dunnoes.

I dont really wanna distract him anymore, i just want him to do well in physics.
Ive tried to be as encouraging as i can, i havent changed who i am at all.
Ive been the same person whos constantly there for him.
And i havent lied about my feelings one bit.

I keep crying, then i stop crying and feel okai, then i cry again.
Whats wrong with me? T_T
Tbh, i just want him to be happy, and i thought i was making him happy...
But maybe i was wrong.
Did i not make him happy?
We always talked about how special our relationship was, and how amazing and perfect the other was, and i never lied.
It was how i truly felt.
Its how i truly feel.
Im gving him time now, to just concentrate and get these two important exams aced.
Hes gonna do well, i know it :)
I want everything to be okai, like last time, how he was indecisive about us being together again, how he didnt know whether he liked me.
But look where it got us, it got us being stronger and it got us to a point where we grew so close.
He can be indecisive, but if he looks at it properly, i know hell make the right decision.
He kissed me today, how can you just kiss someone that you dont like?
Maybe im trying too hard.
Maybe i should try less.
I dunno...
But i do have a feeling its gonna be okai, because were stronger than that, and what couple doesnt go through these issues?
All couples hit rough patches, but they get through them.
I think weve just hit one of those rough patches.
Where he doesnt know what hes thinking, but im not 100% sure.
He didnt text me goodnight tonight, its like 5 months ago all over again.
Its meant to be our 3rd monthiversary the day after tomorrow, but meh.
Maybe hell realise before then that we have something special, its not like he doesnt know already :)
If you like someone, you dont give up, and if you feel like you dont know whether you like someone, you dont give up.
And even so, even if you dont like someone anymore, if you have something special, you dont give up.
Its not what you do.

Today, i was like "2 days!"
I was really excited, and he forgot what i was talking about.
And then he realised...
Maybe i got too excited, maybe i care too much.

Ahhh, baby, just know that we have something special.
I didnt wanna text and be all soppy, because i know that would just make you feel bad.
I dont want you to feel bad.
I just want you to know that just because weve hit a bump on the road, it doesnt mean that its really bad.
Its weird, right now, im not crying, im actually quite calm.
Im sleeping soon, so il probably cry more, but right now, im okais i guess.
Its a pretty big bump, but i think well get over it :)
And i think we can be even stronger than before, because thats who we are.
We get stronger after every rough patch we go through :)
And if you look deep into this, you know that we have something good.
And you know just as well as i do that our feelings for each other are too strong to deny.
Just think about it, and youll see :)
Even with your chinese eyes ^^ <3
My sirry baby, well be okai!
We just gotta get through this, hehe ^^

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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190611 ♥ x

MH came over today to revise business.
I know my case studies, so hopefully, everything will be okai.

Today, im feeling pretty down.
I didnt cry in so many days, and now, im just like crying.
I feel so freaking lonely.
For no reason.
Its like im falling apart.
For no reason.
Eurgh.
I dont even know how to describe it.
Its like, i have this stone on my heart which i cant get out and its just resting there.
It doesnt hurt, but somethings not right.
TC's been pretty busy recently.
Today, i think i got less than 10 texts all together.
I know i shouldnt expect anything more, but its human nature for a girlfriend to want her boyfriend to talk to her.
Having said that, i dont really expect him to talk to me lots right now cos he has some pretty big exams coming up.
I dont really expect much atm.
But it feels good to feel loved.

I kinda want my dad to come home early from work, just so i can just cry to him.
Obviously, me and TC are still strong, and were still us.
Dont get me wrong :)
Im feeling pretty emotional today, its like its all getting on top of me again.
It shouldnt, its my last exam tomorrow.
I should be freaking estatically happy.
But im not all that excited.
Im not all that "WOOO!"

My boyfriends pretty confident with his maths exams, i know hes gonna do well.
Cant wait for him to tell me he aced it after his exams over :)
It makes me feel so selfish, wanting to be with him, when his exas are so important.
I.feel.so.freaking.selfish.
It must be hard for him, all these difficult subjects and having to ace those exams.
Arghhh... i cant get my feelings out.
I dunno why.
Seriously, that rock is not budging, EURGH.
I just want it to move the fedge away.
Just GET LOST.

I know hes the one for me, and i know im the one for him, and i just gotta wait it out a bit longer.
But how long is longer? :(

Tomorrow, his C4 exams in the morning, meaning hell be leaving school straight after his exam to revise physics.
My exams not till the afternoon, but il be there bright and early to revise.
But i doubt hell see me.
Hes pretty busy.
Maybe after his physics exam on tuesday, he can see me :)
Cos his next ones not till Monday.
Maybe if im lucky..
If i had a choice, wed be together everyday :)
He told me that he wanted to just be with me forever, and if were lucky, thats the way its gonna be :)
Now and forever <3
So i guess i just needa stop being so emotional, meh.
I think i just needed to get this off my chest :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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180611 ♥ x

Havent blogged in whats felt like forever.
Too much has happened.
Too much crap.
I cant even remember the date off the top of my head =s
I had to look at the calendar...
I MEAN COME ON.
My heads a mess, i cant think straight.
I cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant focus, fedge this!
Every time i set my mind to do something, i end up doing something else, like, blogging, or tumblring, or crying.
Cryings become pretty big on my list recently.
Especially these 2 weeks.
Ive been on the computer so little that i can no longer type as fast as i used to and i get more typos!
What is this atrocity?! T_T

School issues.
Boy issues.
Friend issues.
Family issues.

Lets start with fmaily issues, just cos thats like shortest.
S'not really an issue, BUT I FREAKING SLEPT ON THE FLOOR FOR LIKE 2 WEEKS COS OF MY DADS FRIENDS.
Okai, its not actually too bad sleeping on the floor, BUT STILL.
I was lying on the floor and my dads on my bed cos his friends have taken his bed, and his hand comes whacking into my face...
ERRR.. OWWWW T_T
These few weeks, i havent washed the dishes much, or done much housework in comparison to before
But my dad doesnt get that i have issues too.
My life cant revolve around housework.
Fedge meeee!
So i dont do housework for like, 2 weeks, SUE ME WHY DONT YOU?!
I have so many friends who dont freaking do housework, AT ALL.
So why you getting mad at me for?! T_T
EURGHHH.
GET OVER ITT, and how about you just let it accumulate till it gets on my nerves and i can be bothered :D
Although, daddys still being sweet, so i cant really be too mad T_T
SCREW BEING NICE SO I CANT BE MEAN! :@

Ummm, next, friend issues.
I read her blog, and it breaks my heart, because even though she says we should be honest with each other, shes not telling me what shes thinking, shes just blogging it. So im just a bit like okai...
But anyways, im not even mad, i just want her to be okai.
I was under the impression that we were fine now, because she said she didnt wanna talk about it till after exams, so i left it.
She never truly hurts me, i just get into a kerfuffle myself.
You know me bloggy, me with my over thinking, over sensitiveness, over analysing, over everything.
Its how i am as a person.
Its who i am.
But i think sometimes, its too much to take for others.
Its hard for them to accept it because i over everything so much.
And i dont blame them at all, it is something that ive caused myself.
But its difficult, bing someone who over everythings.
Because eventually, it leads to tears all the time.
And i hate crying all the freaking time.
I just want her to know that shes my best friend, and that even though sometimes, it seems like im hurt, im never actually mad at her.
I could never be mad at her.
People telling her the wrong information, making her think that i was mad at her.
Then that person lies and says that they didnt actually say anything.
Well thats a lie.
Skeen at you.
Ugly baby judges you!
But i think were okai now, i just need her to like, ignore me every time im being stupid, cos god knows how much im stupid these days.

And ohmydays.
Just as me and AS get better, TC and JF are like, :@
ITS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
JUST TALK ALREADY OHMYLIFE.
I dunnoes, i just hate seeing them like this.
JF was like, "il give you the yearbook stuff so you can give it to TC"
ERRR NO.
I was like, "GIVE IT TO HIM YOURSELF"
And hes like, "how can i? he wont talk to me"
AISH.
Boys arent meant to have this drama i swear, only girls!
So does that mean im going out with a girl and im really good friends with a boy whos actually a girl? =p
Awww you guys <3
I just want you to talk again, *sighs*
This is like, pointless!
YOU GUYS ARE OBVIOUSLY FRIENDS SO WHY ARE YOU BEING GAYYYYY?! T_T

Thirdly, school issues.
FML?
Revision is like, no.
Just no.
Ive had 8 exams, ive got one left.
Its on monday, business, my last exam.
Its weird but i think im actually gonna miss my exams.
But on the other hand, i cannot wait for everyones exams to be over.
Its actually a pisstake.
A few of us, are revising, BARE.
Like actually insane amounts.
Obviously theyre gonna do so well, so im like, proud of them, but it makes me like, OHMYGOD IM SO DUMB.
But thats something il get over, im just the type that distracts and gets distracted too easily!

And that second last day of school before half term, oh my god.
It was like, the worst day ever.
I had a classic, in film scene, where i was crying with my back against the toilet wall and i just like sunk into the ground.
It was so bad and i felt like i was about to die from too much crying.
I cried for 45 minutes straight in a toilet cubicle.
How awful is that? =s
But they just kept spilling out.
I think thats the difference between me and my friends.
I have some next emotion focussed coping.
Like, AB, she uses problem focussed coping, so whenever she has issues, she like, overcomes it and does things to take her mind off it.
Whereas i cry.
I let my emotions get the better of me.
I cry a lot.
Aish, i never wanna do that again.
Ever.
As in cry in a toilet at school.
Never again.

Okai, lastly, boy issues.
To me, i have, the best boyfriend in the world.
Hes sweet, hes caring, hes amazing, and just perfect for me.
Lots of people will disagree with me, but to me, thats what he is, and if im completely honest, even if i had the choice, i would want nobody else.
But recently, since exams started after half term, im feeling, neglected.
Thats the only word i can use i think..
I know that he prioritises revision and exams and stuff, but i dont get why that has to change how he is with me.
Or maybe its not exams, and he doesnt like me anymore?
But i dont think thats it.
Sorry if that sounds up myself or whatever, im not trying to be.
But i just dont think thats it?
Like, these days, im all cute to him, the same as i always have been, and by cute, i mean like, soppy.
Cos thats just who i am.
Its what we do with each other and he doesnt really respond.
He gives me ":)" or "<3"
Dont get me wrong, i dont get like upset when i get that, but im just like, thats different.
You know?
Before, my good night texts would be like, really long and really cute and would literally make my heart melt.
But now, im lucky if i get 5 lines.
It doesnt make me like him any less, of course it doesnt, to me, hes still perfect, but its like rejection in a way.
I know hes not trying to make me feel this way, hes not like that, if he ever knew that i was upset, hed be upset too because he hates it when im sad.
We promised each other to be honest with each other, and i think were doing pretty well.
We are honest with each other and if somethings on our minds then we say.
But recently, its like, im scared im boring him, or that im annoying him.
I asked whether he thought we were a strong couple...
He told me he didnt know.
I asked whether his feelings towards me had changed and he told me he didnt have an answer..
Okai, correct me if im wrong, but if my feelings towards him hadnt changed, i wouldve just told him, as opposed to saying that i didnt have an answer.
Maybe i misunderstood him, but it really hurt.
Ive cried every day for the past 2 weeks.
Except for 4 days, where things were either better or i was feeling braver.
I really miss him.
And not the "i miss you" type of miss him.
But the type where im just like, i want him back because i dunno whats happened to him kinda thing?
I think exams have really got to him subcionsciously, which is why i dont wanna keep bringing it up.
I dont think hes gonna read this, because he doesnt really go on the internet that much nowadays, cos hes revising like 7 hours a day, and id prefer to keep it that way.
I dont want him to read this cos i dont want him to be sad.
Last time he thought that he made me sad, he thought he wasnt good enough for me.
He thought that he didnt live up to my standards.
I want to just hug him and tell him not to be so stupid.
This was via text, so obviously i couldnt do that, but i really wanted to.
How silly could he get?
Thinking that hes not good enough for me.
If anything, im not good enough for him.
If anything, he deserves so much better than me.
And if anything, i am the luckiest girl in the world.
But me and him, were both the same, we think the others better and we think were luckier than the other, simply cos we have each other.
And thats just another reason why our relationship is so real.
What couple doesnt go through these times?
Where its more difficult than other times.
Every relationship has a hard period of time.
But i know that we just have to pull through till exams are over and well be okai :)

God knows how proud i am of him, and how i want him to do so well.
And of course he will, he actually studies like crazy.
But despite knowing that hes doing this cos he prioritises doing well, it sucks for me.
I hate crying ohmygod.
And its literally something that i do everyday.
And its like, even after ive cried, theres more to cry out.
Like theres something i havent let out.
But i dont know what it is.
It just stays there, trapped.
And its impossible for me to cry it out and feel better because i dunno what the hell it is!
IHATEIT IHATEIT IHATEIT.
EURGHEURGHEURGH.

Some days, hell be really sweet, and be all him again, and il just be the happiest girl in the world.
Honestly, so so happy.
Even if he says the smallest thing, or calls me baby, it will make me smile like insane amounts.
But then nearer the end of the night, hell go quiet again.
I no longer get my sweet goodnight texts.
I know its stupid, to base it on that, but they were important to me.
He asked me whether it was important, not getting cute stuff and being called baby.
And no, its not important, because that doesnt change our feelings.
But i need reassurance, i can be that type of girl sometimes, which is why i got so used to him being cute all the time to me.
I dont blame him at all though, because he must be tired all the time from revision.
I know hes tired, he says so.
So maybe i should stop making mountains out of molehills.
But i cant control how i feel, and him being off with me, just makes me feel even worse.
I hate that i need reassurance, i wish i didnt give a crap about reassurance.
But i cant lie, i do need reassurance, its who i am.
I wanna be there for him, i havent changed.
I wanna be the person that he can turn to after hes finished his revision and just be him again, as opposed to stressed him.
But maybe cos hes revised so much, hes just locked in that state of mind, where its just work.
I dont mind, i just have to pull through the next week and a bit.

Its our 3rd monthiversary in 4 days.
The 22nd's a Wednesday this month :)
But then i leave a week after that..
He finishes exams on the 27th, and he doubts he can see me that day.
Eurgh.
I just want him to come stay over after his exam and we can hang out on the 28th and spend some time together before i leave for 6 weeks.
I wont see him for 6 weeks...
Allow.
Just allowwwwwww.

Meh, i dont wanna rant anymore.
I have business revision to continue with.
I told you i get distracted.
If he ever read this, i think hed feel really bad, so i hope he doesnt read this.
Cos i dont want him to feel bad, i just needed to let my feelings out.
Its not his fault, he probably doesnt even realise that im getting upset about it, haha :)
So its okai ^^
Hes perfect to me, and i know we can get through this.
Well, mainly i have to get through this, cos hes not really upset about it, LMAO.
But after exams, everything will probably go back to normal.
Theres days where he tells me he misses me, and days where he tells me he cant wait to see me, and that seeing me made him happy.
So what more can i ask for?
I already have this boy that i wanna be with forever ^^
And he told me that he wants me to be his last girlfriend.
So there we have it.
Given all our history, were a lot stronger than we think.
Heh, my silly baby <3

RIGHT, back to revision!
See you at a later date bloggy, il try and blog more now that my exams have finished.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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