300111 ♥ x

Is it me or do i blog too much?
Anywayssssss, me and my mama went shopping today :)
Yeahyeahhh ^^
Hollister didnt have a queue?
I was like, WHUT YOU SERIOUS?!
LMAOOO, what a freaking revolution or whatever!
And i might be getting a blackberry :)
WOOO ^^
KFC FOR LUNCH, nomnom <3

Im starting to think clearly now :)
Im happier ^^
Like, i still question what happened and why it happened and how it happened.
And why is still such a prominent word in my head, but whats done is done, and i cant change that, because the way he feels can be changed by nobody but himself.
So yeah...
I wish, but i know i wont receive.
YEAHYEAHHH BEING HAPPY.
Hahaha yeahyeah reminds me of nev the bear in Bear Behaving Badly on CBBC...
LOL SHUSH I STILL WATCH CBBC T_T <3
But yeahh, smileee :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTT

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300111 ♥ x

Fuck it, you know?
So what if he gives other people x's?
I cant care about it.
So.Fucking.What?
Hes moved on anyway, theres nothing left for me, so why do i care?
I cant care.
I cant.
I gotta stop caring.
Ick.
Wow, who knew this wouldve messed me up so bad?
Who wouldve freaking guessed.
Screw it.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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300111 ♥ x

LMAO, had THE ODDEST dream last night =s
It was kinda funny...
TC was dressed as captain jack sparrow from POTC?
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I have no idea why...?
And we were on cam, and his kitchen was HUGE?
And then his mum walks by, but its not his mum?
Its an english lady...
But i knew it was his mum?
LMAO, im like "whut?" when i wake up
HAHAHAHAHA

You know how like, girls do count the amounts of x's boys give?
Its actually so true.
My god...
Im on some next paranoia thing right now.
Its so gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
WAEYOOOOOOO :(
Chincha gay, jesussss.
Hes started giving out x's like theyre free shizzle from down the road, LMAO
Some weird example ^o)
STILL.
And he never did before?
And i dont mean to me either..
So now im like? :/
Oh man...

STOP THINKING WOMAN.
STOP BLOODY THINKING.
EURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
My brain should just stop working right about now.
Please.
Im pretty sure hes forgotten about our memories, when on the other hand, im sat here, suddenly remembering them at random times all the time.
Its true what NH said, how guys get over girls so much easier than the other way round.
Girls think and dwell and what not, and true, you could just choose not to do that, but its hard.
You have to be really strong for that, and im just, well im just not.
Im also pretty sure that hes completely over me now, cos the more he wants be over something, the more hell be over it, cos hes determined like that, one of the reasons i liked him so much.
Mmm...
If only i was like that.
FUDGE SAKES MANNN.
What he says and does really affects me, it like hits a nerve thats reserved just for him.
It should right?
It shouldnt go anywhere near my nerve, i shouldnt even have one OMDZZZZZ T_T
I never used to care, its like, my trust levels have decreased so much.
I used to trust people like, ridiculous amounts.
Now, its like, i cant trust to save my life.
Allow this heartbreak, its so messed up.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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290111 ♥ x

Work makes me tiredddd
Sillinesssss ><
AS thinks im not alright, I AMMM, i promSIEEE :)
And TO MY AS, WELL DONE BABYYYYYYYYYY <3
FOR GETTING AN OFFER FROM BRUNEL
I TOLD YOU THEYD COME ROLLING IN, AND YOU DIDNT TRUST ME.
Always trust my gut.
Say no more.
Kekeke, seee ^^
Now we can go to uni together!
Although its not your first choice, cos you got better places to go T_T
So WHATEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR, say no moreee.
BUT STILL, CONGRATULATIONSS, i ruff youu ^^

Anddd, its weird, i cant believe its only saturday?
Well sunday, but yeah...
The weekends go so slowly now...
Maybe cos ive got work in the evening now?
But surely that would make it go by faster?
I dunnoes, weekends go so slow and i just want the week to come faster cos i have nothing to look forward to at home...
I wait for the week, and yeah...
Ive never felt weekends go this slowly before, ever.
Maybe its the want that i possess right now?
Dunnoes.
I dont even know why im complaining about slow going weekends, but im scared its for a reason.
I dont even know the reason.
FEDGE THIS.
But AS, this does not mean im not okai T_T
Im just confused, doesnt mean im not fine you massive poo <3

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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290111 ♥ x

Did i blog yesterday?
I cant remember =s
I think i did ^^
I cant believe its nearly the end of January already...
Its gone well fast, plus, i keep thinking its February already =s
Hmmm...
LOOL ><

I woke up well early this morning, but i lay in bed for like 2 hours cos im lazy like that
And i did something bare stupid ><
I read TC's texts
The ones ive had saved in my folder on my phone, cos they were uber cute and made me love him even more.
I havent read them since the day.
And cos i was bored, i read em.
Damn it.
How stupid can i be?
Fudge.

The jam jar's still on the side of my desk
Its got everything that 'belonged to us' in there.
Its like, his jar...?
Its got what he wrote me for my birthday.
Its got his band that i stole off him.
Its got what i made him and then decided it was too girly, LMAO
Most importantly, its got the memories, invisible to the eye, but inevitably there.
Everytime it catches my eye, i smile, its got like, 6 months worth of memories in there.
I want everything back.
To be able to continue making memories with him.
I cant say im over him, cos that would be lying.
Because ultimately, i DO want everything back.
Please God, i want it all back.
I know everything happens for a reason, but this is unfair.
And i know life isnt fair, but this is kinda mean...
No?
Bless AS whos like, she wants me to get it all back too, even if it means her seeing all the gross stuff she had to endure before
Hahaha, awww :) <3
Love you chingu.
Aish, everything, please come back to me.
Please..

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTT

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280111 ♥ x

Firstly, i forgot to sayyy yesterday thatttt, it was like, remembrance day for those who died in the Holocaust!
Sorry i forgot to say so ><

Secondly, whys tumblr not working?
I needa exhault emotions AISH.
But this place is pretty good for that too

Thirdly; didnt go to school todayyyy
Rararar, there was an exam on and i was like, theres gonna be like 2 of us in there..
And we wouldnt learn anything cos its a single lesson.
Whats the point?
So i didnt go in :)
Plus i had some crappy headache T_T
ICK.

I had the crappiest dream.
In my dream, me and AS were in the airport for some reason?
I have no clue why
And TC was there, and he gave me the massivest (thats notta word but yeah) hug ever.
More massive than hes ever given me before and he was properly looking into my eyes and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards him.
Swear i stopped breathing from happiness cos we werent meant to be together?
And then AS was like, ick D=
LOLOL ^^
Shes sucha cutie <3
And then i randomly texted TC when i was half asleep in my dream saying, bubby i miss you.
And he texted back going, bubby?
And i was like, D= Omg im sorry, that was an accident.
But then he was like, its okai, i miss you too, i really regret everything.
And i was bare haps.
Then i woke up for real and it wasnt real...
*Cries*
Ottokae..?
Why didnt he fight for us?
Why did he give up on me?
Especially when he still loved me.
Aishhhhh...

Work tonight, i CBA.
Like honestly cannot be botheredddddd, imma lazyyy ^^
He didnt text back last night, but oh wellsss, s'not like im not used to it already by now, i kinda just expect him not to text really...
Mehhhh.

Watched like, 5 episodes of MIOBI lmfao, i needa life >:]
KEKEKEKE ^^

DADDY BOUGHT ME SUSHI AND ONION RINGS ^^
WOOOOOOOOO!
And im having kebab for dinner.
FATTTYYYYYYYYYYYY <3

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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270111 ♥ x

Ive got a sudden.. memory ><
I dont really like it tbh...
I really wanna feel his arms around me.
Why did he choose to give up?
Just why.
Why did he choose to move on?
All these questionsss, my brains like a big question mark.
HAHAHA IMAGINE A BRAIN IN THE SHAPE OF A QUESTION MARK!
Oh im distracted so easily...
I wanna be able to hug him again...
Just as normal friends.
Like, me and JF hug all the time, just as friends, i havent hugged TC for like, a lightyear.
The last day he hugged me was on the day it all happened..
It feels so long ago :(
Why did it all end?
The feeling i had when he used to hug me...
I dont think its describable tbh.
It was like some out of this world feeling, where everything just felt right.
Like it was meant to be.
Aishhh, im on some nostalgic ting atm...

Bet hes doing a maths paper, or his phones spazzed, or hes just boying me
LMAO
But im not getting to upset, i just still wish.
But that doesnt mean i have hope.
Does that make sense to you?
Dunnoes if it does, i might be baffling you LMAO ><
Maybe one day hell realise that he might miss me a tiny bit and take it all back...
But im not gonna long for that day, cos then it means im letting myself have the chance to be disappointed.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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260111 ♥ x

AS, you dont understand.
Its because i do trust you that i feel this way.
You think i dont trust you.
Thats the biggest piece of poo ever.
I cant help the way you feel, im sorry for making you feel it in the first place.
But its because i do trust you, that i know i have a higher height to fall from if i get pushed over the edge.
Im not saying that youll shove me over the edge, thats not what im implying, its just, when you trust someone with your everything, it hurts so much more when they take all that trust away.
Just like TC, i trusted him, with my all.
He meant, everything.
And he took it all away.
I can tell you that if i hadnt trusted him with my life, i wouldnt have been nearly half as upset as i was.
But i fell from a greater height.
Im sorry about how i made you feel, it wasnt my intention, please believe me.
I love you chingu.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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260111 ♥ x

Omgggg Make It or Break It makes me cry so badddd D=
Its so emoshh mann!
And its completely describing my life right now.

And im so not looking forward to tomorrows free 3 and 4 because i dont know whether AS will talk to me.
I dont wanna lose her, what do i do? :(
I need some like agony aunt right now
Remember those kids magazines which had Agony Aunt's?
Hahahaha, good times ^^
I hope shes not angry at me, please god, dont let her be angry at me :(
Let everything be alright.
I need her.
Shes my best friend.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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260111 ♥ x

Im scared.
Scared of so much.
Scared of losing my best friend.
Scared of having crossed the line too many times with my selfishness.
Scared that ive gonna fail my exams.
Scared that i have no control over my feelings.
Scared of the future.
Just scared.
But all of these things, are not avoidable...
If thats even a word.
Being scared sucks, cos like, it makes you feel really silly inna way...
Cos why be scared?
But it is, ultimately, fucking scary.

Exam status: Over.
Something for me to celebrate :)
But i cant...
Im supposed to be happy that theyre over, but i couldnt give a shit.
I couldnt concentrate in my exam today, what i had in my brain wasnt what i needed in my brain and what i needed in my brain wasnt what i had in my brain.
To me, celebration isnt really on the cards right now...

2 weeks.
Its been 2 weeks, surely im supposed to have got over him more by now?
But apparently not.
Apparently ive gotten over him a bit and im stuck, in this place.
How do i get out?

We were good yesterday, we were friends.
Period 3 and 4, our free.
Like i said yesterday, i was smiling, it was good.
But for the past 2 weeks, every time i get a good day, i wait for something shit to happen just to fuck it up.
And it did.
My best friend blogged something that made me feel like the shittest person in the world.
I dont know whether it was about me, but it seemed to be, i asked her and she wouldnt text back.
Does she just need space?
She doesnt wanna talk, i can tell.
She wants nothing to do with me, its my fault.
But i thought our friendship meant so much more...?
I just want her to talk to me, about the situation.
Why it hurts her so much, because there has GOT to be more to it than "seeing you hurt is making me hurt"
I wanna know what shes thinking, everything on her mind.
Even if its gonna upset me when i hear it.
I dont know what she wants.
I know she wants the old me back, but i want her to understand that thats gonna take a bit longer than 2 weeks...

I got my leavers hoodie today, wooo :)
Allow the word leavers.
I dont wanna leave, i like my school, what is this? :(
I gave TC his water money back today, took like 4 times T_T
Silly boy doesnt know how to accept moneys, i just dont want him to feel that he owes me anything.

TC gets along well with AS, but i know its all in my head that its anything more than friends.
Ive blogged this before, and its not necessary for me to blog it again.
Its all me.
Because im scared.
Because im paranoid.
Because im stupid.
Its just insecurity and the fact that hes him.
You know?
It hurts less now when i see them hang out together, honestly it does.
Because ive realised that i can have fun with him as friends too, as yesterday proved
But if us 3 were to hang out together?
I dont think i can do that just yet...
I want to be able to though.
I want to.
I do.
Does it sound like im convinced yet?
Haha, i didnt think so either.
But lets be honest, this will always stress me out.
Im me, hes him, and thats how its gonna be.
No more us, just me, and him.
It hurts bloggie.
Im always in the wrong now, when i think about it, i find myself to be so selfish, but i cant help what i feel.
Fuck sakes.
I just want it all to stop.
All to end.
Please stop.
Please end.
I just wanna sleep, forever, and never wake up, so i dont have to think about this anymore.
But im only 18, come on, there will be worse cases than this when im older, but honestly, this has been the worst yet, and i just need to accept it...
Ohhh bums.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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250111 ♥ x

Sorry i didnt blog last night!
OMGAHOMGAHOMGAH, i just heard the bestest news ever, but i will tell you about it later ^^

OKAI, so yesterday, i had an english exam AND a business exam.
Fuck my life.
Just fuck my life.

Oh wow, slight deviation...
One of my besties is the vainest person in this world!

AB:

Congratulations! is a beautiful word
DC:

not as beautiful as youuuuuuu ^^
AB:

no but not much is

lol

^^

LMFAO KAI THEN <3

So yesterday was my exam day lalala
First A2's and shizzle.
Freaking AISHHHHHHHHH.
Umm umm ummm, english went okai actually, questions were good!
1 hour for Shakespeare, 1 hour for Marlowe and Chaucer!
Oh gooddyyyy!
So that means i wrote for 2 hours non stop
Then i had a 1 hour 45 minute business exam...
3 hours and 45 minutes of continuous is not fun.
Ive decided.
20 pages of writing later, IM OUT FOR THE DAY! :)
After english, toby was really off with me, he just chooses not to talk to me whenever he feels like it?
Then when he feels like it, i get spoken to?
Thats kinda unfair?
But i got over it, cos in the business exam, i was like, thinking about it for a bit, then i realised, i cant think about him during my exam, i NEED to concentrate.
EURGHHH.
So i concentrated :)
Not that i knew what i was doing...
Anyway, so after my exams that day, he texts me asking me if my exams went well?
Im like, HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?! D=
So fair enough, we start texting, whatever, but at that point, im already just taking it as it comes, just as friends
Were just friends, ive told myself that so many times, but im starting to believe it and im happy you know? :)
Happy as just friends.

THENNNNN I STOPPED COS IT WAS GODFATHERS BIRTHDAY DINNER! ^^
HE GOT BIRTHDAY DESSERTS!
But he wouldnt admit it was his birthday so i had to blow out the candle for him T_T
LOL what a gay :)
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY GODFATHERRRRR!
I HOPE ALL YOUR WISHES CAME TRUE AND I LOVE YOU LOTS! ^^

Sooo, todayyy!

I SAW FOU!
I havent seen him for what seems like YEARRRRRS!
So after him annoying me the whole break by BREAKING MY RIBS T_T
Me and TC walked down the lane to find FH :)
JF was a neek and going to media or something...?
So anyways, were walking down the lane and he wont lemme sing Shaun the Sheep :(
I WASNT EVEN GONNA PHONE RAPE HIM T_T
Okai, so i might have, BUT STILL.
Anyways, FOU CAME DRIVING UP INNA CAR.
OMDZZZ.
Then got some lady honking him lmfao!
Cos he was bad >:]
Anywaysss, then JF decides hes gonna come after all cos his teacher isnt at the lesson, LOLOL BOYEDDDD JF >:]
Then we went to McDonalds, where can i just say, I WANTED TAP WATER.
Except the silly TC goes and buys bottled water?!
T_T
£1.29...
IS HE SERIOUSSSSSSSSSSS?!
Lolol, thank you though :)
I was bare thirsty D=

Then after MCD's we went to Sainsburys and then for a random drivey drive ^^
That pooey TC tickled me like the whole way T_T
CHOCOLATE IS A NICE THING, HE SHOULD THINK ABOUT THE KIDS IN AFRICA WITH NO CHOCOLATE GOD DAMN IT!
CADBURYS FRUIT AND NUT JEEEEEEEEZ!
The best chocolate around MMMM ^^ <3
He ate like 10 squares of chocolate, fat crappppppp.
We all only had like 2 LOLOOL, FATTY.
Then he ate all the mango pudding, TRIPLE FATTY.
So much for giving me some T_T
Imma pour water on him.
HARHARHAR ^^

OOO BRB DNINERRRRR :D
HARHARHAR pie.

IM BACKKKKKK
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Burnt my freaking tongue T_T
Freaking hurts and all TC can do is laugh at my pain.
POO FACEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

But yeah, im a lot happier today, everything he does or says, i just take it the friendly way, because i dont wanna get upset about it again.
Its all okai :)
Im smiling ^^

Andddd, back to what i found out!
MY BABY AB GOT AN OFFER FROM UCA
YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH <3
She says shes got her coat hanger smile back ^^
Oh i do love herrrr <3
SHES GONNA BE AMAZINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG :D

And SILLY AS.
SILLY SILLY POO.
SHE DIDNT SHARE MY RICE TODAY T_T
Bare rejected my rice T_T

AND AB and AS didnt trust me, even when i was speaking in the circle of trust.
SUCK MY ASIAN WILLY YOU BISHES FOR NOT BELIEVING ME WHEN I WAS TELLING THE TRUTH! >:[
RK said we was flirting..
But we werent =s
So did JF.
WHAT DO THEY KNOW?! >:]
I LOVE YOU GUYS REALLY :D
But nahh, RK and i decided that just when i show my face, im flirting.
Thats how much of a flirt i am.
SAYS HER.
BISH T_T

Ooo, i wanna go watch tangled :)
Exams are over soon, SO LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT!

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230111 ♥ x

Godddd, its 11:29 and i just woke up D=
IM SUPPOSED TO BE REVISING.
SHITTTTTTTTTT ><

You know, every night, i dream.
And every night, the dreams about us.
Its always about the past.
Were still together.
Why are we still together?
I hate it.
I wake up and i think its real.
Its not.
ITS NOT ITS NOT ITS NOT DAPHNE, GET IT INTO YOUR HEAD.

I was at Westfield with Alaine, and suddenly she disappeared...
I found a little boy with a toy bear which moved o.O
He told me he was lost, and i spent the whole day trying to find his family who hated me...
I dont know why they hated me.. LOL
In the end, i found his family in McDonalds due to my amazing detective skills LMAOO
And he didnt come up for ages, i found him sitting on the escalator which was broken and not moving.
He was talking to his bear o.O
Then he came in and gave me his bear, and i asked him not to forget mee
It was bare emosh o.O
He was only like, 4
LMAOOOOO WTFFFFF ><

Heathside was like, connected to Westfield, it was so weird?
And we were in the common room, the little boy as well, i think by this point, me and T werent together anymore in the dream.
The little boy went up to him and gave him a massive hug, it was well cute! LOL
He was sucha cutie, im not even lying, his cheeks were SOOO CUTEEE AND CHUBBYYY, and he was like, AWWW
And his hands were so fat and cutie and hed hold my hand when he walked cos he was scared cos Westfield was so big!

Is this the point where i bring in the quote by Cinderella?
"A dream is a wish your heart makes, when youre fast asleep"
Is that what i want?
To be able to have his arms wrapped around me again?
To be able to feel him kiss me again?
To be able to have his hand holding mine?
To be able to feel safe and loved, just because hes in my life?
I dont even know what i want.
So i guess i cant blame him for not knowing what he wanted before either.
All i can do is remember.
And its not like i choose my dreams =s
They just happen.

Honestly, sometimes, i just wish i could go up to him, give him a massive hug, look him into the eyes and everything will be alright.
But i know it wont, because that cant happen.
Everytime i try to start a friendly conversation now, he looks at me, like he couldnt give a crap about what i just said.
He gets impatient easily, everytime i say something, he just seems to get mad, or grumpy, i cant tell which.
I dont wanna annoy him anymore, does that mean i shouldnt speak to him?
And what about that day, after he broke it off?
He said wed still do our movie marathon.
Somehow, i dont think thats gonna happen...
He said you still wanna do the things that we said we would do...
Is it just me, or can you just not see that happening?
He wont even look at me unless he needs to.

Hahaa, he hasnt cut his hair in a while now, reminds me of how i used to beg him not to cut it too short LMAO
Oh i was so cool (Y)
I HAVE A FREAKING TUMMY ACHE.
WHAT IS THISSSSSS?! T_T
Booooooo :(
I have to distract myself from thinking, do stuff to stop myself from thinking.
But theres only so much i can do, because lets face it, im not always gonna be busy..
LOL
But progression is taking place, i can assure that!
Im getting over it, slowly but surely :)
This is what he wanted isnt it?
So its what im doing.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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220111 ♥ x

Had work todayyy!
Took my mind off things which was good :)
Was too busy to think about stuff!
Jeez, so many students from ACS, every week its Jay, Hyunsu and Nikita hahaa
And the ones who call from Reeds are always speaking to me in chinese LMAO <3
Eric or something...
Why do i know this?! LMAOO
Daddy says im fast! ^^
The members of staff say im faster than daddy, HARHAR!
Then i started singing this really annoying song and dad told me to shut up T_T
LMAO MY BAD! >:]
Gotta pay rise though, so i cant be that bad right?! :D

I MISS HK SOOO BAD :(
All my tong siew cheurng k's with my babies <3
AISHHH :(
Cant believe me and winnie were like, the oldest out of us T_T
We probably act the least mature LMAOO!
ALL MY SHOPPING WITH THEM :(
ALL THE SPENDING MONEYSSS D=
AISHHHHHHHHHHHHHH :(
All the seeing them everyday, and now i see them like, NEVER God it brekas my silly little already withered heart :(
I NEED TO SEE THEM GODDAMNIT.
In HK preferably so we can do our cheurng k, shopping, sik fan, geen meen EVERYDAY! >:]
And maybe go to the beach a few more times.
And eat sushi!
NOMNOMNOM :)
And do that ridiculous amount of walking everyday so i lose weight again LMAO!
God i miss it so much :(
Silly england.
POOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
MK, KOWLOON TONG, SHATIN, FANLING, SHEUNG SHUI, HUNG HOM, EVERYWHERE!
OMGGGGGG :(
MISSAGE ON SOME NEXT LEVEL!

I just camwhored >:]
God its so fun and addictive ^^ <3
HARHARHAR :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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220111 ♥ x

Wouldve been 4 months today.
But its not.
Same day Grandma C is arriving.
I hope he has fun :)
Happiness is key!

Talking of happiness is key, i should probably start following my own preachings...
Lool ^^
Ive been moping around, being upset, over what is a tiny ass matter compared to what my friends are experiencing.
They have problems that are so much more major in comparison to mine and yet, im crying to them?
Seriously?
I think thats probably my main freaking issue, hahaa ^^

Sure, my hearts been broken, but in crying over it, ive broken my friends hearts, my familys hearts, etc.
I have GOT to stop hurting them.
Them seeing me cry hurts them.
I cant help crying, honestly i cant, but i have got to stop crying in front of them.
I have got to stop being so selfish.
Because T ending it, was probably a good decision on his part, not on mine, but i still respect him, therefore, i have to respect his decisions right? :)

So to all those people ive hurt, in hurting myself, im sorry.
I know saying sorry isnt gonna make you feel better, because over the past week, all ive done is confuse myself, confuse you, and stay confused.
I know i havent been myself lately, im usually mostly always smiling, and this week has definitely not been that.
But i know what i have to do.
Chin up, smile :)

Il still keep the memories, theyre the only things i have left of him atm cos, well, hes trying to help me get over him, which isnt the best way possible, but R says its boy logic.
Boys logic sucks.
But if it works for him, then il have to accept it.

K says that hes not talking because he knows i dont have a fine line between friendship and flirty friendship.
There are guys that i dont flirt with, a lot of them in fact.
But the guys i do flirt with, i dont like any of them in that way...
So surely, i do know the line between friendship and love.
Because if i didnt, id love every guy i flirted with right?
So just because i flirt with him, it doesnt mean that i cant get over him, im just like that with everyone, even he knows that.

Anyway, what im tryna say is;
I have to move on.
Ive GOT to move on.
Or il just end up having the people that i love, hate me.
Because im burdening them all with this crazy issue of mine.
Its been hard moving on, but im sure itll get easier.
In time...
I cant think of what else to do, theres nothing else i can do.
I still think of him.
But it doesnt matter now.
My feelings have got to stay locked in their box in the back of my heart now.
Kaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii ^^ <3

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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210111 ♥ x

Last week, we were fine.
Then you sealed my heart for like a day.
Then you broke it again.

A week later, were anything but fine.
Oh, and were none of the positives either.
Thing is, its not even my fault.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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210111 ♥ x

HAPPIER TOPIC.
I HAD A WHOLE WASTED DAY TODAY! T_T
So...
My english teachers been ill recently...
So then apparently today she might not have been in.
Fair enough, i have maths period 3 and 4 anyways, soooo, il go in anyway.
Do revision period 1
Do revision period 2
Break.
Go to maths class period 3.
Realise its not a stats class.
C ditches me to go home.
Do reivision period 3
Get distracted by Josh and Mark period 3 and 4.
Gotta wait for my mum till 2 cos shes having a meeting with my form tutor...
So i talk to Charlotte in the common room for a few hours.
I think that was the only part of the day where i did something...
LOL
Oh what a waste of my dayyy! :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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210111 ♥ x

Im so sorry A.
I figure its my fault.
Because it is 100% my fault.
None of this is your fault, however much you blame yourself.
Im sorry i hardly spoke to you today, because i found it hard to even look at you, hard to look at him.
But a lot harder to look at you.
Not because i didnt want to, but because i couldnt.
You are my best friend, i doubted you.
But not because i didnt trust you, but because im finding the situation hard to deal with.
Im so messed up, and its not your problem, but mine.
Whenever i think about it after, i think, why the hell did i even care?!
Like honestly, what the hell?
Because you guys have always been like that.
Always always, like me and J have always been like that.
But like i said, i never noticed it before.
Like, i can remember you guys in assembly, it went me, you and him.
Inna row.
You guys were messing about, and it didnt even cross my mind.
Nothing.
I just thought, im so lucky to have a best friend and boy that i like this much to get along so well.
Cos loads of people arent lucky enough to have that.
Then after, you were like, "never make me sit between you guys again"
Haaaa, thinking about it now, it still makes me smile.
But thinking about the present, i dont smile one bit.
My smile turns upside down, and it starts to hurt.
It just hurts you know?
So so much.

Tomorrows the 22nd.
It wouldve been 4 months.
Grandma C is coming to England...
I would be excited with him but i cant.
It doesnt matter now, he has others being excited with him, and thats all that matters :)
4 months...
Coincidence of dates much?
Not that that matters either...

He hardly even looks at me now.
It went from him, having me as his everything, to him not even looking at me, answering me in the most blunt ways possible.
I cant say im jealous, because i dont think jealousy feels like this.
I think its just hurt.
Hurt because he wanted to be friends, and i know hes trying to make it easier for me, i understand that, but ignoring me is not gonna make me feel any better.
Sure he doesnt wanna lead me on, but hes put it out there, i know he doesnt like me anymore and that hes moved on, and i can control my feelings if i have to.
I know, none of this is your fault, youve just been dragged into this stupid equation, because of the fact that you are my chingu.
Im so sorry.
You dont deserve this.
Its my own issue, that i shouldnt even consider.
But everytime i see it, it is something i consider.
Its something that gets replayed in my head, again and again.
Its like some paranoia and its really getting to me.

I hate feeling this way.
I hate myself.

I feel selfish.
I feel wrong.
I feel disgusted with myself.
I feel horrible.
I feel mean.
I feel like a shit best friend.
Because those things are true.
I am selfish.
I am wrong.
I am disgusted with myself.
I am horrible.
I am mean.
I am a shit best friend.
Because if i wasnt, you wouldnt have been hurt today by the fact that i was being a total bitch.

I saw him shove you on his way out, that was like a blow to my heart.
I know, shoving right?
WHAT AN IDIOT.
I am such a pabo.
Like on another level.
How can that be interpreted...?
But it was.
I see him shove you, and laugh, and you laugh.
And whats my problem?
Of course i want you guys laughing, you mean so much to me, all i want is for you to be happy.
So why am i complaining?
Why does it hurt?
I dont even know.
Nan molla.
Hes always shoved you before, its been like that before.
Why cant i just treat it like before?
Because its not before...
And its now...

C says its normal.
To feel this way, because ive been hurt and its like a reflex.
Am i trying to protect myself?
Because i dont really care about myself right now.
I just know ive been crap.
To both of you.
Especially you.
Ive been crap to him, for not getting over him when he wants me to.
God knows ive tried.
But i still dont understand you know?
Sure hes explained it...
But i still dont understand, even after getting my closure.
I emotionally dont understand.
But i guess i gotta deal with it.
Just deal...
God if he knew i had this blog, hed think i was a sad loser, hed find me so fucking annoying.
He must think im pathetic, for not being able to get over him.
For not being able to just stfu and stop posting miserable posts and tumbl'ing depressing shit.
But its the only place where im getting ALL my feelings out you know?
Cos its too long winded to say out frigging loud.
And some things on the internet, GET MY AGREEMENT SO WELL.
And ive been crap to you, for being such a stupid ass poohole.
For not being the best friend you deserve.
And for being such a selfish bitch.
You will always be put first, i feel so crap for feeling this.
I dont want to feel this anymore.
I want to be able to have a laugh, with you, with him, together, like before, without having a feeling inside me where it feels like my hearts getting trapped in my lungs and tears are about to just drop from my eyes because i can feel them stinging and its getting harder and harder harder to try not to cry.

Today, in my head and my heart, it was like a BBF Gummy sunbae fire alarm going off.
Ringing and ringing.
Except i have no sunbae, my version of sunbae is you.
Ji Hoo sunbae is you, youre the one whos there for me when my fire alarm goes off.
Im so sorry.
For being a crappy Jandi.
Mianhe.
Saranghaeyo.
Ijen and forever.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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200111 ♥ x

This is what its come to.
Do you get upset when you see me hug him?
Do you?
Cos i get upset when i see you like that...

Its weird, cos i know its all happened before.
Its exactly the same for you as it was before!
You act the same with everyone, so on so forth, apart from me.
And i guess i do the same.
But surely its meant to hurt me more, because youre the one who ended it.

I can remember it being the same before, when me and you were a "thing" however you would describe it..
But in the past, id never question it, never doubt you..
Never doubt us..
But now its like a threat to me, because i know you dont love me anymore.
Its something for me to doubt, because i know that its all been taken away and even more can be taken away.

Does it hurt you when you see me hug him?
Because its not supposed to.
Im just being how i used to be.
But i dont think that it affects you.
Because youre still fine.

You told me to move on.
Im trying.
You said that you cant deny that you still have feelings for me.
That theres still something there.
Yet you chose to move on.
I understand that.
But then you said that now its up to me whether i move on or not.
Am i missing something?
Cos it sounds to me as if youve taken yourself out the equation and now its just simply my problem, that i need to sort out, when youre the one whos brought me here, to this place.
Is it all my fault now?
Am i the one to blame?
Because ive been blaming myself already, so is this just another thing for me to find fault in myself from?

Why did you make it awkward?
Or did you not think its awkward?
I know you said that you dont know what to say, but im still me and youre still you.
And as much as i hate to say this;
Were still us...
Just separate...
When i was standing opposite you and A was standing opposite J...
It was like, us 4...
You know what i mean?
I dont know if you get me, but it felt right.
But then it was just, awkward, and not us, and wrong, because it was weird...
Us 4 is no longer us 4...
J and A dont talk anymore, me and you hardly talk anymore...
Us 4 has turned into Us 2 and You 2.
Its difficult...

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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190111 ♥ x

It hurts.
Again.
All over again.
I feel like my hearts about to explode.
Why are you doing this to me?
You talk to me when you wanna, you dont when you dont.
Is that what we are now?
Am i your safety net?
Yeah, well breaking news, it hurts being your safety net.
Especially when youre my everything.
My friends tell me to change that. I cant.
How am i supposed to make you mean less?
When i know that me and you are so much more than what youre portraying us to be right now.
If only youd see, with your silly chinese eyes.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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180111 ♥ x

I cant call her A, cos i have two A's in my life.
Id get confused...
So here's to my Arex.

Baby, you are so special, you are an amazing person, and you accepted me straight away when i came to Heathside.
I may not have known you for as long as the others, and i may not have been as close to you at first, but you have grown to become one of the most treasured people in my life.
You are always always on my mind, as a best friend, you naturally will be.
24/7
You didnt deserve this, noone does, but because youre you, the wrong is so much more prominent.
You have a heart as big as china, and you use that to capture all of us.

When the whole Toby thing happened last week, you were one of the ones who i knew i had to talk to.
Someone i had to text, even if you werent gonna text back straight away, and someone who i trusted.
You helped me..
Not in making me get over him because i still love him, even if i know hell never love me back again, but in knowing me.
It hurts so much, even now, it feels like a part of me has been taken away, but you know me and you know how to make me smile.
I can admit, that you wont be able to make me forget, that you wont be able to make me stop loving him, and that you wont be able to make me remember constantly that he doesnt love me anymore.
But you were there.
You are here.
And thats what matters.

Your blog...
One word springs to my mind, protection.
You amaze me, in so many ways, and you are honestly, such a genuine person.
I believe you, because i saw how shocked you were.
Alaine believes you, she was there too.
When that glass broke, the shattering..
It was like freaknig pathetic fallacy but not with weather, just shattering glass.
God, it scared the shit out of me.
Swear to god Fou was angry, but Fou would never be actually angry at us, he was just tired.

We all love you you know?
I knew you were upset, i knew.
You say that i didnt know how upset you were, obviously i couldnt feel it, because ive never been in your position, but i am right behind you, always there.

Chin up.
Thats what you tell me.
Stop thinking about others, and think about yourself.
You are always helping me stay strong, along with Kerry and Alaine.
You mean the world to me.
Please dont hurt yourself anymore, and cry over this.
I know its hard, but whenever you need me, even if its cos youve woken up cos of a nightmare during the night, call me.
Il be there, to talk to you, to listen to you cry, and to have a shoulder for you to cry on the next day.

Of course, my situation is different to yours.
The guy im in love with, fell out of love with me, different to one of your best friends, well, you know...
But best friends, go through things together.
The ups and the downs, lefts and rights (just cos it sounds cooler this way,) i am here for you.
Never think that i am too busy for you, or dont have the time for you, there is no such thing as that.
You mean massive amounts to me.

Remember that when you cry, i cry.
When you smile, i smile.
And when you pk on the street, well, il laugh at you then <3

Iloveyousomuch.
Never forget that.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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180111 ♥ x

Anyeonggg! ^^
How's everyone feeling today?
Notice my happy face, showing that today that i feel better!
That makes me sound like some mental patient who has issues... =s
LOLOL, its not meant to sound like that! ><
But im inna happier mood today! :)
SMILE EVERYONEEESSS :)

Im on skype to Alaine, shes got some bunchies, she rooking so da cutie ^^
The second pictures me and my flower baby normally >:]



School was okai today i guess, same old people, same old lessons, puked a couple of times, was kinda sad ><
Three times to be exact!
I had pie for breakfast and lets just say, pie doesnt stay in my tummy as nicely as id hoped...
BLEURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Kakaka ^^
TBH I BLAME JOSHUA FRY.
Silly boy was ill today too, so its blatently him giving it to me through the air T_T
GET BETTER SOON JOSHY :)

Mmm, toby is sucha big massive poo!
Sweardown we have something...
Am i the only one who feel ths spark?
NEMNEMNEM ^^

I wished upon a full moon today!
IT WAS SO BIG AND ROUND AND BEAUTIFUL!
I love the moon when its so pretty ^^
I was proper personifying it in my head o.O
I told Alaine how when a full moons out you gotta wish, and she said "or you turn into a werewolf..."
What the fudge?! LOLOL <3

Craig was a poo today, he walked like a loner to the station T_T
SO ANTISOCIAL
Then was like, I SAW WHAT YOU DID.
I KNEW he was looking at me giving me a LOOK!
T_T
Chumphrey.
Sucha poop.

ALEX, ALAINE, I RUFF YOU <3

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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170111 ♥ x

Usually i would have called you whilst i was on my way home..
But i cant call you anymore...
Usually id ask whether you were playing xbox, cos you so blatently were, and youd say no, cos youd lie to me T_T
Silly poo.
And then id say that id go to let you play, and youd say no, dont go.
I havent had that conversation with you for ages...
The monday after school one...
I miss it.
When are you gonna realise that our gap should be closed and that our gap was never a real gap, just a gap in our hearts?
Aishhhhhhhhh.

IM HUNGRY >:]
I WANT FOOD, LEE TAEMIN, BUY ME FOOD FROM KOREA AND BRING IT OVER ^^
GOMAWO <3

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

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16011 ♥ x

Well just allow my mum wanting to go back to HK already.
Its kinda cool now that shes back, usually i get annoyed LMAO
But now she wants to go back..
Kai, cool then.

Baby, where are you when i need you most?
You chose a good time didnt you? ><
Aishhhh.

But this isnt another ranty long ting blog, just wanted to get it out that she might be leaving soon again.

Over and OUTTTTTTTT

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160111 ♥ x

Mmm, crap, turns out, i havent blogged for nearly a year.
In these 9 months ive grown up a bit, experienced more, also learnt more (maths more than anything i swear to god T_T)
Ive fallen in love, ive had my heart broken and im using tumblr and blogspot again!
Even though its exam period... =s
But its a new start of the year, WOO 2011!
I hope everyone had an amazing new years eve and new years day and that 2011 has been running smoothly for the first 16 days!
Have i changed much since 2010?!



There is soooo much i needa blog about and get out of my system, omg, I LOVE YOU BLOGGG ^^

Sooo, main aspects of life, family, friends, school and love right?
We'll go through em :)

Family:
My mums came back for my birthday in December 2010
she was meant to arrive on the 18th, but allow cos of the snow and stuff, she didnt get back till the 20th..
She made it just in time for my 18th on the 21st ^^
Christmas with the rest of the family was great and its good to getta good catchup with them when you havent seen them for what feels like freaking lightyears.
Apart from Christmas, i didn't actually see my family all that much, but it was good enough for me :)



Sooo, im working at my dads takeaway now, which means, YAY nail polish, YAY hair not in a hat, YAY no uniform, YAYYY :)
Plus i get more money, better me making money from my dad than others right?
Thats what my mum keeps saying anyway haha.

Familys kinda annoying sometimes, you know when they pressure you about uni and all this stuff?
And then theyre like, youre not trying, like how the FUDGE would you know what im doing?!
ARGHH, dont piss me off T_T
Some major pissage offage.
ARGHH GRRR.
But meh, cant live with them, cant live without them!

Jjangg, thats my family, were a cool bunch huh? :)

Friends:
Soo, friends are pretty much the same since last year:

My Sma²rk~dw
They are still existent and we are very much still a group of friends who love each other bare.
I dont see them that much anymore, the last time i saw them was on NYE/NYD where we had lots and lots of fun ^^
Its so good knowing that you have a close group of friends who will always be there for you, despite the fact that you dont see each other all the time.




My besties from 11 years ago now, Kerry and Kirsty Liu, you will always be in my heart, from day 1 to however many days just over 11 years is.
Not a day has gone by where you havent been here for me, and for simply that, and much much more, i thank you and honestly love you an unbelievable amount from the bottom of my heart.

My best friend, Alaine Sung, even though shes a stubborn poo sometimes, and gets angry at me for the crappiest reasons, i still love her to pieces.
She has been here for me, through the thick and think for the past year now, and i cannot thank her enough times, even if i tried.
I just hope that i have been there for her, as much as she has for me, cos then that would show her just how much she means to me.
BestUH Chingu, i love you so much, thank you thank you thank you.

Alex Best; Say no more at just what an amazing person you are.
You are one of the strongest people i know, and even though it might be a front you put on because you want to seem strong, know that i am here for you no matter what, because i know that deep down, everyone can get upset at times.
Dont ever feel you cant talk to me about anything at all, because thats what im here for.

Rosie Knott~ Thank you, for being here whenever ive needed you and to always text me back whenever i need you.
You are so smart, and you know so much, im greatful to have met you and to know such a person like you.

To Xav Fung, you are one of the most amazing people i know, this isnt even a lie.
At times, sure, we get on each others nerves, but you are always, always here for me.
You can tell when im sad, even when we dont talk for like months on end.
Me and you and our periods of not talking T_T
You absolute poo, i blame you :)
But at the end of the day, i love you bare and thank you for all the memories, from the past, the present and hopefully, the future!

Carlos Salazar: Thank you.
For calling me whilst you could be sleeping to make sure im okai after ive burst into tears whilst calling you, and for talking to me about things to make sure im okai before i go to sleep.
A few months ago, during the summer, i swear to god, i would have had you killed.
LMAO, but thank you for being a good friend, it must be hard listening to me drone on and on about the countless issues i have had recently.
Sorry, and thank you, and i cant believe im about to say this, but i hope you find Suzy one day!

Craig Humphrey aka Chumphrey> AKA DOCTOR CRAIGGGG.
You are seriously like my councellor these days LMAO!
Thank you thank you, for enduring me in maths when im properly deflated and what not, always listening to my problems and all that jazz.

Josh Fry, You are such a nice person, thank you for comforting me this past week, even though youre not as close a friend as Kerry, Kirsty, Alaine, Alex, Rosie etc, i still think of you as an important person in my life, and thank you for being here.

So AS YOU CAN SEE, my friends are a pretty amazing lot.

School:
Its weird cos i swear ive never actually blogged about school before...
Well, going back to september 2009, i joined Heathside.
A year and a half later, i can honestly say that i feel like i fit in.
That im just part of people, you know?
Everyones really nice, and apart from those obvious annoying people, everythings great.
January exams are here, some are gone and some are still to come, its pretty hectic and stupid.
Exams are so dumb, they actually make me wanna die T_T
Like, wtf is the point in exams?!
APART FROM THE OBVIOUS?!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH
Stupid stupid stupid
But i mean, its been a good 1.5 years, nothing honestly bad has happened and lets say, minimal drama in the first year was GREATT ^^
Year 13 has been a lotta up and down...
Lets just say its gotten difficult recently...
Lets start with last year, saying that i got pretty crappy grades.
Putting that behind us, this year i obviously have to work hard.
I failed one subject completely, got a U, no guesses which subject that was, but il talk about that later.

This year, i started doing critical thinking whilst achieving U grades and now im nearly on an A grade... so fingers crossed...

Oh yeah, i failed maths last year...
LOLOL i got a U...
Seriously.
Im not even kidding, if you think im joking, think again.

Yeahhh, schools sucha poop sometimes, cant live with it, cant live without it!

So this year, im retaking maths which has gotten a lot better.
Its honestly a lot better second time round, i wasnt smart enough first time round to even remember half the stuff T_T
Now i actually understand shizzle and ive had my maths retake for C1 already.
I also retook my critical thinking paper 1...
Which i think went SHIATTTTTTTTT and i will have to see the retake ONCE AGAIN IN JUNE.
Freaking pooface.
Maths went well i think, but i couldnt have done it without my friends helping me, Kerry, Alaine and Toby.
Which leads me nicely onto...

Love:
Only one name needs to be said at this point..

Toby Chow.
One of the most amazing people you will ever meet.

Before the summer, I knew nothing and well, me and Alaine were crying BAREE on the last day.
God it was so saddddd, i felt like i was leaving a part of me behind, im not even exagerrating.
We cried so much on the last day when i was going to HK
I wasnt gonna see her for a month and omgggg, i was like, omgggg D=
I mean, we spoke on the phone EVERYDAY, for like hours on end, and now, itd be like, nothing.
After leaving school cos i had a plane to catch that night, toby texted me...
It made me happy and a smile appeared on my face, even though he was just telling me to have a good summer.
But at that point, i didnt think anything big of it because we were just friends you know?

During the summer, turns out he already liked me.
I had no freaking clue, and i remember blabbing on about Carlos to him.
My god that mustve sucked for him...
I can admit, cos even he knows this, that at that point, during the summer, i didnt have feelings for him as anything more than a friend.
I mean, i thought he was a cutie, sure he is, but wed text sometimes, and then sometimes we wouldnt really talk that much...
Coming back from HK after the summer, and having realised that me and Carlos were better off as friends, i realised that I had feelings for Toby.
I had missed him and it was weird, cos i didnt realise that i liked him o.O
I dont think he actually knew at first, but i think it got kinda obvious towards the middle...
He would always be there for me when i cried, whether it was over Carlos, or whether it was over uni or whether, it was about anything really.
We started talking more like friends, and less like acquaintances (however you spell that, i ceebs to google it)
I stole his red band (from his wrist, dont be dirty T_T)
And ive been wearing it ever since..

Anyways, so on Wednesday 22nd of September, 2010, we admitted to each other that we liked each other.
And from that day on, we were... well, we called it 'friends who liked each other' because honestly, thats what we were.
We were two friends who liked each other.
He didnt ask me out and i was willing to just, let that happen, maybe because i thought he was special, or maybe just cos i knew that he was new to this whole kinda 'thing' as you could call it.
Usually i hate being in something with a guy unofficially, it makes me feel really uneasy, but if he was happy that way, then i was willing to just go with it.
I think finding out that he liked me was one of the best things that happened to me during 2010, im not even gonna lie and im not gonna try and deny it, because he has become someone who i care about so much.

Friends had asked before whether i liked him, but id always deny it, saying how him and Alaine were cute, she says i used her as my excuse, i do love you Alaine Sung <3
At Fou's sleepover, we held hands for the first time, and i know that sounds really gay, but its like...
We connected...
Is that really cringey?
Sorry >< He meant so much to me, and when we held hands, we just fit you know?
And when we hugged, it felt like nobody else was there, even though Alaine would always turn up and give us her disgusted look, hahaha ^^
God this sounds so gay of me...
But whateverrrrr!

He became my everything and he made me feel like the most special girl in the world, like nobody else mattered and that i was important.
He wasnt perfect, i can admit that, but nobody is perfect and he was perfect for me, and everyday, i would like him more and more.
Sure, people say you cant love at this age, but ive felt it and i believe it can happen.
I grew to love him, for being him, and he would be on my mind, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and id always be missing him.
If i wasnt texting him, id be on msn to him and if i wasnt on msn to him, id be on the phone to him, and if i wasnt on the phone to him, id be seeing him, and if i wasnt seeing him, id be thinking of him, and id constantly be missing and loving him.
He was just such a big part of my life.
He told me we'd be together forever and that hed love me forever, and that hed keep my heart safe.
I believed him and i think, i honestly fell in love with him.
The texts he sent me would be so amazingly cute and I've still kept them, i never read them though, it hurts too much knowing that that's what we were.
But nevertheless, i keep them.
His red band is still on my wrist 24/7
Most of the time, i dont even realise i have it on, its just become like, a part of my wrist?
LOL, its like merged LMAOO
I never take it off, DONT WORRY, IT GETS WASHED IN THE SHOWER JEEZ T_T

At one point, my best friend felt neglected because of this, and honestly, it made me feel so bad, she meant and still means so so much to me.
Having my best friend feel like she wasnt loved enough because of a guy is such a horrible feeling.
I did NOT know what to do, i felt like such a shit best friend, how the fuck could i have let my best friend feel rejected because of a boy?
But then at one point i got really upset that she didnt understand that she would never come second to him, didnt she understand?
One day, i was in the common room and she sent me a text, one that made me wanna cry, i left the common room and i cried in the corridor, thinking noone would realise.
Toby walked out after me, to comfort me and to talk to me about it, i realised that he cared about my best friend, just as much as i did (but less) and he wanted us to be happy as friends too.
We talked and she grew to understand just how much i liked him, and i never meant it to be bros before hoes, because it is always gonna be hoes before bros.

On the 21st of December, it was my 18th birthday.
I hadnt seen him for 3 days...
And i swear you get drawbacks, LOL
But i opened what he gave me and its what i describe to be my scroll.
Lolol allow the nickname i give it ><
T_T It was something filled with love, emotions and everything else and i never knew i meant that much to him.
When youre with someone, you know they like you but you never realise just how much they like you, it was that feeling.
I remember reading it to Alaine, she was about to puke i swear, LMFAO, but to me, i cant even describe how it made me feel.
It was some unreal feeling.

The day after my birthday, it was the 22nd.
Thats 3 more 22nd's later and i knew that something was up, nothing big, but i knew that wed been texting less and i can say, it was my fault.
It was my fault for not texting him and my fault for being off with him, even if i didnt mean to be.
So needless to say, that it bought him to breaking my heart.
Monday 10th of January 2011, start of the year, i thought itd be a good year.
He wasnt talking to me, and i knew something was up.
Tuesday 11th of January 2011, the day he broke my heart.
He felt that there was a gap between us, that wed become distanced.
I cried, for 13 hours, over 2 days.
I have never cried over a boy this much before, god it was so bad.
I couldnt think how he couldve changed so fast, how he couldve just stopped loving me in such a short amount of time when he meant so so much to me.
Surely he didnt know just how much i liked him.
Did i not show it before?
So many freaking questions.

On Wednesday night, where we shoulve been all happy about our 16th week together, we spoke on msn.
I thought id break the ice and you know, just try to speak casually, turns out, it wasnt actually that bad so i thought, right, stats isnt gonna be that bad, wont be too awkward...
On Thursday, we had stats together, naturally, we sit next to each other...
Haaa, shouldve thought about that before, he didnt even look at me.
After the lesson, he walked off in a completely different direction and he wouldnt even say bye.
The lesson had ended early, so i sat outside the school gate and cried to myself whilst waiting for my friends.
Crying at school, thats something i havent done in a long time, but it happened, and i couldnt help it.
All that we had, gone down the drain in a matter of two days, i was so confused.
Thursday night, i wasnt crying anymore, i couldnt cry anymore, i had cried enough and honestly, i had nothing left to cry out, i was so freaking emotionally dehydrated i swear T_T
I spoke to him on msn and asked him all the questions i needed to ask.
He answered them and i think, that closure talk made me happier that we could at least be friends if not something more.
I thought id write him something, a letter where my feelings would just be spoken and that was my way of getting closure you know?
I always think that writing out your feelings is so much better than keeping them inside you.

Around that time, either Wednesday or Thursday, he tells me MaamaaChow is coming to England on the 22nd.
Lolol, ironic much?
He realises this too and we lol about it.
Its like a sign for us to be together, i swear to god.
But no, apparently this sign doesnt speak out to him T_T
Silly boy.

On Friday, we were okai, i think that talk kinda just made things a bit better between us, i was starting to think, i can handle this you know, i can ^^
So in the common room, our friend decides to be like, you guys are soo cutie together, i have to think of a name for you guys, awww.
Awkward turtle much...?
Jeeez ><
I put the letter in his bag and i expected him to read it when he got home..
After my lessons, we walked down the lane, with Craig and Jasmin.
As we were walking, he says that hes read it already.
It was so embarrassing, goddd.
But then i get home and he tells me on fb that hes read it another time.
Then he texts me and its all fine, till around 10 or 11pm, he tells me he has something on his mind.
Naturally i asked what was up and hes like, mm i dunno.
So im like, you wanna talk about it?
And hes like, mm i dunno
And im like, is it girl issues?
And hes like, mmm i dunno.
So im thinking crap my life, youve moved on already, but obviously i didnt say that, i didnt want him to feel bad..
Then i ask him if its someone i know, and hes like, i think its better that we dont talk about it, or something like that.
So im thinking, oh allow, its someone i know as well, but by this time, hes gone to sleep.

So Saturday, i wake up to a text saying, i promise i dont like anyone. its something else
So im like, okai, and i dont mention it much, until later in the day, he asks if i really wanna know what it is?
So im like, yeah sure, why not?
So he tells me that hes kinda regretting breaking my heart but hes not sure whether or not its something that he misses and will get over or something that he misses and needs back.
What am i meant to say to that?
How am i meant to respond and wait if i know hes just gonna end up getting over me?
I do not want my heart to be broken again, but like, this broke me again already because i knew that he will one day, just get over me, just like that *clicks*
He tells me that hes trying to revise but he cant and he cant concentrate on anything and that the only real thing hes doing is texting me...
So has he got my hopes up?
Pretty much, cos i overthink things quite a bit sometimes...
Then later tonight he tells me that i should just move on?
THE POOP?!
My mind is so messed up.
Honestly.

So Toby, just know that you were the first boy i properly loved, and even though you keep saying that i did make you happy, im sorry i didnt make you happy enough to stay, to keep loving me and to keep letting me love you.
You made me the happiest ive ever been, or at least for a long long while.
I dont think you realise just how amazing you made me feel, simply by just being you.
The amount of love i had for you, i dont think anyone could have measured, even if they tried.
Everything i said to you was meant from the bottom of my heart, and now, as im typing this, you are still on my mind.
You are one of the most genuine people i have ever met, and you are smart, caring, kind and loving.
Whoever has you in their lives are lucky and should appreciate the moments they get with you.
You gave me everything ive ever wanted, and you meant so much to me and you still do
Never forget what we had, even if what we could have, could potentially be even stronger.
I just wish youd see this and realise what a big fat mistake youve made.
Well to me its a big fat mistake, maybe not to you.
A big fat mistake because we could have become much much more.

Distancing happens, we didnt see each other for ages, of course were gonna feel distanced.
But i thought that after seeing each other, wed grow close again, that id get the chance to fall for you even more, and even though most people say that falling for someone is making yourself more vulnerable, i didnt care, because i liked you so much, that being vulnerable didnt even enter my mind.
I wanted for YOU to be happy, and for YOU to smile.
Usually, sticking to a routine gets to me, but since you became a part of it, youre the only part of the my routine that i didnt want to change, that i wanted to keep a part of my routine.
But you didnt want me anymore, and in a flash, you took everything that you had given me, out of my mind, out of my heart, out of my feelings, and out of me.
I dont hate you, not for the empty promises and words, or for hurting me, i could never hate you, we established this ages ago, but i just wish, you know?
Thank you for giving me so many feelings that i didnt think were possible, that i didnt know existed till i met and got to know you.
And i thank you for teaching me so much (not just in maths) and being the biggest part of my life for the past few months.
I miss it so much.
The gap between us couldve been fixed, but you didnt even try and even after you broke my heart, i was the one who was trying to at least let us be friends.
Gaps can decrease, sure they can increase, but surely if you loved someone, youd fight for what you had.
You broke me and you didnt even try to fix the gap...
You didnt give our gap a chance to close up after the holidays...
I wish you had... I still wish you had...

SO BLOGGIE, have you missed me?!
Thats pretty much my past 9 months summed up!
Aishh its been so long, im sleepy noww, its nearly 4am!
Ive been typing for so long without realising o.O

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

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Posted by : DeeBeeex

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