220313 ~ ♥

I miss TC sooo much today bloggy..
Its the 22nd and im at work, same as last months 22nd.
Except this month, it wouldve been our 2 and a half years ><"
2.5 years.. Damnn.. woulda been a long timee
It was totally a masterpiece till you tore it all up huh?
Why dyu go and tear it all up?
Last night i was tryna fall asleep and i kelt thinking about memories that we had..
Like the first time i went to Sheffield to see you and i was on the phone to AS cos you were running late you pooheadd!
And so i was on the phone to her telling her where i was and then i see you walking, well, more like jogging towards me.
You hadda massive smile on your face and i asked you why you were so happy, and you said that it was cos you were all smiley now that i was here.
And that time on bonfire nightt, when we went to watch the fireworks on those steps, and it was cold and windy, but we were both wrapped up all warm and snuggly and we were cuddling and it was the best feeling in the world.
And whenever wed walk together and youd just put out your hand to wait for me to hold it, and whenever id take the tiniest bit of time to hold your hand, youd make a sad face cos you thought i didnt wanna hold your hand.
Haaaa as iff, you silly poo, i loved holding hands with you you numptyy!
Then there was that time i fell asleep on your lap whilst we were watching a movie and you woke me up with kisses ^^
There were so many times where youd make my heart fly and skip beats just with the small things youd do.
And id do small things for you too, like that time i came to Sheffield to surprise you, evenn though you saw through my plan you bumfacee T_T
Remember the kisses we shared? When one of us would blow out and one of us would suck in and it would be our silly but cute kiss?
Those are the memories that i treasure, and yet.. Those are the memories that i wish i could forget because theyre the ones that hurt the most to remember, cos i wish i could keep making those memories with you.
I really, really wish that you wont share these memories with anyone else.
Im not saying dont make memories with anyone else, just please, please dont make the exact same ones..
I dont think i can handle you kissing other girls with the same cute kiss..
That was our kiss.. Our way of being together.. Our way of holding hands.. Our way of hanging out.. Our 'thing'.. It was me and you.. Theyre our memories.
Please dont take them away from me..
I wonder if you were with another girl, whether youd remember everything we used to do and not wanna do it with her cos they were our things..
I dunno.. I just keep remembering everything as 'our thing' and at this rate, im never gonna be able to like anyone else.. Because youre still the one whos stolen and locked away my heart.
What am i doing with my life? *cry*

I want my heart to be set free, i want it to get outta the cage, but it wont leave, its too weak to break free.
I needa miracle to make it strong again.. *sigh*
I wonder if you ever think about me.. Please say you do at least sometimes cos otherwise imma FOOL to think of you..
Even though it obviously cant be helped.. Stupid brain T_T
Its weird.. Whenever i think of the things we did.. Its like i did them with someone who i no longer know, its like a distant memory, and yet i remember it like it happened yesterday.
All these memories cloud my brain, but its like were strangers now, like we dont know each other.
I dont know how to describe it, i think its because we havent seen or talked to each other in so long, and its like whenver i think about how we used to be, its foggy.. And like its with someone i know, but on the other hand, i dont know as well..
I dunno ARGH, i seriously dunno how to put it into words!
I wonder if you feel like that when you think of us..
Or whether you think of us or me at all.. *sigh*

I hate being home for Easter..
Or long holidays..
It sucks cos there are gatherings and i wanna see everyone else but i dont wanna see you, cos i wont know what in the world to say to you, i wont know how to act around you, or even with you in the same room as me.
I know youll avoid me, even though this was all your fault, but if youre over me, then why are you avoiding me? ><"
Why arent we friends?
What have i done?
Please just tell me, cos i cant deal with this anymore.
Why do i feel like i need you in my life?
Ffs Daphne.. Youre so lame.
Its been 10 months and my hearts still so shattered that i dont even know where to start with piecing it all back together.
Tell me how to fix my heart.. Pleasee..
Just help me superglue it back together, im practically begging youu.

This song totally makes me think of you..
In fact, a lotta Lawson songs make me think of you, but this song in particular:

When He Was Mine - Lawson

Everywhere I go

Everything I do

Reminds me of you

Just a picture on the wall

I'm surrounded by it all

Gotta walk before I fall, yeah

Fall out, out on the street

Streetlight, light up for me

So far from where I used to be

When he was mine

Everything was easy

Everything was simple

Never felt so good

When he was mine

I wanted to remember

Never missed a second

Now I wish I could forget

Forget when he was mine, mine, yeah

When he was mine, mine, yeah

What I miss the most

Is talking up all night

We laughed until we cried

Now I'm breaking at the seams

Dropping to my knees

Nothing left of me, no

Like stone turned into dust

My heart wasn't enough

So far from where I used to be

When he was mine

Everything was easy

Everything was simple

Never felt so good

When he was mine

I wanted to remember

Never missed a second

Now I wish I could forget

Forget when he was mine, mine, yeah

When he was mine, mine, yeah

When he was mine

Wonder if he's out there

Wonder where he goes, he goes

Wonder what he's doing

Will I ever know, yeah

Everything was easy

Everything was simple

Never felt so good

When he was mine

I wanted to remember

Never missed a second

Now I wish I could forget

Forget when he was mine, mine, yeah

When he was mine, mine, yeah

I'm down on my knees

Gotta see him, gotta see him, gotta see him, yeah

I tried to forget

But I need him, but I need him, but I need him

I'm down on my knees

Gotta see him, gotta see him, gotta see him

I tried to forget

But I need him, but I need him, but I need him.

When he was mine.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTT

♥

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200313 ~ ♥

I wonder if TC's been on YT recently..
I wonder if hes heard Chester See's song..
Im listening to it right now, and I swear to God, hes put my words into song that I cant even get outta my mouth.
If TC ever hears this song, I wonder if hell think of me..
Haha probably not right bloggy?
But I think il share this song with you anyways because it is sucha beautiful songg :)

Who Am I To Stand In Your Way - Chester See

Forgive me

I may have said things

That aren't exactly 

The way that I feel

I told you I'd be strong

I told you I've moved on

But it doesn't take long

To realize

That I'm not over you

If there is somebody that makes you feel happy

Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking

Then who am I who am I to stand in your way

I know it sounds crazy

But I need you to trust me

If it's how it must be

Then I'll fade away

When it finally feels true

Do what you have to

Cause I'll never blame you

For not choosing me

But I'm not over you

If there is somebody that makes you feel happy

Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking

Then who am I who am I to stand in your 

Way that I feel is no longer your burden

If there is someone that makes you feel perfect

Then who am I who am I to stand in your way

Down the road someone will ask me if I know you

I'll pause for a moment I'll smile and say that I used to

Cause if there is somebody that makes you feel happy

Tends to your heart in the ways I'd been lacking

Then who am I who am I to stand in your 

Way that I feel is no longer your burden

If there is someone that makes you feel perfect

Then who am I who am I to stand in your way

Over and OUTTTTTTTTT

♥

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220213 ~ ♥

Im at work atm so this fonts gonna show up really grinm, il edit when i get home! ^^
My hands are pretty much frozen cos theyre numb with cold ><"
Its like -828389 degrees, i would say at least i have 3G tonight but tbh im so cold i can hardly use my phone D=

OMG A HOT GUY JUST WALKED IN ^^
Mmm loving life right noww, his eyesss!
But i look shit for work so thats not gonna happen..

I miss TC a lot today :/
Not even cos its the 22nd, cos i didnt realise till i looked at the calendar, but i just genuinely miss him a lot today.. Whic totally sucks cos i wish i didnt miss him..
I wonder if he ever thinks about me :/
He probably doesnt but a girl can dream rightt? ><"
I wonder if he thinks about me on the 22nd..
Or ever for that matter..

Omg bloggy, scary customer just walked in and hes staring at me funny and scarily and i dont like itt ><"
Anyways.. As i was sayingg..
I was thinking.. I used to put a smile on TCs face every time he gotta text from me.. And now.. I wonder if he has a new girl that does that, like, is there a new girl that managed to make him smile?
Eurghhh.. I cant even bear him having a new girl texting him.. How the heck am i gonna handle him making another girl smile? Or have him hold her hand? Or hug her? Or touch her? Or kiss her?
I cantt.. Even just thinking about it makes me feel physically sick.
I mean if just a picture pf him and a girl can make me cry then wtf am i supposed to do?
Imma frikkin broken soul *sigh*
Wtf is life mannn?!
Why wont my heart fix itself?
Why wont my mind just stop caring and just not care whether he touches another girl?
But i cant.. It just makes me feel ill thinking about him with another girl.
Fuck sakes bloggy, i hate my life..

Rightt, back to work cos my hands are literally so cold i can hardly type ><"

Over and OUTTTTTTTT

♥

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160213 ~ ♥

Na chincha pabojii.

What is life?

What is with the people in my life?

Wait, no, let me correct that, what is with the boys in my life? T_T

I asked you to be my late valentine as a joke the other day, and you went 'wait does that mean you want me to be your valentine or boyfriend? no mind games, yes or no?'

And you were proper serious..

Why do i play these jokes?

Well, i wouldnt call them jokes, but why do i say these things as a joke? T_T

Well, for starters, i guess i dont realise how serious you are about this stuff..

But you should know that its a joke, we always banter with each other..

I dont get it.. ><"

And then youre all 'i dont wanna be your rebound cos the night before i was crying over TC..

Then the conversation we had made it sound like you liked me..

And then i said that and you said 'i could say the same for you.'

And you were all 'we havent hung out for ages, we should meet up in london and see how things are' etc etc..

And then today..

Youve suddenly changed and gotten really scary ><"

I didnt even say i liked you?

I was just curious to see what your answer would be..

And then you spout some massive debate out and like say how were good as friends.

Then when i said good answer, you start apologising to me and saying sorry that you dont feel that way?

I never said i liked you, so why are you apologising? o.O

And then when i tell you i dont like you, youre like 'well obviously you do otherwise you wouldnt ask..'

Cant i just be curious?

And then youre all 'now youre tryna retract it to save face, that just shows that you dont like me all that much and just as well i didnt say yes'

Err.. i didnt say i liked you..

Then you say how we've been together before and i ended it so it wouldnt happen again.

LOL OMG, why are you making such a big deal out of one tiny measly question?

And you keep telling me that i still like TC?

Just because im not over him, doesnt mean i still like him, its like youre intent on convincing me that i still like him ><"

I dont understand.. You get so serious, and it scares me cos i never know where i stand with you..

Its like youre out to get me and wait for me to make my next 'mistake' when i talk to you..

You knoww, if you werent like this, id probably start to like you..

You can be sweet at times, and i feel safe and comfortable with you, but i cant like someone based on just feeling safe and comfy..

And it just seems like you cant trust me, not even as a friend..

Why is that?

Is it because i broke up with you before?

Is that why you keep bringing it back up?

Im sorry i broke up with you okai?

Well, im not sorry for doing it, but im sorry for the way i did it.

Im sorry that i did it for the wrong reasons..

Well, at least what you thought were the reasons.

If i ever told you the other reason, im pretty sure you'd get upset, and i dont want you to be hurt.

The fact that my feelings for you (whatever they may be) are only present when we talk proves that i don't actually like you, i think id call them, temporary feelings..

Seeing as i dont get them when im in a relationship either..

I dont really know how you explain those types of feelings o.O

Hmmmm.. LOL

Not like its a bad thing, its just that when we dont talk, which is a lot of the time, i dont have those feelings for you, in fact, i dont really remember you until you talk to me..

Or i see your name or someone brings you up..

Its not like i randomly think of you, we have been broken up for 5 years after all..

But its like youd never trust me if we ever did get back together, its like you wont believe that id ever like you again..

But then today yo were all 'you obviously do have feelings for me' when i dont..

So its like, are you up yourself but would never accept the fact that i like you again incase i hurt you again?

Is that what it is?

Eurgh i dont understand you..

I dont understand boys in general.

Fuck this, i hate boys, imma be a nun.

Over and OUTTTTTTTT

♥

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140213 ~ ♥

Dear bloggy, happy valentines day!
Or should i say, happy very sad day for me this year!

Sooo, last year, on this day, 11 minutes ago at 23:57, TC texted me saying good night, so theres me thinking he forgot about valentines day.
Low and behold, 7 minutes later, he texted me a valentines day text, asking if i thought hed forgot and that i shouldnt be silly cos he loved me and that he was thankful that id stayed with him even after all the crap hed put me through before.
Cant believe its been a year..
I was, THE happiest girl when i was with him bloggy..
And this year, i feel single af.
To be honest, im not doing too badly, im not crying over the fact that im single or anything haaa ^^
Its just that stuff like this makes me miss him, which really sucks right?
Cos he probably doesnt give a shit.
He probably acknowledges that its valentines day, and yet just doesnt give a crap and i probably havent crossed, and wont cross his mind once..
That sucks right?
And what sucks even more is, i care about that.
Like, it actually upsets me, when it shouldnt.
It really shouldnt.
I shouldnt let this affect me, i shouldnt even have him on my mind, and i should be thinking about what hes thinking..
But i do..
I am wondering what hes thinking, im wondering whether hes thinking about me, or whether hes thinking about someone else.
Eurgh.
And whats worse is im not even tired yet so i cant sleep this off T_T

I gotta try my hardest to just think of this as another day..
Its just another day Daps..
Just another day..

Well, thanks for putting up with me all these years bloggy, i really appreciate it :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTT

♥

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100213 ~ ♥

Happy Chinese New Year bloggy!
Welcome to the year of the snakeeee!
I hope you have a great year this year! ;D
And that your blog publishing skills are just as great! :)
快高长大! ^^

Ive had work for the past two nights at my uncles takeaway in Leatherhead..
I pretty much came home to work this weekend!
I have work tonight too, well yeah, tonight, seeing as its after midnight! ;D
I worked from 5-11 yesterday, and 4-10 today!
Rawr i am one exhasuted twenty year old chinese girl!
Then i go back to Bham on monday..
Waaaaa, i like being at homeee ><"

I forgot to tell you about thursday bloggy!
My daddy came to pick me up from the station seeing as i arrived back in London that day, and he was wearing a suit..
A SUIT! ^^
Ive only ever seen him wear a suit in videos of me as a baby, so im guessing he hasnt worn a suit for like 19 years?!
Cos he stopped working at 大三元 like close enough to just after i was born/1 year old!
I think that whenever i see him wearing a suit, its like im reliving the single most proud moment of my life!
I know that sounds really weird, cos surely your parents are meant to be proud of you right?
But i just feel so prouddd, that even at his age, hes achieving things.
Wanna see a picture of my daddy inna suit? =p

Ahahaha isnt he so cute?! ^^

But yeah, just thought id share this proud moment with you bloggy!

Needless to say,  youd think that whenever i think about this proud moment of mine, where i feel like a parent seeing my kid go off to school for the first time, it would mean that ive thought about TC less.

You would be, very wrong.
In fact, recently, ive thought about and started missing him more again.
When am i gonna get out of this ugly rut of mine?! T_T
I truly believe hes cast a stupid stinky boy spell on me thats got me hopelessly devoted to him, EURGH.
I wanna get these memories outta my head.
Please someone kill me.
I dont know how long i can carry on with these thoughts and feelings in my life.

Over and OUTTTTTTTT

♥

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250113 ~ ♥

FH added CT on fb today..
Whatttt, whyyy?
This just reminds me of that time TM added ST..
LOOL OMG, whats up with my white friends? T_T (Sorry for the racial thing, but its true, although FH isnt completely white..)
And i had this sudden urge to text you.
To text you and say 'OMG BEE! *** ADDED *** ON FACEBOOK! WHAT IS LIFEEE?!'
Buttt, i couldnt.
And just as i was about to, i stoped myself.
Because, well one, youre no longer my bee, two, we havent spoken in about 24894 years, and three, and most importantly, were not even friends.
And although i think i might still love you, its totally your fault.
But then why am i still not over you?
What the fuck is wrong with me?
I am so over tryna get over you, and the irony is, im still not fudging over you T_T
I dont understand my brain, i just want it to die.
I just want it to shrivel up and leave me alone, its just not working since you broke my heart ><"
Why did you tell me you loved me before you did it?
Please, i just want explanations and a reason.
Why lie to me?
If you didnt love me then why lie?
You did me no favours by lying.
Maybe the time for me to get over you will come soon, but until then, i feel like my hearts gonna die of heart palpitations or some shit soon.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTT

♥

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210113 ~ ♥

Even my own dad said to my mum that if TC came back to me, id go running to me.
No.
I dont think my dad understands how wrong he is this time.
Yeah its true, ive given him chances before, but this time he fucked up.
He fucked up badly.
He broke my heart and i dont know how long its even gonna take me to forgive him and get over him, let alone just let him fuck up my life again.
Nu uh, no happening, no way josé.

I gotta wake up at like 7:45 tomorrow :/
So imma go brush my teeth, get ready for bed etc whilst i watch a youtube video, and then imma read before i sleep ^^
Goodnight bloggy.

Over and OUTTTTTTT

♥

P.s. Happy 20+1 month to me! ^^

And i didnt even realise it was gonna be the 22nd until i looked at the date right now to double check if it was the 21st today..

And i used to remember way ahead of time!

But now that ive reminded myself, im gonna remember T_T

Great, i made myself go back to square one.

Good one Daphne.

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200113 ~ ♥

Im back in Bham now bloggy!
Its seriously cold outside.. As in like negative degrees cold..
Its meant to go down to -8 degrees in the next week..
This time last year i was with TC, and wed take turns going to each others, and wed snuggle up together and cuddle and watch movies.
These memories really hurt my fucking brain, and even more now because im all alone.
Why cant i bring myself to hate him?
And more importantly, why the hell am i not over him yet?
Even when he was sucha fucking dickhead.
For fuck sakes.
I bet youre fucking pleased with yourself.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTT

♥

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160113 ~ ♥

What do you do when you think your mum might be cheating on your dad?
Its not like i have proof or anything.. But like, i was suspicious of this ages ago, but then i kinda forgot about it and tbh, he didnt seem like he was with my mum or anything when i was in HK and around them..
But then hes always calling my mum when shes back in England, fair enough, whatever, friends talk on the phone right?
But then her HK mobile rang today..
And she was out, and i went to see who was calling her, and it said 'B'
So there i am feeling like something smells fishy, and then im like, 'maybe her friends called B'
THINK RATIONALLY OKAI DAPHNE?!
But then the home phone rings, and its her friend who i call 'Uncle Cloudy' (dont ask..)
And im just like, COINCIDENCE?!
I dunno what to think :/
When i asked her about it before, she told me nothing was going on, so fair enough, i doubt she would lie..
Eurgh, what do i doooo?
And more importantly, should i talk to my dad about it?
I dont think i should but its just like, EURGH, id want someone to tell me..
Although maybe he knows and is just choosing not to say anything.
Ottokae bloggy? :/

Btw, i just got home from the takeaway and i had to walk home..
It is currently like zero degrees, i was freezing my ass off at first, but then, as i carried on walking, i didnt feel cold, i kinda just felt numb.
Makes sense really, but i was also thinking about TC whilst walking home.
I think being in the cold and on my own always makes me think about stuff.
And i think this was the first time id walked on my own in the freezing cold since we broke up.
I was singing Vanessa Carlton's 'Thousand Miles' the whole way home hahah ^^"
And it just reminded me of him..
Why outta all songs did that song have to get stuck in my head? T_T
BOOOO YOU BRAIN!
But yeah, i guess its okai, i just do really miss him still..

Over and OUTTTTTTTT

♥

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150113 ~ ♥

Just bought THE most expensive birthday present for someone (apart from my parents), and im majorly trying to justify myself!
I am gonna be poor af this term..
But i am gonna be eating like nothing and saving money that way..
So i guess it works out?
SOMEONE JUSTIFY MY ACTIONS?!
Maybe i shouldve saved seeing as im going to HK twice this year.. o.O
But you know when you just wanna buy something nice for someone that you know theyre gonna love and so you just do it spontaneously?
YEAHHH I DID THAT!
Hashtag yolo with me somebody!

So i havent blogged about TC for a while bloggy, it seems like whenever i sit down to blog, all the stuff that im feeling throughout the day just doesnt come out onto 'paper'.. I dont really know why ><"
Like, i was thinking about us cuddling up in my Cosmo room the other day, and i really thought that i wouldnt think about stuff like that because hes never been in it before so inna way, theres nothing for me to remember!
Wrong, my imagination works well.. too well for my liking actually T_T
So, seeing as i dont have much to say about him right now, i guess i wont force myself to write about him, but il probably start blogging about him again soon, who am i kidding?
I have the ability the size of an atom to get over him.
What is my problem? T_T
More important, what the fuck is his problem? T_T

Im gonna watch Silver Linings soon! :)
I am very excited! :D

IM SO HUNGRY FML.

Right, im off to make some dinner and watch Silver Linings!
I will leave you with some song lyrics!

"Somebody That I Used To Know" - Gotye

Now and then I think of when we were togetherLike when you said you felt so happy you could dieI told myself that you were right for meBut felt so lonely in your companyBut that was love and it's an ache I still remember

You can get addicted to a certain kinda sadnessLike resignation to the end, always the endSo when we found that we could not make senseWell you said that we would still be friendsBut I'll admit that I was glad that it was over

But you didn't have to cut me offMake it like it never happened and that we were nothingI don't even need your love, but you treat me like a strangerAnd that feels so rough

No, you didn't have to stoop so lowHave your friends collect your recordsAnd then change your numberGuess that I don't need that thoughNow you're just somebody that I used to know

Now you're just somebody that I used to knowNow you're just somebody that I used to know

Now and then I think of all the times you screwed me overBut had me believin it was always something that I'd doneBut I don't wanna live that wayReading into every word you sayYou said that you could let it goAnd I wouldn't catch you hung up on somebody that you used to know-oh-oh

But you didn't have cut me offMake it like it never happened and that we were nothing (oh)I don't even need your love, but you treat me like a strangerand that feels so rough

(oh)

No, you didn't have to stoop so lowHave your friends collect you recordsAnd then change your number (oh)Guess that I don't need that thoughNow you're just somebody that I used to know

Somebody that I used to knowSomebody (now your just somebody that I used to know)That I used to knowSomebody that I used to knowSomebody (somebody) (now your just somebody that I used to know)That I used to know

I used to knowThat I used to knowI used to knowSomebody
Except i never felt lonely in your company and you didnt even say you wanted to be friends.You just cut me off.I guess everything wasnt as perfect as you said it was.Now youve just left me with paintful memories..
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥

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