270211 ♥ x

Its already the second last day of February!
ALREADY.
AHHH.
Im so freaking emotional AND IM NOT EVEN BLOBBED.
AS is though >:]
Second day, do i sound like a stalker?!
WELL SHE TOLD MEEE!
Shes even more emotional and shes bare like a monsterrrrrrrr D= <3
SHES LIKE, RARARARAR ^^
Hahahaaa :)

Its so fucking messed upp.
My life is a mess.
FUDGE POOS.

Okaii, so what was i meant to talk about?
OH YEAH!
I was meant to blog about Thursday :)

Thursday was the birthday party of my beautiful AB, shes not 18 till the 1st though, shes still young for another day :)
So me and AS wake up at like 12 and eat some lunch rarar, KEBABBBBTINGSSS.
Were fat, AND WHAT.
Then we start bumming about not really doing much
Then i get really organised and start packing my stuff and ironing my clothes >:]
Cos im just THAT cool.

Ummm, so then me and AS get to the party at 5 and we get ready with AB and stuff :)
We took lots of pictures and so on so forth ^^
Its us, of course were gonna take loads of pictures.
RK arrives around 6:30?
Star whipping the Malibu outtttt, WHATS NEWWW?! :D
RK's bought Smirnoff Ice, but i didnt have any.
AB was all: "ITS NOT FAIR, IM MEANT TO BE THE HOTTEST, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Idiot, she looked soooo hot <3
Then at 7, TM arrived with beer and he helped me blow up the balloons, which can i say, people stepped on and burst in the first like, hour T_T
Others started arriving after and im like, nearly as tall as JF!
Turns out hes a lot taller than i thought o.O
Cos i had like 4 inch heels on and he was still taller than me! o.O

Then the party properly starts lalala and TC's bare in some next mood.
I offered them drink but theyre like nooooo, corr fine thennn!
Then me and JF went outside with TM and TC was outside
He gave me some attempted hug cos he said hed hug me at AB's beforehand.
Then i insulted him, cant remember with what LMAO
Then he walked away so i walked after him, and we ended up sitting on the curb.
Were talking, laughing, and just sitting there like, comfortable in the silence and then suddenly hes holding my hand...
Whilst other people are there as well...
Im like whutttt?
And then RK comes out and shes pissed and shes like: "TC, KISS HERRRR!"
Oh cringeeeee, we were both like, awkward turtle...
LMAO
So were like, anyway moving on...
Then we walked inside and sat on the benchy thing by the door and AB came and sat next to me :)
Me and TC were holding hands and people were properly asking if we were together, we'd both say no, but like he said, we looked like the exact opposite.
Then we walked outside again and we sit on the curb again.
We were talking, and i guess its a good thing that we were able to like, get time to talk properly inna sense.
Then suddenly we kissed?
I dont even know how it happened, it just did.
And we both pulled away and im like, this is bad...
And hes like, it is.
But then, we end up doing it again?
And again after that?
Thing is, it felt right.
And like TC said, if we didnt feel something, then surely we wouldnt have kept doing it..
Then i stuck my tongue out at him and he stuck his tongue out at me and our tongues like touched, hahaha, it was kinda cute.
JS was like, YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE, hahaha, it was kinda awkward.
Then theres freddy the frog omggg!
IT WAS A SQUASHED FROG ON THE ROAD, REALLY REALLY FLAT ><
And TC bought me to see it, its guts were all spilled everywhere =s
And then i wanted to take a picture and TC like bent over me and like, took a picture of it with me, it was so saddddd!
We ended spending like 2 hours together outside.

Then it comes to TC, FH, AS and JF going homeeee.
I came down in my pjs and i was hopping around inna sleeping bag >:]
TC put his arm around my waist and he smiled at me.
Then when he left, we hugged, it felt weird hugging him.
Even after kissing him, i dunno.
Maybe cos we used to always hug and then we stopped for ages.
Ahhhhhh.

The aftermath is now really messy.
Were both confused, and he doesnt know what he wants.
I have a feeling this isnt gonna go in my favour again, but its not like i had expected the kiss to happen anyways, so i guess i didnt even see an aftermath coming.

I just know it felt right and that theres something between us.
It felt right.
Ahhhhhhhhh ><
Something that feels so right shouldnt be so wrong.
2 people who have this attraction shouldnt be at such a disadvantage.
We talked about a lotta stuff, but il blog about that tomorrow, i gotta sleep.
School tomorrow, i cba.
Aish, nighttt.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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250211 ♥ x

Havent blogged for almost a week nowww!
Mmm, some days nothing has happened, and some days, a lot has happened.
Il try going through it day by day, even if its just a little :)
Im getting so distracted today!
AS and TC both texting me, on the SHINee website for some taemin, on tumblr to see what ive missed out on, waiting for the hairdryer, on msn, yeahhh...

OKAI I FINISHED DRYING MY HAIR.
well, my mama finished drying it... but yeah...

Okaii, so Thursday the 17th not much happened i dont think?
I cant really remember o.O
LOL
Had a normal school day really, same old same old!

Friday the 18th!
Last day before half term :)
Ive woken up so early everyday for half term o.O
For no reason ><
Me, RK and CH finish at 9:35 on fridays so me and RK went to Woking cos she wanted to buy her shoes, stupid girl.
Bare didnt listen to me the first day to buy em T_T
SPAZZZZ.
But yeahh, then i left to go to work...
OH YAY...

Saturday the 19th was good, i got up bright and early, at like, 5... T_T
Too early lool!
We left the house and mammy drove me to London Victoria :)
Thank you mammy, i love youuu!
Got the 07:36 with WP and MT to Brightonnn!
Hung out in Brighton until 8:30
Me and Mel did so many trips up the high street cos the others were just smoking shizzle and were good children hahaha ^^
Then we made some long trek of a walk to the pier, was good though!
So yeah, after that, me, MT and WP got the train back to London for Kpop.
Was good seeing CS, i ruffing my oppa rong time ^^
I miss him bareee :(
OPPA, COME TO SEE ME IN ESHER.
Jeeez T_T
Bare making me wait long time tings to see you!
And youre bare not replying on msn, eegoh buyo T_T
Then WP and MT got wasted..
Oh yay mee!
So i looked after them and had to get em back to MT's and LOL that was just lol.
Oh dear.
But we ended up getting back and sleeping at 3:30 am :)
So yeah, nearly a 24 hour day for me!
So i was bloody shattered T_T

Sunday the 20th, i made my way home at like, some time...
Ive forgotten T_T
LOL
But yeah, so i rested up and everything :)
Was good ^^

Monday the 21st, i went to Kingston with AS and AB.
I RUFF THEM ^^ <3
Shopping is a good thing, it makes people happy.
YES SHOPPINGGGG <3
Not gonna lie, spending money makes you feel better, but then after youre like, well this is awkward, when you have no moneys left..
LMAO

Tuesday the 22nd, I bummed around at home, its good just bumming around :)
Watched E4 most of the day..
Mum went out to Kingston with the cousins and Uncle Andy, then they came back home and i entertained the kiddies for a while.
Played a funny board game with them =p
Apparently 5 and 9 year olds dont get that cheating is a nono.
Stealing money from the banker is also okai!
Hahaha, i love them to pieces though, too cutie <3
Then Uncle took them home and he came back so we could all go out for dinner ^^
SOO FULL, wtfudgeeeeeee.

Wednesday the 23rd, Auntie Jenny and the cousins came round, we went to Kingston (again...)
Ate McDondalds (again...)
OH IM SO HEALTHY... :)
Then AS came at 4 and we all watched The Hole together :)
Its scary omgg, dont watch it ><
AND THATS WHY I DONT WATCH SCARY MOVIES.
BUT NOO, MY YOUNGER COUSINS PERSUADED ME TO.
ITS ONLY A 12 AS WELL T_T
But then the cousins left cos Auntie had to work at 6!
So yeahh!
Then me and AS hung out and made Arabian necklaces/foot slings/cats cradles! :)
AS wanted to make toe cats cradle =s
Shes so odd that girl, but i love her <3
We camwhored bareee, whatta surprise! :D

Im tired, so il tell you about Thursday tomorrow.
Its too long to write nowwww.
Night!

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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160211 ♥ x

Some shittyyy headache todayyy.
Ickkkkkk ><"

Why am i so fucking selfish?
AB feels like she cant talk to me anymore because i have my own issues.
Why doesnt she know that just because i have my own issues, it doesnt mean that i cant listen to hers.
Shes so silly.
I will always be there for you.
No matter what.
You big poo.
Know that even if my issues are so much bigger than they are now, you can come to me and i will be there.
No matter what.
I want you to be okai, i wanna be able to rewind time.
Not just for myself, but for you too.
Back to before all that shit happened to you, so you can always be smiling now.
AS told me that it feels like i dont talk to you guys anymore.
Is that how it feels?
Is that what im doing?
Cos i didnt realise.
I never wanted my problems to get in the way of our friendship, but it seems like it has.
Well thats how it sounds.
Its unfair on you guys.
Im sorry.
Its all my fault.
Please dont blame TC or anything, he hasnt done anythng wrong.
Me being stuck in this hole is not your faults.
Is faults a word?
Hahaha :)
We needa talk.
Properly.
Meh.
Sorry.

AS is so mad at me for responding to him.
But i respond to him because...
I dunno how to say it..
He only texts me when he feels like it anyways.
Or talks to me when it suits him.
My heart hasnt raced like that around him for so long.
But yesterday when i was like, half asleep, he moved the hair outta my face.
Rarr... heartbeat.
2PM should like pop outta somewhere and sing to me.
LOL ^^
Mmm, i explained it, or at least tried to explain it to AS today.
But she didnt wanna listen and shes past caring and i dont really blame her tbh.
The past month has been nothing but crying over him.
Its not really something i can explain.
Its like, im lost.
I dont know who i am.
I dont really know how to describe it.
Its like he wants us but doesnt want us.
Is my heart just being toyed around with?
Baby i just want you back.
My posts on tumblr are so freaking depressing atm.


Farking hell.
It hurts knowing that you might like someone else.
It hurts looking at you.
And not cos youre ugly, LMAOO
Our banter lolol
It hurts because when i look at you, i dont just see you, i see all our memories.
And sometimes, when you look at me the way you do, i have the slightest hope pop up.
But then i dismiss it because like ive said countless times, i dont wanna hope for you.
You mean everything to me, but il just keep that to myself.
Noone else needs to know now.
Like you said, were in the past now.
Its been a month and i still cant get over you.
Aish, whys it so hard?
Most days i wake up, and i dont wanna see anyone.
Sometimes i make up scenarios that will never happen in my head, like, you might just turn up and tell me that you still love me.
But everyone knows that scenarios you make up in your mind hardly ever come true.
I dont wanna see anyone because i dont wanna cry in front of people anymore.
I cried whilst on the phone to AS today, i told her it was my hayfever.
Haha, oldest lie in the book.
But i dont want her to know that i cry over you anymore.
I dont want anyone to know because i dont wanna be selfish, i dont wanna be the way i am.
Thing is, i dont even wanna be me anymore.
Whys it so difficult for me?
Why cant i be one of those girls who just get over guys easily and are like, WOOO the next week?
I cry myself to sleep every night.
Even AS knows this, i can fall asleep in 5 seconds flat.
Now i lie in bed for hours and i cant fall asleep.
Every night before i fall asleep, it hurts.
Every morning i wake up, it hurts.
Youre always in the back of my mind, i wish you werent.
The back of my mind isnt even the back anymore..
Its so fucking prominent.
I know so many people who, have broken up, got back together, again and again.
I guess were just not those types of people.
Because i no longer mean that much to you anymore.

Ive become less responsive myself, but i light up whenever youre around.
I cant base myself around that.
But i have.
I dont blame you for it, at all, its my own choice.
But its also not something i control either.
I dont really know what im thinking half the time anymore.
Everythings become kinda...
A blur to me.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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150211 ♥ x

Chingu, you wont text back.
What did i do?
I know you said dont come crying to you when something bad happens.
Am i annoying you that much?
Im sorry.
I dont mean to annoy you =s
I promised myself i wouldnt cry anymore.
But i cant help but cry cos youre all off with me.
What did i do?
Please tell me.
I always seem to be upsetting you nowadays.
Because either im not sitting with you or because.. of other things.
But i honestly dont think anything of it anymore.
I promise.
I wonder but i dont think.
I honestly just know that were friends.
So please can you not be like this?
Im sorry for making you upset.
Its probably best if i stop bothering you for now cos i know that if i ask, you wont wanna open up cos it was really difficult the last time you did that.
But i just wanna stop making you upset.
Im sorry for my actions.
I apologise.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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150211 ♥ x

SO.
MUCH.
BULLSHIT.
Not even lying.
SO MUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT.
ST and AC gotta stop arguing.
AC stop being a wanker.
Shuun jai, i love you.
I do.
But you gotta realise that ST is using nobody.
Youre breaking us up.
Please dont break us up.
This is really stupid but i actually cried.
I cant have two of my closest friends, arguing over the craziest shit.
ST isnt in the wrong, i know this, so shuun jai, you gotta man up and apologise.
Whatever issues you have with her, just say them out loud!
If youre right, you know that maamaa will be on your side.
But if youre wrong, you also know that maamaa will tell you that youre wrong.
Please please please, we gotta talk it outtt.
Please, im begging you, as a maamaa, a mama.
Please please please.

And now that KL's suddenly got fucking involved, everythings just turning even shittier.
ST, you gotta know that KL isnt involved cos she fucking cares.
Who are we shitting kidding?
She just wants to see AC get ripped to shreds.
We all know that.
And JW?
Whys she getting involved for?
Everyone whos anyone knows that she was pining over AC for like a fucking lightyear and bare got dramatic about it.
So now she just wants revenge on him.
ST, take it from someone who cares about you, trust her, but dont trust her.
You get me?
I dunnoes if you do..
Like, take what she says to your brain, sure.
But dont take it to your heart.
I tried that once, well, we all know what happened to that.
So im not saying base what happened to us on your friendship
I know that ST, you have never had a real big thing against KL, but just be careful.
Thats all im asking.

AC, you normally always listen to me, whats happened to you?
Youve become so distant and like, different?
Whats wrong?
Is something up?
Cos youre not you.
Maamaa still loves you so so much, even if youve been a poo.
ST, you.are.not.fat.
You are beautiful.
My beautiful daughter who i will always love and cherish.
Dont let things that AC says to you hurt you.
We all know that hes like the little kid of our family and he says things he doesnt mean.

Were like, the perfect friendship group.
Others might not think so, but i think were pretty damned good for each other.
Were actually like a real family.
I dont think ive had such a big friendship "group" for so long and to think that were gonna be friends forever.
Sure, i have my best friends, of course, who doesnt?
Im sure you guys have your other best friends at school and what not, but youre like my second family.
We have all our generations.
MT right at the top there ^^
We all have our own place in this circle and we need each other.
Try disagree with me and il killl you >:]

I was never close to WP or AW before.
Im not gonna lie, and i think they know this too.
At first, when KL was still part of our group, i can honestly say, i never wouldve thought to myself "WP and AW are gonna be 2 of THE most prominent people in my life."
Because well, honestly?
We werent that close.
We hadnt even spoken properly.
We were mutual friends of KL's.
Who hardly knew each other.
We were like, hi, bye friends.
But now i can say, there is not a day that goes by, where i dont hope that each and EVERY ONE of you is happy.
Smiling.
Having an amazing day.
Because if you guys are happy, so am i.
They now mean, so so much to me.
Its weird, going from nothing, to nearly everything.
WP was one of the people outta our whole group, that i cried to over a boy.
I think till this day, shes still the only one.
That might show that i trust people too easily.
But i dont think i made a bad choice.
She is now one of my closest friends.
And noone could ever replace her.
AW has heard me out.
This past month, i cant have been easy.
Droning on, and on about TC.
Im sorry AW, you must be getting shit bored, but i feel comfortable talking to you about it.
Youre here.
And i appreciate it so much more than you may know.

And the others, RO, KCL, not mentioned much but still mean the same to me..
I think without one of you, i dont even know what id do.
BUT LUNG SIEW YUT GOR.
ST and AC, you know what that means lah.
Say no more.

So please just get rid of your differences.
Im begging you.
Ive never asked for much before, i beg you.
Please.
You cant deny that we have fun together.
We do.
What the shit happened then?
And dont gimme those ridiculous answers like "Hes a cunt." "Shes a bitch"
Dont gimme that.
Call me someone who doesnt understand, but you know, i probably do understand.
Gimme real reasons, and then maybe il analyse it.
You both mean, the world to me.
Honestly, i dont think the worlds big enough.
Try galaxy...
I never excelled in science, allow me.
But please, from the bottom of my heart.
I dont wanna cry about being scared that imma lose my friends because of this misunderstanding again.

I love you guys.
Thats all i wanted to say.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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130211 ♥ x

Hahaha, ive done no work.
Well done D! ><"
Ive had 2 days of just, pj's and duvet and dvd's and yeah... :)

Its valentines day tomorrow...
Oh yay.
Theyre right when they say that its a way to make single people feel like crap.
I dont think id care as much if it wasnt for the fact that im not just single, but im single cos i wasnt good enough.
I hate missing you so much baby.
I hate myself for missing you so much.
I cant even answer myself when i ask how long its gonna take me.
I fell pretty deep.
Too deep i think.
I nearly texted you that today...
Not the fact that i missed you T_T
I would never say that to you anymore.
Because, quote you: "[You] dont like like [me]"

Whenever we have our banter, its like, were us.
Hahha, banters funny, i said you look like an alien, LMAOOOOOOOOOOO
Gosh im so funny.
But whenever you get like, playfully mad at me, i always start to write "babyy, you know im kidding"
Then i remember that youre not longer my baby, because, well, obvious reasons really.
So instead i just type, "hehe im kidding"
Because im trying this thing where i control my feelings.
Its not working out great, i cant control my feelings.
Its like you bring them out of me.
Im trying my hardest, i am :)
And when you say things which i overthink, i kinda mentally slap myself to show that it doesnt mean anything.
Bubby, if were meant to be, were meant to be, but because you cant see that, im just gonna tell myself that were not meant to be.
Even though i know different.

I say: "Its not like you care"
Does that mean you dont actually care seeing as you avoided it?
Im probably just overthinking again.

I cant help but think of our past.
I wanna forget it.
But i know in time, when i am over it, il smile when i think of the memories.
Dont get me, i smile now, but it slowly turns into tears.
And my smile fades.
Because i remember what we used to be.
And it hurts.
Especially when, youre the last person on my mind before i sleep.
I dont choose to have you on my mind you know?
I wish that the person last on my mind could be taemin, therefore, id dream about him!
But hes not, because hes not my reality.
In the future maybe, but not right now.
And i hate dreaming about you, because... when i wake up, i think its real and its not.
And what sucks most is that in my dreams, were still together.
And in some, were not, and i wake up crying.
Well that fucking sucks.
LOL T_T
I wish i could control my dreams.
Not possible though.
You say that im the first thing on your mind whenever you wake up.
Did you say that cos its true or cos you feel bad?
If i had the same person on my mind whenever i woke up, id realise that theres a reason for that occurance.
But if you cant realise it then i cant ask you to.
Because you say you have your reasons and i gotta believe that.
Cos what else do i believe?
But im happy being the way we are right now, so you know..
I just worry that you get annoyed that i text you...
And that youre just texting back cos you feel bad not doing so.
That wouldnt be so good..
Mmm...
S'long as youre happy.
SLONG.
HAHAHA ITS LIKE SCHLONG.
Oh god my mind ><"
LOLOL, GET CLEAN MIND >:]
HAHAHAHHAHAAAA
Im properly laughing, LMAOOO ^^
Oh dear...
LOLOLOL :)
Im in some hyper mood
Hehehhehehe ^^

Over and OUTTTTTTT

♥

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110211 ♥ x

Finished school well early today seeing as its Friday.
WHY CANT I SLEEP WHEN I GET HOMEE?! :(
I needa sleep before work, but i get hungry and eat instead, then i cant sleep cos i just ate >:]
Hahaha ^^
Imma so sillyyyyyyyy.

Finally TC told me his secret last night.
I really want it to work, but i cant force anything.
Are people in this world ever lucky enough to get a second chance at things as amazing as what we had?
Or is that only in dramas that ive watched?
Haha, i needa stop watching dramas ^^
HAVING SAID THAT, i JUST finished Brown Sugar Macchiatooo, its sooo cutieeee ^^
Everyone ended up happy, typical drama ending haha :)

So yeah, the secret...
How do i put this?

Even after everything i said yesterday, theres more i wanna say.
He doesnt have to not be around me as much.
He misses us, but why does "us" have to be in the past?
It doesnt have to be in the past.
Hes finding it hard to adjust to life without me by his side, he doesnt have to adjust to life without me by his side.
WHATS HE ON?!
DRUGSSS.
LSD.
LOL LSD ^^
No seriously though, hes sucha bigg poooo.
You massivee pooo.
Aishhhhhhh.
Rararararar ^^

TC:
I wanna be able to say: "Sorry for writing all that stuff yesterday"
But im not sorry.
Because it came from the heart and i was right.
We both know that i was.
We made each other happy.
So i honestly cant say that im apologetic for what i wrote.
Well, sorry if it made you feel bad, but if it didnt make you feel bad, then im not sorry.
Cos i got it out of me, and i was honest with you.
Like i used to be.
You were so much happier when we were us.
Cant you just fit the pieces together and realise that were happier together?

Well anyways, you didnt text last night and were really quiet.
I cant say i didnt expect that.
You automatically do that when you dont know what to do.
Im expecting you to avoid it and dismiss it, but i wish you wouldnt.
Im expecting you to pretend that you never said what you said to me which triggered me to say what i did.
Im just gonna give you time to think.
Cos youre like that nowadays ><"
Avoiding it or dismissing it isnt gonna fix it.
I wanna know how youre feeling.
AS said you whacked her back today.
That shows youre happier.
Which is good :)
But are you happier cos i texted you telling you to be happy and you just wanna get over it now or whether its cos you realised i was right in everything i said?
Cos if youre happy just cos you realised i was right, then im happy for you, but if youre happy because you want things back, then just tell me.
But i dont think that thats what il be hearing, that you want it all back.
I wish it was, but i dunno, meh.
But like i said, as long as youre happy, then its okai.
Il be fine, just smile baby, because you need to, its what suits you best.
The big smile on your face that used to let me know that you were happier than anyone else in the world.

I have work tonight, eurghhh, cee bee ayy.
Nemnemnem.
CEEBSS :)
But whatever, lets make some moneys yeah ^^

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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100211 ♥ x

It was pissing down with rain today, pathetic freaking fallacy.

Please make it all stop.
Please.
This isnt fair.
I need him back.
Just the normal old him.
The one who used to smile all the time.
The smile that made everything in the world okai again.
But now he just acts so...
Bland, is that the right choice of word?

I asked him what his secret was today.
I know that somethings up, i can feel it.
I know it.
But i ask him and he shuts up again, saying that he has no secret and that hes fine.
That theres nothing to tell, nothing to spill.
Which is all lies.
I know its all lies.
Just please be honest with me, just tell me whats on your mind.
Please.
You cant just clamp shut.
Is it something thats gonna hurt me?
Cos its not like ive been hurt already, im sure i can take another blow to my heart.
So you might as well just tell me what the poop is up.
Please.
Kai thanks :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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090211 ♥ x

Im sooo tireddddd.
My inbox is baree empty and my battery is baree full, eurghhhhh.
We texted all of last week...
Then the second the whole flirting thing happened and he boyed me, he hasnt texted.
Oh skeen.

Turning innn, sleepyyyy.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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090211 ♥ x

Question for TC: Are you trying to make me hate you?
Cos youre not succeeding unless you tell me to my face that you want me to hate you.
You know that i just wanted to be friends, i didnt want anything more from you cos you ended it.
So why are you making some fat deal out of it?
Theres so much i wanna say, but i cant even remember it all.
Fudge.

Kai;
You know that im happy just being friends.
Even though it hurt, i was willing to just go with it, as long as you were happy then i was fine.
You said you wanted to be friends, fine.
So i proceeded to just be friends with you, but you didnt make it easy did you?
No, i can answer that for you, you fucking didnt.
You still fucking dont.
Yesterday, after everything happened, you didnt speak to me for the rest of the day.
Today, you walk into the common room, pretending i dont exist.
What the shit is that all about?
Honestly, i wanna know whats running through your mind.
I thought you were perfect, in every way possible.
But apparently i was wrong.
You hurt me, and you continue to hurt me.
If you think that by playing hot and cold with me is gonna make me hate you so i stop liking you, then you have another thing coming.
I agreed to just be friends, and i was willing to let myself get over you, but you just go and do that?
Its not neccessary, we can be friends without you tryna play it hot and cold, its just not needed.
If you know that id wanna be friends anyway then whats the point of all this?
Seriously.
Yeah i love it when it feels like were back to how we were before.
Its fucking amazing, and youre fucking amazing, but that doesnt let me get over you.
What do you want from me?!

At times, i honestly think that you still might like me.
But then i remind myself that you were the one who ended it, not me.
So why does it feel like im the one who has to respond to you whenever you feel like it?
You pick me up when you want and you drop me when you want, what the hell do you want?
Do you still like me or not?
Because the day you broke my heart, i was prepared to get over you, not fast, but i knew that it was something that i had to do.
But you arent letting me, why?
Do you get some weird pleasure out of making me pine over you?
Does it feel good to know that it hurts so much because you are you and ive never felt like this about someone before?
Does it make you feel better knowing that someone cant get over you?
Cos i really doubt youre that type of guy, but youre making me doubt my instincts.
AS says she knows youre not that type of guy either, so what are you doing?
AS agrees with me, if we wanted someone to get over us, we wouldnt flirt with them like that.
Wed just be friends, normal friends.
Act like how we used to and all that.
Sure, weve never been just friends, apart from the very beginning, weve always had banter between us.
Why cant we still banter without you having to piss on my parade the very next day cos it feels like youve said too much?
Do you feel like youve said too much?
Cos you havent.
If you remember all our memories and you bring them up, then you cant blame me for thinking things.
All our memories.
Meh.
AS thinks that were not just friends, but she cant figure out what we are, its good to know that someone else feels the same way.
Cos were not just friends are we?
But i dunno what we are.
Maybe you needa tell me.

KL kinda just disregarded stuff i said and she was kinda on your side.
If it makes you happier, her being on your side, then i can deal with that, but shes saying how you might feel that you can flirt with me and i cant flirt with you.
Whats that all about?
Cos thats gonna make me hate you... (sarcasm)
Its not is it?
You know its not.
And thats not fair either.
Especially when you know what weve been through.
But then its like you cant control your character around me and you act like how you used to, the real you, and then the next day youll just freaking ignore me.
Does that make you feel happy?
Or are you trying to upset me on purpose?
Cos trust me when i say, its not making me hate you, its making me hate me.
Usually i think KL's right in everything, because shes so smart and she just knows, you know?
Like, minho knows.
But i cant help but think, theres more to this than whats being told.
I just know.
Why is it so hard to just tell me whats on your mind?
You close up so much.
Please just talk to me, properly, like the mature *COUGH* people that we are.

KL says that maybe youre scared that what i gave you for valentines was cos i still like you.
OH COME ON, dont flatter yourself please :)
I gave everyone one.
And the one i gave you, didnt mean anything more, its cos everyone thats close to me got one.
Aishhhh, please dont think that you were special just cos i gave you one too, its not like that anymore, i gave up on the fact that youd want me back already, ick.
So theres no need to be scared, cos i am not gonna make you fall in love with me again, as much as i wish i could, im not gonna try because i just want you to smile.
And why are you scared anyways?
We loved each other, end of.
You loved me, i loved you, and you made me smile the most, you made me realise that i had feelings that i didnt even know existed.
Happiness wasnt a word id use to describe what you gave me, because a whole new level of happiness was reached whenever you were around.
What did i do wrong?
You said you loved me too, yet you let me go.
How does that even work?
You were someone i was proud to talk to my parents about, and proud to say, yeah, i like him, and even when AS was always like, gahhh ive been scarred (harharhar) id say, yeah well... we werent doing anything :)
But deep down, whenever we held hands or like, hugged, id secretly be the happiest girl in the world.

I mean, are you gonna ignore me in stats tomorrow again?
Or are you gonna decide to talk to me again?
Cos i just wanna know.
Please either stop this, or make me feel like i used to. Properly. No games, no nothing, just us.
Please just dont flirt with me loads and let me think that you might still like me the slightest bit even if i dont have hope and its just a gut feeling.
Cos it hurts, because whenever you make me feel that way, im always preparing myself to be ignored for the next few days.
Cos thats just how you are these days.
You flirt bareeee, then just, ignore bareee.
And its mean.
You dont even respond to AS anymore, like in the way she whacks you, and all that jazz.
Before, youd whack back, and be responsive.
And thats how we knew that you were you.
In a way.
Youre so unresponsive.
Yet when were alone, you couldnt be more responsive if you tried.
Is that cos you dont wanna be a loner?
Cos even if you didnt wanna be a loner, you dont have to feed me shizzle.
And if you didnt like someone, surely you wouldnt go and feed them food.
Especially not when youve had a past.
Otherwise thats just harsh.
Which i dont believe you are.
Is it possible that i was the only one to feel that we still have something?
Tell me if it is.
I know imma flirt, and i admit it, but even i dont do that, and apparently my flirting is like, way up there.
I really wish youd open up.
You told me that you chose to move on.
And that it was up to me now whether i got over you or not.
But you say that, yet i still feel something there, and not just on my part.
Am i wrong?
Because its like youve said youve moved on but are those your true feelings?
Cos i know, theres more than meets the eye.
I know there is.

Its a shame youd never read this stuff.
Cos maybe once youd read it, you might start to talk to me about it and not just clamp up.
I wanna know whats running through your head.
Even as friends i have a right to know right?
Cos you cant deny that we were once, the closest.
Even if that was in the past, cos you made it.

Might sleep early tonight, i hate thinking about this shit.
It just makes me hate myself for not being good enough.
And for not being able to not overthink.
Cos i admit i overthink, but this time, its not even my fault that im overthinking.
Just please talk to me about what you want.
And speak true from your heart.
Please.
But seeing as youll never see this, i dont see it happening and il just have to do some guesswork.
Eurgh, please.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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080211 ♥ x

Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.

I just need you now.

Oh baby I need you now.

Beautiful song.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTT

♥

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080211 ♥ x

Havent blogged for a while, i should really get down to itt :)
Got some maths hw to get to, so i gotta freaking blog fast.
Bloggings never fast though T_T

It was soo sunny todayy ^^
It was so good!
Like, warm, but then it got cold again ><" T_T

HAD LATE CNY DINNER WITH FAMILY THIS WEEKEND/LAST WEEKEND.
As in the 6th ^^
I bought valentines presents for my friends and a rice bowl and stickers ^^

But it meant that i didnt get to go to kpop and see my friends :(
I MISS MY Sma²rk~dw *cries*

God im so distracted by tumblr.
Im talking to mel, she makes everything right again ^^
Its weird how like, shes younger than me, yet she has the ability to make me smile again, maybe cos shes my mama, i love you melly ^^
Aishhh, i wanna see them, and just be able to let it all out.
Of course the friends at school are always there for me, my besties too, but its like, different you know?
Cos they dont go to my school, i can let it out whenever, theres only a limit as to how much i can cry at school, cos hell be there.
Thank you mel, winnie and austen, for being here.
For being here for me, even though you dunno whats going on fully.
I am so lucky to have yo uguys.
Thank you Carlos, for making me laugh when im down and for being here even when im like, unresponsive, lmaoo ><"
Or when im ranting PROPERRR, and youre still here for me, you dont know how much it means when you text me to check if im okai, cos its good to know that youre here, even if your hugs are unfeelable right now.
Gomawo.
ALLOW YOU AS FOR NOT HAVING INTERNET, HOW THE HELL AM I MEANT TO SKYPE YOU WOMAN?! T_T
SKEEEEN.

My hoodie smells like him.
Eurghhh, get away smelllll.
Why do you smell like him?
STOP SMELLING :(
He was all odd at school today
Early in the morning i gave my friends their early valentines day presents ^^
Theyre so freaking cute.
RARRR ^^
I love emmm, but theyre kinda crappy
But theyre cute, so allow me >:]
I give him his and hes unresponsive.
Okai, be like that then, i just dismissed it, i had business to get to.
Then comes our Tuesday free, i was doing english at the beginning, we were gonna go to town after i finished it.
BS wanted to go first, i told him to go, but he said no.
I finished english and the minute we get outta school, he starts to cheer up cos hes been all mehhh in school.
Im glad he cheered up, its good when he smiles, when hes all bleh it scares me.
I was playing with my bubbles and he was smiling at me, laughing at me, not like, a mean laugh, as in like, you know..
I started blowing bubbles at his face, it was pretty funny, nothing came out T_T
GAYYY.
He then like, grabbed me and blew at my face ahahaha, we started having some blowing war LMAO
And we were laughing, he seemed genuinely happy.
It was good seeing him happy, hes not usually like that anymore which really sucks.
In the park i was making shadows cos of the sun, it was so fun ^^
I was as tall as the tree hehehehe :)
And he was laughing with me, and it was cute.
At starbucks, he ordered a drink and he asked if i wanted any whipped cream from the top.
I said no, because i get scared to get too close anymore becuase im scared of being hurt.
He then like, fed it to me.
It felt like the past, like everything was the same, before he broke my heart.
It felt good, normal, it worked, we worked, we worked today.
Whats he done?
Messing it up and shizzle, we work, everyone knows so.
He doesnt seem to realise.
Which sucks on another level.
We were on the skate ramp bit, and we were lying down, and he was tickling me and hugging me.
Then he goes to sit on the top bit, and he slides down and his legs are either side of me and he tickles me, and hugs me.
Eurghh, it felt good to be there with him, just there.
I cant hate him.
I wish i could, but i cant.
Its so hard.
Because its not just wishful thinking, but i think deep down he still might like me like 1%
It seems like he has some limit.
Like, he flirts his ass off with me, proper acts like we used to, then he reaches a limit, and he cant do it anymore.
Its like once that limits reached, he has to stop.
He has this look in his eye, where he just halts it.
Weve been texting about the whole duvet situation at Fou's sleepover.
He remembers it all, he wanted it all again.
Hes started using pooey again when he speaks, it hurts, but at the same time, it doesnt.
I dont know what to feel.
The second he reaches school, he just stops talking to me, completely ignores me.
He has some like manopausal stages and he takes me for granted.
Im letting him, what am i doing?
I wanna ask him what he wants from me, whether its just me or whether he feels this stuff to.
Why would he hurt me this way?
Whys he playing me?
Why..?
But like, i just dismissed it.
Everything that happened.
But like, was he just doing that cos noone else was there for him to be happy with?
Why would he do that?
What have i done to deserve it?
Eurgh.
Please let me back into your heart.
Please.
Im scared to talk to you about it incase it gets awkward again.
Cos lets face it, it does.
You just ignore me, not that you didnt today anyways.
Dyu know how much it hurt when you threw the present back at me?
Why would you even do that?
You just dont.
Sometimes, you make me so happy, when you text me and we have our banter, haha, it makes me laugh and its like, comforting to know that were still the same two people.
But were not are we?
Youve changed.
Maybe i have too, but youre different.
Yesterday when i told you i wouldnt speak to you by text, dyu know how hard it was for me not to pick up the phone and text you?
And when you spoke to me online, and said that it was stupid that we werent talking, it made me smile so much, cos i knew you were right, it was stupid that we werent talking and of course we argue all the time, but we dont actually argue, not even when everything happened.
I helped you concentrate on your physics, i was well proud :)
At least you got it done ^^
Remember to concentrate next time okai?
I wont be there every time to help you concentrate.
Aish, i wish i could be, but you wont let me, everythings on your terms.

Rarrr, i have maths to do.
LONGGG.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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050211 ♥ x

Oh poo holes.
Thats all i have to say today
LMAO ^^

Ohh, apart from the fact that i got one bill a work last night for £123!
I was well proud >:]
Rarar, it was so busy!
Worked overtime, daddy says i dont get anything cos its our own business, LMAO
Thanks dadd T_T

But yeah, thats all i had to say..
Aish.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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030211 ♥ x

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEARRR EVERYONEEEEE! :)
Its been a happy dayy!
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY CNY! :D
Hehehehe
Yay red pockets and all the rest of the shizzle!
LMAO AT TC who got 5 canadian dollars from his maamaa
Awwws, so cute ^^

GONG HEI FAT CHOI
LAI SEE DOU LOI (harharhar!)
SUN LEEN FAI LOK
SUN TAI GEEN HONG
SUM SEURNG SEE SING
HOK YEEP JUN BO
MAN SEE YUU YEE
YUT LEEN BEI YUT LEEN LENG

Ahhhh im so tired todayyyy ><
Hmphhhhhhh.
Stats is longggggg ><
Sos maths.
Sos business.
Ickickick!
But a one period day tomorrow! :)
Meaning i start at 8:30 and finish at 9:35...
YEAHHHHH ^^

Today was an okai day though :)
We get on better now, its good, friends is good.
Im cool.
Its okai, :)
Smiles all round please? :)

Sorry todays so short, might go sleep soon though, TIREDDDDD!

Over and OUTTTTTTTTT

♥

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020211 ♥ x

Ooo i havent blogged since January ended!
OOO!
Its the month of valentines day this month...
AFTER CNY! :D
CNY im excited about, but valentines day?
Not so much.
Its making me depressed cos i dont have one T_T
NEMNEMNEM.

GOD IVE DONE NO STATS D=
LOLOL ><
BUT I GOTTA NEW PHONE, soo ermmmm, i dont care atm ^^
WHITE BLACKBERRY BOLD 9780
Its beautiful :)

ALAINE MOVED HOUSE TODAY!
Like, her first day in her house
LUCKY BISH! ^^
IMMA GO AND SIT THERE FOREVER HARHARHAR <3

Went to have an early CNY dinner last nighttt, yummy stuff, not gonna lieee ^^
But i gotta tummyache after for eating so much D=
LMAOO IM SO FAT :)

And todayyyyy, i am having chickennnn, nummyyy ^^
UMUMUM, today was a good day :)
CT then maths...
Oh the joys of those two subjects!
But its not bad, co-ordinate geometry is my friend sometimes!
CT unit 4 looks like a bitch though, sooo, gotta step up the work ethic!
And then i got home at around 1 and bummed round till about now, thats the way! :D

Mmm, yesterdayyy was Tuesday righttt?! :D
Yeah it wasss, and that means that me, TC and TM went to the park and starbucks in our freee.
It was freaking FREEZING.
Im not even lying, it was like, BRRRRR D=
Yeahh, and TM kept hugging me T_T
Odd child.
And TC was being kinda distant.
And just plain mean, but then thats nothing new, LMAO
But there was this part when we were lying on the skate bit, it reminded me of fous, and at that moment i just wanted to like, hug him, and yeah...
And i just couldnt, cos its over.
Eurghhh.

As im changing phones, i typed up all the saved texts from him onto my computer and ive like, printed it and folded it and put it into the jam jar.
Its like, stuffed now LMAO
All the randomest things..
Baby, dyu remember the time we were lying on fous sofa?
And we were holding hands?
And it was like, 4am?
And... it was like, the best moment of my life?
Cos i remember it.
I wish i couldnt remember it sometimes.
I dunno.
Do you miss me?
Just wondering.

I WANT MY PHONE TO FINISH CHARGING GODDAMNIT T_T <3
COME ONNNN :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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