290811 ♥ x

MY GOD, I CANT BELIEVE MY UNI COURSE STARTS IN THREE WEEKS.
OHMYBUDDHAAAAAAAA!
Uber excited/nervous/whatever feelings can be felt.

Eurghhhhh.
Just now, i told AS that whenever she tells me that ive ditched SHINee for TC, it actually upsets me.
And i think now, shes upset with me...
Which is really awks cos i was just tryna be honest.
Like, it honestly does hurt.
Its happened a few times now, where ive felt so shit for "ditching" SHINee.
Like, thats not even the main thing, i just dont want her to hate me over something she thinks ive done.
Like, she keeps apologsing.
I dont want her to, i just want her to not like hate me.
It feels like she dislikes me for it but wont say it directly and just says that to get it out.
But its not even the case, i still like jizz over them, i just dont talk about it as much.
And now i feel really crap cos it feels like ive upset her, but i was honestly just tryna be honest with her.
Like, i dunno, but now i feel crap.

I should just shut my mouth.
Skeen.
I will never talk again in my life T_T
What is wrong with me?
This isnt what friends do.
But then, i cant help how i feel and i actually get upset by it.
Eurghhh alloww lifeeeeee.
Now shes not responding.
Oh nooo, this is the worst ><"

Talking of this is the worst, i think EY is a gay.
He doesnt even realise how amazing she is and hes just a gay.
He bare like talks to her sometimes, then doesnt talk to her sometimes, then makes it feel like he likes her, then doesnt.
Then like, WHAT DOES HE WANT?!
Eurghh, i am mad at him.

Someone else im mad at?
My mother.
My god.
I cried so much today.
Shes practically forcing me to go ask Brunel if i can still go.
EVEN THOUGH I TOLD HER I DONT WANNA GO OHMYGOD.
I told her i wanna go Bham.
But apparently she doesnt get it.
I cant take this stress mann!
Now she wants me to go to Brunel and talk to them personally?
Is she FORREALLL?!

Mmm...
But good things;

I HAD NANDOS TODAY ^^
That made me happy.
SOMETHING ELSE?!
DADDY GAVE ME CAKE.
It was his birthday yesterday, so he had loads of cake!

Ummm...
Then OH YEAH
I told my mum about me and TC last night, and she was completely fine with it o.O
Like, she talked to me about being careful and stuff, but shes completely fine and is letting him come over and stay over?
I was like, wow, who are you and what have you done with my mum?
But hehh, im happy ^^

I UPDATED THE PICTURES AND MUSIC ON MY PHONE SO YAY MEEE ^^
So i have a new background now so its all good in the hood :)

OH YEAH
Ive finished writing letters for 2KL, AB, AS, RK already :)
Ive just gotta write TC's now.
Im also thinking of starting on their presents because im lame but im just cool like that at the same time ^^

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

280611 ♥ x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDYYY <3
I love you forever and ever and ever ^^
I hope you had an amazing day today and allow you having work :(
SUN TAI GEEN HONG AHHHH! <3 <3

Its a frigging weird life this.
The past few days have been weird.

So on Friday, TC had his theory test, sooo, i woke up bright and early to go meet him in Kingston.
I was sat in Maccys on my onesies whatsapp'ing ST and waiting for him with 2 hashbrowns LMFAO ^^
Then we shopped for a while and i chose tshirts for him for uni :)
I have impeccable taste (how dyu even spell impeccable?)
Anyways, then we went back home and watched Hercules cos hes a loser <3
Hes honestly a loser =p
An 18 year old boy wanting to watch Hercules, its cute though :)
Then it rained, and we kissed in the rain cos were just cool like that ^^
It was the best!
Bleh then i had work after that, and it was quite busy i guess, couldve been better thoughh.

Thennn Saturday...
I did nothing
LOL
Imma frigging loser.
I sat at home all day drama'ing till work ^^
Then after work, i drama'd more!
Then after midnight, it was daddys birthday.
YEAHYEAHYEAH!
So we cut a cake, and i gave him his card and present :)
Then we drama'd together till 5am..
LMFAOO
EVEN THOUGH WE HAD TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10! D=
Then at like, 7am, the doorbell kept ringing T_T
And i thought it was a dream at first LMAO!
Then it kept going and i was like, wtfff?!
So i went to open the door and its my mum?
I WAS LIKE, THE HELLLLL?!
And i was like, dad, mums home?
Then she kept talking to me...
Whilst i was tryna go back to bed?
And im like.. THE FUCK BRUV?!
Eurgh, got well pissed T_T
Then my dad woke up and was like, i had a strange dream that you told me mum was home!
And i was like... it wasnt a dream, shes actually home..
And hes like whut?
I was like, go look in my room...
AWKS LMFAOOOOO <3

Then we went out to yum cha and had haagen dazs after ^^
YUMYUMYUM.
OH THEN I GOT HOME AND FINISHED AUTUMN CONCERTO.
It was amazingg and the kid is actually the cutest!
And the girls so pretty, and the guys do'able at some angles LMAO :)

I told TC that my mum came home this morning and i think he got a bit worried..
I dunno, hes been kinda quiet tonight, i guess people have their days right?
He says everythings okai, but i think hes kinda worried that my mums home.
Im worried that my mums home.
Like on one hand, im glad she came home cos im like, its my mum.
But then on the other hand, cos she doesnt know about TC, it means that he cant come over and stuff, and its just awks.
It makes life so much more difficult.
And like, whereas my dads so cool with this stuff, my mum is like, the complete opposite, so its like, the WORST.
But i dont even care, im still gonna see TC.
We go to uni soon, so i gotta see him as much as possible before we leave.
Eurgh, this sucks so much.
What am i gonna dooo? :(
*Cries*
Meh, well figure something out.
I hate how hes gone all quiet :(
It makes me feel really uncomfortable.
Its the worst :'(

Probably gonna tell my mum about TC tonight though, wish me luck.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

2240811 ♥ x

Currently 02:48am...
What am i still doing up?
I am tired as, which is weird cos i napped from 8 - 10pm...
I bare ate dinner at like midnight LOL! ><

Me and TC hardly texted much today, we were both busy.
I missed him but he seemed a bit distant today.
But he has days like that, so i guess its okai.
Its just a feeling i have.
Sometimes, it seems like hes happier with me when we dont have a title on us..
Maybe he hates the pressure.
Well i know for sure he hates the pressure and criticism.
Everyone has their reasons.
Well.. tomorrows a new day!

I honestly miss him mega amounts, but i saw him like, 2 days ago.
Maybe i should get used to it and think of it as practice for uni.
Aish what am i gonna do?
Ottokaeyoooo? :(

Mmm..
Im tired, gotta sleep soon, just a small post today ^^
Il leave you with something:



Omnomnomnom :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

230811 ♥ x

Ohmygod.
My mum is driving me crazy.
Its past 2am..
She calls...
She starts saying how the uni im going to is shit.
How its not high enough in the league tables.
How me being happy there doesnt matter if im not gonna get a job.
Eurghhh, its pissing me off to another level which i didnt even know existed.

She keeps saying how shes gonna come back to England at the end of the month.
I dont want her to come back till i leave for uni.
Honestly, whats the point?
Shes like, i gotta teach you what to pack...
Do i look like a 2 year old to you?
IVE GOT A FUCKING LIST FOR FUCKS SAKE.

And then im like, mum, its 2am in the morning and youre talking to me about this, why dyu even call this late.
And shes like, i knew you came back from going out..
I was like, that doesnt mean im still awake.
And she was like, but you are.
Im like, what if i was asleep, then you wouldve woken me up with some next ringing of the phone AT TWO FUCKING AM.
ARE YOU FORREAL?!
MY GOD, I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.
I CANT DEAL WITH THIS.
CALLING AT 2AM, PROBABLY DISRUPTING MY DADS SLEEP AND THEN CHATTING ALL THE CRAP TO ME ABOUT MY UNI.
I CANT DEAL WITH THIS.

Then i was like, i cant deal with this.
And shes like, why are you getting so angry for?
AND IM LIKE, COS YOU THINK THAT HAVING A GOOD JOB IS EVERYTHING.
Honestly, she was like, whats the point in being happy when you have no money.
I DUNNO, I DONT WANNA BE FUCKING RICH AND BE DEPRESSED THOUGH.
SKEEEEEEEEEEN.
I WASNT EVEN GETTING MAD AT HER?!
I was properly calm and just like, tbh, why are you coming back so early and why are you calling so late?
IT WAS JUST A QUESTION MAN.
And shes like, you cant change my mind, im coming back.
And im just like, you know what yeah, youve gone for so fucking long, you might as well just fucking stay there.
I just want my dad to take me to uni and thats it.
WHATS THE POINT IN COMING BACK WHEN IM LEAVING?!
HOW ABOUT GO AWAY.

And shes like, you havent called me back in the past 2 days lalala.
And im like... I HAVE A LIFE.
IF YOU WANTED TO TALK TO ME SO MUCH THEN YOU SHOULDNT HAVE LEFT THEN SHOULD YOU?!
NO!
So shush.
Eurgh i am majorly pissed off.
I needa cry it all out.
Why is she sucha horrible person sometimes?
GHsiopabgaobgoabgoa.
CEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEBS.
BED TIME <3
Laptop shopping tomorrow with daddy and uncle hopefully :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

220811 ♥ x

Ohmylife, actually havent blogged in like, YEARS.
Honestly, its like i havent let out my feelings for TOO long.
Its weird though, its like, too much to blog out and i ceebs to blog it.
A lot happened during HK and a lot has happened since HK.

I should probably start on HK...
Same old HK, cheap cheap cheap ^^
Hot weather, good food, good shopping, pervy men, SAME OLD
IT REACHED 37 DEGREES
Sorry but how is that even possible?
But oh well, i guess i should be freaking used to it by now after going back every year!
Blogspot DIDNT work over there...
It was the worst.
It worked once..
Outta the whole 6 weeks..
OML it was so bad ><

ANYWAYS, i met a boy, JW.
Yeahhh, ive mentioned him in the post before.
But im most probably gonna skim over this subject very, VERY, and i mean, VERRYYYY briefly.
He was a nice guy :)
And im glad i met a friend like him.

It was good to spend time with my mama ^^
SPENT SIX FRIGGING WEEKS WITH AS, it was really too much >:]
Saw KL's hardly any times!
Theyre always with family, buts its cute :)
Saw IS a lot thoughh!
It was the best.
I went to SHEK OH with them...
And can i just say, i got burnt like a lobster.
At first, my mum put masses of sun cream on me, and i was like, IM NOT GONNA GET A TANNNNN!
Then i got home and literally i was a lobster.
Then as the days passed i got darker, and i started to peel, and yeahh, now i have the most obvious tan lines ever.
Its like my boobs are half black, half white :D

I WENT TO SEE RAYMOND LAM WITH KL.
OHMYGOD.
IM NOT EVEN JOKING.
RAYMOND FRIGGING LAMMM.
We were TOO excited and haps.
It was honestly the best.
Ive never seen KL so like crazy hehehehe :)
It was so good! ^^
But yeah, HK was great once again, when is it not?! :D

Mmm...
Back in England, i honestly had so much to fucking deal with.
Turns out TC read my emails to AW or RK, either one, about JW.
It was the WORST.
Im not even kidding.
During HK, i emailed TC happy birthday, not expecting a reply.
Well, he replied.
And i thought, im not gonna reply, he told me to get over him and thats what imma do.
Well anyways, one day, TC starts saying really horrible stuff about JW.
ARGH JIZZ MY DAD JUST GAVE ME FERRERO ROCHER PROFITEROLES <3
AND HES GIVEN ME NOODLES.
MMMM OMNOMNOMNOMOMONMNOM ^^

Anyways...
Food seriously distracts me, honestly, it gets me every timeee!

Mmm...
Yeah so then we talked about shit, as in me and TC and he said he still likes me..
At that point, it was really hard to know whether to believe it or not.
Like, its happened twice now, surely its gonna happen again.
Well then he came over after i got back from HK
And we talked and i cried, and yeahh...

ANYWAYS, then results came...!
And most of us got where we wanted to go :)
Im so proud of all my friends, theyre honestly the best.
I know that wherever they go and whatever they do in the future, theyll do it to their full potential.
And i just hope that they wont forget me.
All the unis that were going to are really spread out.

Theres KL whos like, in Southampton.
Then a bit norther is JF in good old Kingston.
Then up a bit and WP is in Brunel.
Then theres AB in Loughborough.
And a bit norther its me in Birmingham.
Then even norther its MH in Keele.
Even norther is TC in Sheffield.
Tiny bit up is AS in Hull.
And then theres RK whos just all the way up north in Newcastle!
Were so spread across the UK, we could take a summer and do like a round trip of England! ^^

But yeah, now me and TC are us again.
I dunno, its weird, every time it seems different.
But i told him if he fucks up this time, then theres no going back.
I told him that if he messes up, there wont be another chance for him and he can fucking stay single for the rest of his life.
And that if hes playing me, then il kill him.

And whats odd is, we became us on the 22nd again..
SOMETHINGS WITH US AND THE 22nd.
But this time round, were less on it.
Were just kinda calm and cool about it.
And seeing as were going to uni soon..
It seems like its gonna be really hard.
But he told me this morning that he thinks that we can do it, that he thinks it can work.
I really wanna trust him and be able to have him trust me back.
And i really do want this to work.
And i know he feels the same way.
Its gonna be difficult, were gonna be like, an hours train journey away.
But were gonna try, and well be okai.
Were gonna try our hardest to be us <3
Absence makes the heart grow fonder right? ^^
Of course i have my worries, its not gonna be easy, but if you want something to work, you gotta work for it.
Im not even lying.

MMM...
I went to LDN today to meet MT, RO and WP.
I love my girlies <3
I went to Abercrombie to buy some jumpers and stuff for uni :)
Talking of uni, we were sat in Costa for like, 1941794 years and we were talking about it.
And cos me and WP are going to uni this year whilst MT and RO are just going to start year 12 in September, there was a lot to talk about :)
We honestly just sat there and just chatted for ages, it felt good to have a catch up with them ^^
Not like, a proper catch up about our own separate lives and stuff, but like, we were just talking for ages!
It was like, about education!
The two younger ones are so cute, its like, even though theyre still young, theyre already thinking about uni and how like, theyre so excited for us.
And when theres holidays, theyre gonna come stay with me in my room cos at uni we dont get half term! ><
But like, talking about it made me all excited!
Im like, so, so excited for it, but im also shitting myself and completely utterly nervous about it because obviously its a massive change.
Im not gonna be living at home anymore...
Whilst for the past 3 years ive had dinner on my own practically every night, and ive had to take up the responsibilities that my mum should have cos she went to HK for so long, its gonna be so weird being with people every day...
Every day il wake up and be with my friends.
Il go to lectures and seminars with my friends.
Il be hanging out with my friends after lessons.
And then il be with my friends up to the moment i sleep.
Mmm.. Im nervous because im scared i wont be able to make new friends, THANK GOD I HAVE CT, KY and KC coming to BHAM CITY with meee! :D
Im so, so excited to be with them :)
CANT WAIT TO SPEND GIRL TIME WITH CT! ^^
I wish MC wouldve applied to BHAM CITY tooo!

Talking of BHAM city, i went with my dad and uncle the other day.
Bloody hell, the drive there made my bum so freaking numb!
I was just like, oh my buddha, owwww.
It took like 2 hours.
But getting there it made me excited.
I mean the campus isnt amazing and its quite old in places, but nevertheless, being there like hit me and i was like, im actually going to uni..
Im gona be honest, i am gonna miss my daddy like crazy.
And im worried about him cos tbh, hes not getting any younger.
Hes turning 70 this Sunday...
Its a big birthday.
But im sure hell be fine :) <3

But yeah its hit me that im going to uni.
The past like, 4 years (thats when you start thinking about uni tbh) has gone SO quickly.
And suddenly now, im 18 and off to uni.
I honestly cant believe it.
Its like hit me but not properly, as in it still hasnt sunk in properly.
I think by like 2 weeks time, il be like OMGG!
Then when im packing, il be like this is it...!

My mums coming back at the end of this month, im not really sure how i feel about it.
I guess its good cos then it means that she can clean the house and shit whilst im not at home so my dad doesnt have to do it
But i dunnoes, its weird.
Its like, whats the point in coming back now when im going to uni and you wont see me anyways...
Its like, completely pointless.
But whatever makes her happy tbh, i ceebs.

RAWR IM SO TIRED ><
I blogged quite a bit tonight.
NIGHTNIGHTBABIES <3

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

100711 ♥ x

Okai, so now the text stuff is working properly.

Maybe cos im at someone elses house.

Im at my cousins house and im using her internet.

Which means mines fucked up :/

This week so far in HK has been fairly enjoyable.

Ive spent about 200 pounds?

So in all fairness, its not that bad!

Cos last year i spent masses more!

I havent blow dryed my hair yet ><"

Maybe i should do that soon, were sleeping already.

Weather here is not amiable.

LMAO im so posh >:]

No but seriously, its so hot.

Nothing less than 30 and its nearly been 40 on two occasions.

Its seriously humid and stuffy and just kinda sucks in general.

Ive bought lots of clothes and food, im so fat.

Although my mums making me go on some diet and im not allowed to eat bare

Having said that, i dont usually eat a lot on holidays either.

And shes making me stand up straight all the time cos i have shat posture.

Meh.

Ive met a new guy whos sweet :)

Were just friends though and yeah, its nice to have met people though.

AC and NH are back.

Havent seen them yet though.

Seeing AC soon though! :D

Miss that big kid <3

I really miss TC.

Like unreal amounts, but thats too late now and i shouldnt even be missing him.

Its so difficult though, its honestly really really hard and i hate it.

I think its one of the hardest things ive had to do, letting him go.

I just keep comparing everything to him and its just massively gay and sucks bare.

My life feels so incomplete without him right now.

Its his birthday today and ive wished him a happy birthday already.

I hope he has a great day, im 7 hours ahead of him so yeah.

Havent talked to him since i got here and it feels really weird.

Like, we spoke 24 hours a day practically, and now, we havent spoken for a week.

But ive inboxed him an early birthday message and ive wished him a real happy birthday.

I do hope he has a great day despite everything weve been through and i hope everythings going okai for him.

He still means a lot to me, its so fucking hard.

Double KL are here soon, soon being like, 2 weeks?

I BETTER SEE THEM MASSIVE AMOUNTS OR IMMA KILL EM ^^

JW (OMG THAT MAKES JACK WILLS)

Anyways, JW is the guy ive met.

He lives in the same village as me (LMAO THE ONLY GAY IN THE VILLAGE)

And yeahh, hes cute and hes hot and yeah.

But meh, its weird and complicated and yeah.

But i dont really wanna talk about that bloggy, its too awks for me to talk about!

Imma sleep now, i probably wont blog again but its good for me to have talked about my past week ish!

Nightttt!

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

280611 ♥ x

i miss watching friends with you :(
i feel so empty.
like the best part of me has disappeared.
why cant i be a bitch and just hate you?
i wanna hate you and be like, i hate him.
but i cant, im just not that person and i cant hate you.
all i can do is miss you.
when we hugged today, i just never wanted to let go and i never wanted you to let me go.
i was trying to comfort you when i was the one who needed comforting.
putting on a brave face is so freaking hard.
the last thing that i wanted was for you to see me cry over you.
all i could do was say: "hey, smile, its gonna be okai," cos you looked so sad, when in fact, all i wanted was to break down and ask you to not let go.
to ask you to not let something this good go.
to ask you to not let me go.
but i couldnt ask that, im not that type of person.
i cant make you stay.
i read a text from you today when i asked what you wouldve been like if i had gotten with someone new in the time that we werent together the first time.
you told me that youd be a bit happy that id moved on.
i cant help but think that theres more to this and that theres a reason for this.
but i cant think like that, and i dont wanna hope.
i dont wanna get disappointed again.
i never thought wed get together again after the first time.
i stopped hoping.
so this time, im doing the same.
because it felt a lot better.
disappointment makes me sad, and i dont wanna be sad.
i needed you, i really did.
but i get that you dont need me anymore, so i have to accept that.
i really thought you were the one and you told me that i was the one for you.
but you said that all good things come to an end.
its weird, its happened once, its happened twice, yet i dont hate you at all.
i couldnt ever hate you, even if i tried.
it doesnt seem that weird you not texting me 24 hours a day, cos its like, i got used to it over the past month.
i honestly got over it, but you know what?
i will honestly miss my goodnight texts, and all those cute things you say to me.
just typing this is making me cry and just want you here.
but i have to stop wishing you were here.
this time, in a way, i fell so much deeper for you, because we were a lot closer and a lot stronger.
but apparently we werent strong enough.
but i just want you to be happy, because you are so special to me.
and you mean so much more to me than you will ever know.
im sorry that i wasnt good enough for you, and im sorry that in the end, i couldnt keep you.
i wish that i could.
you dont know this, but i would do anything for you to stay mine.
i would do anything for things to go back to how they were before.
but i cant change and neither can you.
i hope everythings good for you now that im not there anymore.
and i hope that youll be the happy toby that i know.
because when youre happy, so am i.
you told me that my smiles the best smile imaginable.
and to me, your smile was part of my everything, and it was truly something that i missed and looked forward to every single second of the day.

im so stupid.
i just printed out all the texts i saved from him to put into the jar of stuff.
and i stupidly started to read them.
im now crying stupidly.
stupid, stupid, stupid.
he counted down the minutes till he saw me.
i was an amazing and perfect girlfriend.
he wanted to fall asleep with me next to him with his arm wrapped around me.
when he was busy, he wondered why we werent together.
i lit up the room and he really really liked me.

why did everything just stop?
why did everything get taken away?
he said that our relationship had gotten to the best it could.
i think he meant that we hit a wall.
we couldve gotten past it together.
but its too late now.
hes made his decision and i have to respect that.

im gonna miss you baby.
really i am.

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

200611 ♥ x

Umm, bit of a shit day today.
To cut it short, TC told me that he doesnt know whether he likes me anymore.
How can you not know whether you like someone anymore?
Thing is, i dont think that he means that, and i honestly do think well get through it.
I think everythings gotten on top of him a bit and hes a bit lost in thought.

I also think that hes scared of committment.
Maybe he feels like were too atttached to each other and hes getting a bit freaked out without knowing.
But i just want us to be happy together, you know? :)
Thing is, i asked him if everything was okai, and he told me nothing was up and he said no lies.
But 2 hours later, hes telling me that he doesnt know whether he likes me anymore?
Mehhh, i dunnoes.

I dont really wanna distract him anymore, i just want him to do well in physics.
Ive tried to be as encouraging as i can, i havent changed who i am at all.
Ive been the same person whos constantly there for him.
And i havent lied about my feelings one bit.

I keep crying, then i stop crying and feel okai, then i cry again.
Whats wrong with me? T_T
Tbh, i just want him to be happy, and i thought i was making him happy...
But maybe i was wrong.
Did i not make him happy?
We always talked about how special our relationship was, and how amazing and perfect the other was, and i never lied.
It was how i truly felt.
Its how i truly feel.
Im gving him time now, to just concentrate and get these two important exams aced.
Hes gonna do well, i know it :)
I want everything to be okai, like last time, how he was indecisive about us being together again, how he didnt know whether he liked me.
But look where it got us, it got us being stronger and it got us to a point where we grew so close.
He can be indecisive, but if he looks at it properly, i know hell make the right decision.
He kissed me today, how can you just kiss someone that you dont like?
Maybe im trying too hard.
Maybe i should try less.
I dunno...
But i do have a feeling its gonna be okai, because were stronger than that, and what couple doesnt go through these issues?
All couples hit rough patches, but they get through them.
I think weve just hit one of those rough patches.
Where he doesnt know what hes thinking, but im not 100% sure.
He didnt text me goodnight tonight, its like 5 months ago all over again.
Its meant to be our 3rd monthiversary the day after tomorrow, but meh.
Maybe hell realise before then that we have something special, its not like he doesnt know already :)
If you like someone, you dont give up, and if you feel like you dont know whether you like someone, you dont give up.
And even so, even if you dont like someone anymore, if you have something special, you dont give up.
Its not what you do.

Today, i was like "2 days!"
I was really excited, and he forgot what i was talking about.
And then he realised...
Maybe i got too excited, maybe i care too much.

Ahhh, baby, just know that we have something special.
I didnt wanna text and be all soppy, because i know that would just make you feel bad.
I dont want you to feel bad.
I just want you to know that just because weve hit a bump on the road, it doesnt mean that its really bad.
Its weird, right now, im not crying, im actually quite calm.
Im sleeping soon, so il probably cry more, but right now, im okais i guess.
Its a pretty big bump, but i think well get over it :)
And i think we can be even stronger than before, because thats who we are.
We get stronger after every rough patch we go through :)
And if you look deep into this, you know that we have something good.
And you know just as well as i do that our feelings for each other are too strong to deny.
Just think about it, and youll see :)
Even with your chinese eyes ^^ <3
My sirry baby, well be okai!
We just gotta get through this, hehe ^^

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

190611 ♥ x

MH came over today to revise business.
I know my case studies, so hopefully, everything will be okai.

Today, im feeling pretty down.
I didnt cry in so many days, and now, im just like crying.
I feel so freaking lonely.
For no reason.
Its like im falling apart.
For no reason.
Eurgh.
I dont even know how to describe it.
Its like, i have this stone on my heart which i cant get out and its just resting there.
It doesnt hurt, but somethings not right.
TC's been pretty busy recently.
Today, i think i got less than 10 texts all together.
I know i shouldnt expect anything more, but its human nature for a girlfriend to want her boyfriend to talk to her.
Having said that, i dont really expect him to talk to me lots right now cos he has some pretty big exams coming up.
I dont really expect much atm.
But it feels good to feel loved.

I kinda want my dad to come home early from work, just so i can just cry to him.
Obviously, me and TC are still strong, and were still us.
Dont get me wrong :)
Im feeling pretty emotional today, its like its all getting on top of me again.
It shouldnt, its my last exam tomorrow.
I should be freaking estatically happy.
But im not all that excited.
Im not all that "WOOO!"

My boyfriends pretty confident with his maths exams, i know hes gonna do well.
Cant wait for him to tell me he aced it after his exams over :)
It makes me feel so selfish, wanting to be with him, when his exas are so important.
I.feel.so.freaking.selfish.
It must be hard for him, all these difficult subjects and having to ace those exams.
Arghhh... i cant get my feelings out.
I dunno why.
Seriously, that rock is not budging, EURGH.
I just want it to move the fedge away.
Just GET LOST.

I know hes the one for me, and i know im the one for him, and i just gotta wait it out a bit longer.
But how long is longer? :(

Tomorrow, his C4 exams in the morning, meaning hell be leaving school straight after his exam to revise physics.
My exams not till the afternoon, but il be there bright and early to revise.
But i doubt hell see me.
Hes pretty busy.
Maybe after his physics exam on tuesday, he can see me :)
Cos his next ones not till Monday.
Maybe if im lucky..
If i had a choice, wed be together everyday :)
He told me that he wanted to just be with me forever, and if were lucky, thats the way its gonna be :)
Now and forever <3
So i guess i just needa stop being so emotional, meh.
I think i just needed to get this off my chest :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

180611 ♥ x

Havent blogged in whats felt like forever.
Too much has happened.
Too much crap.
I cant even remember the date off the top of my head =s
I had to look at the calendar...
I MEAN COME ON.
My heads a mess, i cant think straight.
I cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant focus, fedge this!
Every time i set my mind to do something, i end up doing something else, like, blogging, or tumblring, or crying.
Cryings become pretty big on my list recently.
Especially these 2 weeks.
Ive been on the computer so little that i can no longer type as fast as i used to and i get more typos!
What is this atrocity?! T_T

School issues.
Boy issues.
Friend issues.
Family issues.

Lets start with fmaily issues, just cos thats like shortest.
S'not really an issue, BUT I FREAKING SLEPT ON THE FLOOR FOR LIKE 2 WEEKS COS OF MY DADS FRIENDS.
Okai, its not actually too bad sleeping on the floor, BUT STILL.
I was lying on the floor and my dads on my bed cos his friends have taken his bed, and his hand comes whacking into my face...
ERRR.. OWWWW T_T
These few weeks, i havent washed the dishes much, or done much housework in comparison to before
But my dad doesnt get that i have issues too.
My life cant revolve around housework.
Fedge meeee!
So i dont do housework for like, 2 weeks, SUE ME WHY DONT YOU?!
I have so many friends who dont freaking do housework, AT ALL.
So why you getting mad at me for?! T_T
EURGHHH.
GET OVER ITT, and how about you just let it accumulate till it gets on my nerves and i can be bothered :D
Although, daddys still being sweet, so i cant really be too mad T_T
SCREW BEING NICE SO I CANT BE MEAN! :@

Ummm, next, friend issues.
I read her blog, and it breaks my heart, because even though she says we should be honest with each other, shes not telling me what shes thinking, shes just blogging it. So im just a bit like okai...
But anyways, im not even mad, i just want her to be okai.
I was under the impression that we were fine now, because she said she didnt wanna talk about it till after exams, so i left it.
She never truly hurts me, i just get into a kerfuffle myself.
You know me bloggy, me with my over thinking, over sensitiveness, over analysing, over everything.
Its how i am as a person.
Its who i am.
But i think sometimes, its too much to take for others.
Its hard for them to accept it because i over everything so much.
And i dont blame them at all, it is something that ive caused myself.
But its difficult, bing someone who over everythings.
Because eventually, it leads to tears all the time.
And i hate crying all the freaking time.
I just want her to know that shes my best friend, and that even though sometimes, it seems like im hurt, im never actually mad at her.
I could never be mad at her.
People telling her the wrong information, making her think that i was mad at her.
Then that person lies and says that they didnt actually say anything.
Well thats a lie.
Skeen at you.
Ugly baby judges you!
But i think were okai now, i just need her to like, ignore me every time im being stupid, cos god knows how much im stupid these days.

And ohmydays.
Just as me and AS get better, TC and JF are like, :@
ITS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
JUST TALK ALREADY OHMYLIFE.
I dunnoes, i just hate seeing them like this.
JF was like, "il give you the yearbook stuff so you can give it to TC"
ERRR NO.
I was like, "GIVE IT TO HIM YOURSELF"
And hes like, "how can i? he wont talk to me"
AISH.
Boys arent meant to have this drama i swear, only girls!
So does that mean im going out with a girl and im really good friends with a boy whos actually a girl? =p
Awww you guys <3
I just want you to talk again, *sighs*
This is like, pointless!
YOU GUYS ARE OBVIOUSLY FRIENDS SO WHY ARE YOU BEING GAYYYYY?! T_T

Thirdly, school issues.
FML?
Revision is like, no.
Just no.
Ive had 8 exams, ive got one left.
Its on monday, business, my last exam.
Its weird but i think im actually gonna miss my exams.
But on the other hand, i cannot wait for everyones exams to be over.
Its actually a pisstake.
A few of us, are revising, BARE.
Like actually insane amounts.
Obviously theyre gonna do so well, so im like, proud of them, but it makes me like, OHMYGOD IM SO DUMB.
But thats something il get over, im just the type that distracts and gets distracted too easily!

And that second last day of school before half term, oh my god.
It was like, the worst day ever.
I had a classic, in film scene, where i was crying with my back against the toilet wall and i just like sunk into the ground.
It was so bad and i felt like i was about to die from too much crying.
I cried for 45 minutes straight in a toilet cubicle.
How awful is that? =s
But they just kept spilling out.
I think thats the difference between me and my friends.
I have some next emotion focussed coping.
Like, AB, she uses problem focussed coping, so whenever she has issues, she like, overcomes it and does things to take her mind off it.
Whereas i cry.
I let my emotions get the better of me.
I cry a lot.
Aish, i never wanna do that again.
Ever.
As in cry in a toilet at school.
Never again.

Okai, lastly, boy issues.
To me, i have, the best boyfriend in the world.
Hes sweet, hes caring, hes amazing, and just perfect for me.
Lots of people will disagree with me, but to me, thats what he is, and if im completely honest, even if i had the choice, i would want nobody else.
But recently, since exams started after half term, im feeling, neglected.
Thats the only word i can use i think..
I know that he prioritises revision and exams and stuff, but i dont get why that has to change how he is with me.
Or maybe its not exams, and he doesnt like me anymore?
But i dont think thats it.
Sorry if that sounds up myself or whatever, im not trying to be.
But i just dont think thats it?
Like, these days, im all cute to him, the same as i always have been, and by cute, i mean like, soppy.
Cos thats just who i am.
Its what we do with each other and he doesnt really respond.
He gives me ":)" or "<3"
Dont get me wrong, i dont get like upset when i get that, but im just like, thats different.
You know?
Before, my good night texts would be like, really long and really cute and would literally make my heart melt.
But now, im lucky if i get 5 lines.
It doesnt make me like him any less, of course it doesnt, to me, hes still perfect, but its like rejection in a way.
I know hes not trying to make me feel this way, hes not like that, if he ever knew that i was upset, hed be upset too because he hates it when im sad.
We promised each other to be honest with each other, and i think were doing pretty well.
We are honest with each other and if somethings on our minds then we say.
But recently, its like, im scared im boring him, or that im annoying him.
I asked whether he thought we were a strong couple...
He told me he didnt know.
I asked whether his feelings towards me had changed and he told me he didnt have an answer..
Okai, correct me if im wrong, but if my feelings towards him hadnt changed, i wouldve just told him, as opposed to saying that i didnt have an answer.
Maybe i misunderstood him, but it really hurt.
Ive cried every day for the past 2 weeks.
Except for 4 days, where things were either better or i was feeling braver.
I really miss him.
And not the "i miss you" type of miss him.
But the type where im just like, i want him back because i dunno whats happened to him kinda thing?
I think exams have really got to him subcionsciously, which is why i dont wanna keep bringing it up.
I dont think hes gonna read this, because he doesnt really go on the internet that much nowadays, cos hes revising like 7 hours a day, and id prefer to keep it that way.
I dont want him to read this cos i dont want him to be sad.
Last time he thought that he made me sad, he thought he wasnt good enough for me.
He thought that he didnt live up to my standards.
I want to just hug him and tell him not to be so stupid.
This was via text, so obviously i couldnt do that, but i really wanted to.
How silly could he get?
Thinking that hes not good enough for me.
If anything, im not good enough for him.
If anything, he deserves so much better than me.
And if anything, i am the luckiest girl in the world.
But me and him, were both the same, we think the others better and we think were luckier than the other, simply cos we have each other.
And thats just another reason why our relationship is so real.
What couple doesnt go through these times?
Where its more difficult than other times.
Every relationship has a hard period of time.
But i know that we just have to pull through till exams are over and well be okai :)

God knows how proud i am of him, and how i want him to do so well.
And of course he will, he actually studies like crazy.
But despite knowing that hes doing this cos he prioritises doing well, it sucks for me.
I hate crying ohmygod.
And its literally something that i do everyday.
And its like, even after ive cried, theres more to cry out.
Like theres something i havent let out.
But i dont know what it is.
It just stays there, trapped.
And its impossible for me to cry it out and feel better because i dunno what the hell it is!
IHATEIT IHATEIT IHATEIT.
EURGHEURGHEURGH.

Some days, hell be really sweet, and be all him again, and il just be the happiest girl in the world.
Honestly, so so happy.
Even if he says the smallest thing, or calls me baby, it will make me smile like insane amounts.
But then nearer the end of the night, hell go quiet again.
I no longer get my sweet goodnight texts.
I know its stupid, to base it on that, but they were important to me.
He asked me whether it was important, not getting cute stuff and being called baby.
And no, its not important, because that doesnt change our feelings.
But i need reassurance, i can be that type of girl sometimes, which is why i got so used to him being cute all the time to me.
I dont blame him at all though, because he must be tired all the time from revision.
I know hes tired, he says so.
So maybe i should stop making mountains out of molehills.
But i cant control how i feel, and him being off with me, just makes me feel even worse.
I hate that i need reassurance, i wish i didnt give a crap about reassurance.
But i cant lie, i do need reassurance, its who i am.
I wanna be there for him, i havent changed.
I wanna be the person that he can turn to after hes finished his revision and just be him again, as opposed to stressed him.
But maybe cos hes revised so much, hes just locked in that state of mind, where its just work.
I dont mind, i just have to pull through the next week and a bit.

Its our 3rd monthiversary in 4 days.
The 22nd's a Wednesday this month :)
But then i leave a week after that..
He finishes exams on the 27th, and he doubts he can see me that day.
Eurgh.
I just want him to come stay over after his exam and we can hang out on the 28th and spend some time together before i leave for 6 weeks.
I wont see him for 6 weeks...
Allow.
Just allowwwwwww.

Meh, i dont wanna rant anymore.
I have business revision to continue with.
I told you i get distracted.
If he ever read this, i think hed feel really bad, so i hope he doesnt read this.
Cos i dont want him to feel bad, i just needed to let my feelings out.
Its not his fault, he probably doesnt even realise that im getting upset about it, haha :)
So its okai ^^
Hes perfect to me, and i know we can get through this.
Well, mainly i have to get through this, cos hes not really upset about it, LMAO.
But after exams, everything will probably go back to normal.
Theres days where he tells me he misses me, and days where he tells me he cant wait to see me, and that seeing me made him happy.
So what more can i ask for?
I already have this boy that i wanna be with forever ^^
And he told me that he wants me to be his last girlfriend.
So there we have it.
Given all our history, were a lot stronger than we think.
Heh, my silly baby <3

RIGHT, back to revision!
See you at a later date bloggy, il try and blog more now that my exams have finished.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

140511 ♥ x

Eurgh, imma shit person.
Meh.

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

080511 ♥ x

I dont understand :(

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

070511 ♥ x

Sometimes i hate how my best friend is treated.
Ummm... this is gonna sound really rude, but its true.
You know when youre brought up as a kid, your parents tell you to respect adults lalala.
And i do.
I respect adults to a point where its like, theyre flawless people.
I grew up with a mum who was strict and firm but very loving.
Wanting nothing but the best for me.
A dad who has always tried his hardest to give me what i want, however demanding i can be sometimes.
But they have never once stopped supporting me.
They give me ultimate support, which i think is really important.
Whether the matter be school, friends, or boys, they have always been here.
I think that by having these parents, theyve taught me that adults are worth respecting, that despite the times they shout at you and tell you off, they are worth your respect.
My family, not just my mum and dad, i mean, my uncles, aunties, grandparents, they are also people who i respect, they show me respect, help me whenever they can and GIMME FOOD :) haha :)
My nan favours boys over girls, typical chinese old person.
So, us girls, all us girl cousins, we respect her, but not in the same way as we do the others.
We respect her because we have to, not because we want to, theres a difference.

My best friend has two brothers.
Shes the girl in the middle.
Her big brother used to be in a bad place.
Yet she still cares so so much about him.
She looks up to him, as a little sister should do, but im sure she sometimes wonders what shes looking up to.
Her little brother, shes scared is following her footsteps.
Listening to their mum all the time, and having to struggle.
It must be really hard for her, watching someone turn into something that she hates being so much.
I cant say that i know what shes going through, i dont have any siblings, nor do my parents pressure me to a level that hers do.
But i know how hard it must be for her.

Back to the respect thing..
Now dont get me wrong, i have utmost respect for her parents and i think theyve raised an amazing child
But, i gotta ask myself, what am i and what is she respecting?
Cos whenever she texts me, saying how her mum made her cry, my heart breaks a bit.
My best friend, is crying because of the person who is meant to love her the most, yet sometimes i feel that she deserves so much more love.
Is that really mean?
In thinking that?
So following how my parents taught me, to respect adults, i would never disrespect her parents.
But it makes me doubt people.
How you can be like that to your own kid.
I think she feels so helpless sometimes, that she doesnt have a place in this world.
But truth is, everybody has a place in this world, no matter who you are.
She thinks that shes burdening us by crying, thats just who she is, and you cant change someones personality.
If they think that, then they think that...
Thats it, no going back.
You cant alter that.
But i wish she could understand that i would never ever judge her, or think any less of her just because she lets out her emotions.
God knows how many times shes had to hear and see me cry.
I see her smile, and i ask myself, is that real?
I love seeing my friends smile, its one of the best feelings in the world, because you know that the ones you love are happy.
But with her, even though she is my best friend, i gotta ask myself, whether shes really truly happy.
Its true that you can never know what someones thinking, especially when theyre so reserved, but sometimes i just wanna have her open up to me.
Im her best friend, if she cant trust me then whos she supposed to trust?
I completely understand that if she doesnt wanna tell me something, then she doesnt have to tell me, but she feels that she cant.
And thats whats really hard, because once you think that noone will understand you, thats where youre stuck.

KL and KL's dad, is practically my uncle.
Or maybe dad?
Seeing as were practically sisters.
Either way, hes a person who i respect a lot.
I think out of all my friends parents, hes the one i respect the most.
Not only because whenever i go to their house, he gives me food, haha :)
But because he is how a dad should be.
I dunno, obviously in families, there are always issues that outsiders know nothing about.
And i know that he gives KL pressure, that he isnt always supportive, but deep down, he wants whats best for her.
Thing is, with AS' mum, does she want the best for my friend or does she just want herself to be happy?
AS has a job, she studies so much, she gets along with her siblings and she is a responsible person.
How can her mum think that thats not enough?
Ahhh, i dont get people sometimes.
How can she not see how unhappy shes making my best friend?
Sorry if this seems protective and like rude of me.
Cos it really isnt my place to say, im not part of their family.
But i know that my best friend means enough to me for me to not want her to get hurt in any way at all.
Theres only so much pressure a person can take before they break, and when the breaking happens, its not gonna be pretty.

So however rude this post is, i hope it doesnt make her mad at me.
I just want her to be happy.
Argh.
Its hard, to be happy.
Like when youre a kid, you get bullied, and you go home crying, thinking that youve just encountered the worst thing in the world.
Yet now you go through something and its thousands of times worse.
Its like, you were just getting prepared for the future as a kid.
But i guess we just have to prepare ourselves for even more crap to come as we get older.
Cos it just seems to be getting harder and harder.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

020511 ♥ x

I havent posted in ages...
I feel like i need to.
I cant believe its may already.
Ive been 18 for like, just over 4 months, how freaking weird is that?
Dunnoes, this is odd!
May '11 already.
Wow.

I havent done like, any revision.
Just allow..

Mmm, i found out the other day from my best freiend that TC read my blog every day...
Like, in the past, which means he knew exactly how I felt.
Its odd how, it doesnt make me mad, or sad, or anything, maybe cos ive decided to put the past behind me.
Like, what happened in the past is in the past and well, now, me and him are just, me and him.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Plus, were pretty perfect, im not gonna lie :)

Uhhh, today, im feeling, i dunno...?
I was in a really good mood this morning, i woke up in TC's arms, and literally, it is never an unamazing moment.
Third time hes stayed over, and yet, its like, when i wake up, and hes next to me, its like, heh ^^
And its like a completely new feeling and a completely new happiness, even though its happened before?
I dunno if that makes sense..
Im probably not making any sense.
I dunno.

Then like, later, AS isnt really texting, in fact, shes not texting at all.
Somethings up.
She says nothings up, but i know it is.
And CS may always be telling me that its bad to overthink and maybe people truly are feeling how they say they are, but, when you know someone so well, you automatically know when somethings not right.
Either way, she clearly didnt wanna say, so i was about to force her.
And how TC's like, talking, but not being like, talky talky.
But i get that sometimes, he wants his own like space :)
So its okai, im just like, cooltingsssss.
Plus, like i said, CS is right.
He always is.

And other people, argh, i just ceebs with them.
Like, i honestly, just why?
I dont understand people, ARGH.
I really just wanna get away from it all and spend time with MT, WP, ST, RO, AW, KL and AC.
It sounds really mean doesnt it?
I dunno, its not meant to!
I do love my friends, i really do.
But i miss my Sma²rk~dw so so much.
I honestly miss them so much.
I got well emotional the other day, i prpoerly like cried cos i missed them so bad.
Stupid right?
Crying cos you miss your friends, i mean, COME ON.
But honestly.
And stupid MT, just frigging liked something about HK on my video from HK
And its like, me and MT lying on the bed and WP's sitting at the end of the bed with the laptop dancing along to Digital Bounce.
And damn, i just miss them so much.
Knowing that Summer 2010 was so so good.
Like, i wanna go back to HK, me, MT and WP having sleepovers like every single frigging day, seeing each other, every day.
It was so good, literally the best.
I dont think ive spent so much time with the same people everyday for so long.
But im not gonna lie, i loved every single day.
Just seeing those videos, i dont think my friends will ever know just how much they mean to me.
They make me laugh, they make me cry (with laughter), theyre here for me.
Take me back please :(
Rarrrrrrrrrrr, i just cant.
Im so freaking emotional.
I miss them so much.
I wanna cry.
I feel really alone at this point, at this moment, i dont know why.
Its like i dont have anyone.
And i know i do, because i have the most amazing boyfriend ever, the best friends, and an amazing daddy.
But i just wanna sit with my Sma²rk~dw and chat, catch up, make noise, i dunno.
Do what we do best, which is just be ourselves and laugh shit loads.
I need them so badly :'(
I miss you.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

200311 ♥ x

Mmm, i havent blogged in quite a while, ive been on tumblr quite a lot instead, im sorry bloggie!
But today, i feel like blogging :)
Whilst im waiting for dinner and watching friends.
I wanna talk about a boy who is really important to me.

Id like to say that hes always been here for me, but he himself and those who know me will know that at one point, he was the reason that i cried every day for like, a month.
But thats in the past now.
He asked me 3 weeks ago what i would do if i was in his position.
And i was honest, i told him that i would give us another try.
Not cos i wanted him to say that, because i didnt
I think a part of me was thinking, "god, i want him to like me again" but the majority of me thought that he would never like me that way again.
He had told me so many times that he didnt like me that way, that i had sorta given up, and i just wanted him to be happy.
He told me he didnt want me to care, and that i shouldnt be unhappy just cos he was.
It really hurt that he didnt realise what i was going through, cos i felt like i was on my own, i knew i wasnt on my own, i had my friends, my best friends, who were there for me every day.
I dunno, its weird, i cant really write it down.
There are still answers that havent been answered, but i think i gotta just let that go and keep it inside me.

So then, he wanted to give us another go, i didnt want him to do it just because i said thats what i would do, but he said he wanted it.
I dont think he understands how happy he makes me feel, how happy he made me feel when he said he liked me again.
Its hard saying these words cos like, i saw it to him, but i get scared.
Thats the secret i wrote when AB asked us to write our secrets.
I get scared that whenever something good happens, something crap is gonna come along and mess it up.
Thats what my secret was.
And its true, i do get scared.
Not just with him though, with everything.
And i know nothing ever goes your way, but, he means so much to me.
I dont know if ive said all this before, i probably have, but its just on my mind and i wanna write it down, i dunno why :)
I get scared that we'll grow apart again, cos thats what happened last time.
He says that i should put everything in the past behind us and just look at the present, but its hard sometimes you know?
When you like someone so much, its true that theres a greater height to fall from.
Its difficult cos i worry about what will happen if suddenly, he feels what he felt before, where he just stops liking me, and then what would i do?
Itd be even harder.
My friends tell me to be careful, and i know i have to be, but i cant help but trust him, because i honestly think hes a good person, someone who i believe in.
I hope he wont hurt me, i trust him.

He promised me the other day that hed never hurt me again, but i didnt know whether he could keep it.
So i told him not to promise me.
I cant have him break another promise, cos he promised forever before, and that obviously didnt work out in the short term..
Its probably me being paranoid, because of whats happened before, and im probably just being stupid.
Cos he tells me he likes me a lot, and i know he misses me all the time, but thats the thing, i like him more and i miss him more.
Its true, you cant measure feelings and how much you like someone, but i get scared.
I needa stop being scared, i was never scared before :)
I trust him, thats all there is to it, so i guess i dont have to be scared :)
I think its just cos i know how it feels, because i know how it feels to lose him
He doesnt know how it feels to lose me, because he was always the one calling the shots, the one who chose everything, the one who made all the decisions.
He never lost me, i still liked him after he broke my heart, but he didnt know what he wanted, even after we did something that felt so right.
He didnt know whether he liked me again.
That really hurt.

He means so much to me, and is so important to me.
And i honestly do believe that we are the perfect couple and that we are good for each other.
To me, he is perfect
Im not even joking.
To others, he may not be gorgeous and amazing and kind, but to me, i think calling him perfect, is underestimating it.
I dont want to rely on someone to have happiness, but its what he gives me.
He makes me so so happy, and when im not with him, i properly miss him.
Its little things like, he says were better this time, that were stronger and that were happier, but is that cos of the physical stuff?
Im not doubting him, and what he says, im really not, i promise.
But like, i hope with all my heart that its what he honestly feels :)
Because everything i say to him, is what i truly feel.
Like i said though, i trust him.
Things like him saying hell buy us a house, even though i know he doesnt mean it cos its so far off in the future
Well, i dont know whether he actually means it or whether hes just saying it to make me happy.
And if he is just saying it to make me happy, then what if he doesnt actually mean it?
What if he doesnt want something serious?
I dunno if you get what i mean...?
When he says he thinks im perfect, i know im not perfect, but like, if i really am perfect to him, then it makes me so happy when he says it, because ive never been perfect to anyone, or myself.
And to be perfect to someone who is perfect to me would be... well pretty damned perfect no?
Hehe :)
Things he does, the smallest things.
Like when we were on the green and he pretended to be looking at something, but he just wanted to wait for people to pass by so he could kiss me.
Hes sucha cutie.
And when he hugs me, wraps his arms round me and my waist especially, its like ive never been happier.
And when he stares into my eyes just before hes about to kiss me, then when he finally does kiss me, and how we just melt into each other and how we feel together.
When we hold hands, and we just fit, our hands slide into each other and they just fit perfectly.
And when he touches me, the way he makes me feel, is indescribable.
When he like, strokes the back of my leg, and like, my face, and the way he holds me, is amazing.
I dont want him to say and do things that he doesnt mean, because last time that happened, well yeah...
I know he knows that he hurt me.
And that hes sorry, so im trying my hardest to not think about the past, i really am :)
I just wish that things could last forever.
Thats all.
Because for him, to be mine, for as long as possible, is what i wish for every time.
I know that wishes can come true, cos i wished that wed get another chance.
And i got another chance.
Hes a boy, boys dont wish that stuff do they?
I dunno :)
Whenever im with him, i dont have to pretend to be happy, i am truly happy, and i act like nobody but myself.
Its odd knowing that someone whos so amazing would like me.
But i know that he does, so heh :)
I just want him to be happy :)

Mmm, long-ish blog tonight, rawrs, its good to talk about stuff bloggie, :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

The Heart Wont Post, SO POOOO.

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

090311 ♥ x

EVERYTHINGS GOOD IN MY LIFE AGAIN.
Me and AS are talking again, i love her :)

I MISS TC.
You smell you fat poo.
*HMPH*
Making me miss you by texting me all this cute stuff, mehhhh!
I WANT MY PRESENTS >:]
LMFAO!
My HELLOKITTYMONOPOLY.
AND MY PANDA.
AND MY SAUSAGE DOG.
AND MY PANDA HELLO KITTY! ^^
YEAHYEAHHHHH <3

Results day tomorrow.
Allow life.
JUST ALLOWWW GROWING UP.
No, just no.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

070311 ♥ x

ALLOW RESULTS DAY IN FREAKING 3 DAYS.
JUST SCREWW YOUUUUUUUUUU.
But yay Tuesday free with TC tomorrow >:]
YEAHYEAHYEAH! ^^

CS just made me cry.
Not on purpose, he never would.
But he said that i dont ever have to feel forced to contact him.
Is that how he really feels?
That i force myself to speak to him?
Doesnt he know that i miss him too?
He makes it sound like its only him that misses me.
I miss all my friends.
Its hard not seeing them all the time.
Doesnt he know that he means a lot to me too?
I dunno why i cried, but like, it makes it sound like he thinks im forcing myself to speak to him when im not, i just like speaking to him...
True, TC and i are back together, but that doesnt mean that our friendship has changed.
He was there for me when i needed my friends most, and i dont think he understands or gets how much i appreciated that.
Whenever i see he's online, i always smile and think, gotta speak to my oppa ^^
And sometimes, il just text him cos i wanna talk.
But i never knew that he felt that way about it =s
That he thinks that i only do it cos he said he misses us talking all the time.
Im sorry you thought that CS.
I never meant it to be that way =s
I get scared of losing you, you mean a lot to me, im sorry.

So many things i gotta apologise for today.
Me and AS were fine last night, on the phone and everything.
But this morning i walk into her form room and she shuns me.
I ask her whats wrong, an expected response of 'nothing' when there blatently is something.
I dunno what ive done.
Why is it always me, apologising for something where i dont even know what ive done?
But i know that ive upset her, and i hate seeing her upset.
Shes so much cuter when shes happier ^^
I think she thinks i dont care about her just cos i have TC now.
Shes wrong.
This happened last time, she went all quiet on me, thinking she was second best.
Ho's before bro's.
Say no more.
Im not gonna lie, hes pretty important to me, but AS is really really important too, shes my best friend.
I hate seeing her ignore me.
Like, it actually makes me feel frigging suicidal.
I know she has a way of dealing with things where shes really quiet and like, she has to ignore me for a period of time before she can speak to me again.
Its like her own special way of dealing with it.
I remember she blogged once, saying that she was jealous that i spent time with him.
Shes so silly.
Aish.
The only reason i didnt spend time with her today was cos in the morning, she completely boyed me =s
And i didnt even know what i did.
Aish, i dunno what to do.
Recently, she gets in moods with me really easily.
Like, its like shes getting sick of me.
She said a few weeks ago that she couldnt even trust me anymore, that she couldnt believe me and that she couldnt even talk to me.
What have i done?
Is it cos of the stuff thats happened with TC?
Things that happen with him really shouldnt affect our friendship, i know you saw me get hurt and how much it hurt you seeing me being hurt.
But that shouldnt have affected our friendship, if i meant a lot to you, youd know that it wouldnt have affected anything because youd still mean so much to me.
I want us to be us :(
Whats going on? ><

Im already trying really hard not to talk about him as much in front of her cos i know how it affects her.
I remember one time as well, she blogged that she was really scared shed lose me.
Doesnt she think that i get scared too?
She knows i get scared.
Not only for things related to friends, school, TC, my parents.
She knows all my insecurities, but she doesnt know that im fucking scared to lose her.
I get worried too.
Whenever shes mad at me, i think, what if she doesnt want me anymore?
What if she doesnt wanna be friends anymore?
What if she never speaks to me again?
What if i lose my sister?
My best friend?
My lesbian lover, (YEAH BITCHES I SAID IT AND WHAT.) all in one?
Ottokaeyo ><
Chingu yaaaa, i know you dont have internet, but im writing this anyway.
Maybe youll telepathically sense it and our friendship psychicness will make you realise just how much you mean to me.
Ahhhh :(
Were meant to be going to Surrey together on wednesday as well, ahhhhhhh.
Allow my life.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

040311 ♥ x

Im tired so i ceebs to write that muchh, buttttttttt;

You made me happy.
Thank you :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

010311 ♥ x

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX BEST.
I LOVE YOU.
I already wrote you like a 7 page long text, WHICH YOU COMPLANED ABOUT
I HOPE YOU HAD AN AMAZING DAY, and enjoyed my doughnut!
It was beautiful no?! :D

And me and TC are like, back to liking each other.
Were odd children.
So the aftermath which was a mess sorted itself out.
Which is good :)
Tuesday free today was good ^^
I spent time with TC and TM.
It was good! :D
I love it when TC hugs me ^^
Its like, an amazingly good hug
And we were waiting for TM a couple of times and wed be holding hands and like, hehh :)
And TM's actually like a 6 year old kid hahaha ^^
Imma happy bunny.
And im glad i make him happy too, the silly munchkins all like, smiley again, its good.
Does that make me sound big headed?
Like i make him smiley, i dont really mean that, but he was all smiley today!
Heh :)
And AS and MG were properly watching us hug T_T
Odd perverted children.
Awkward turtle.. ><

LOL AT MG TODAY
Singing FLOWER INCANTATION!
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
I actually know the words now...
Im not gonna lie.
Its actually ridiculous, ive been singing it all day now T_T

Aish..
Im so tired, and my hairs proper greasytings today.
Its cos like, im nearly blobbed, and you when youre blobbed your hormones go funnys?
But at least i dont turn into a monster and get some odd mood changes LOL
ITS ALL AS' FAULT MAN.
SHES BARE BLOBBED AND SHES LIKE SYNCING ME COS WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER!
LOOL!
Cos you know when girls are always together, their hormones sync and so they blob at the same time?
Yeahhh.
So now blob hormones are entering and they make my hair greasier easier.
Its just unfunny.
LOL ^^
Yet im still laughing... i must be in a good mood...

Mmm, im sleepy...
I used over 3100 texts in February.
Jeez..
NIGHTTT!

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

270211 ♥ x

Its already the second last day of February!
ALREADY.
AHHH.
Im so freaking emotional AND IM NOT EVEN BLOBBED.
AS is though >:]
Second day, do i sound like a stalker?!
WELL SHE TOLD MEEE!
Shes even more emotional and shes bare like a monsterrrrrrrr D= <3
SHES LIKE, RARARARAR ^^
Hahahaaa :)

Its so fucking messed upp.
My life is a mess.
FUDGE POOS.

Okaii, so what was i meant to talk about?
OH YEAH!
I was meant to blog about Thursday :)

Thursday was the birthday party of my beautiful AB, shes not 18 till the 1st though, shes still young for another day :)
So me and AS wake up at like 12 and eat some lunch rarar, KEBABBBBTINGSSS.
Were fat, AND WHAT.
Then we start bumming about not really doing much
Then i get really organised and start packing my stuff and ironing my clothes >:]
Cos im just THAT cool.

Ummm, so then me and AS get to the party at 5 and we get ready with AB and stuff :)
We took lots of pictures and so on so forth ^^
Its us, of course were gonna take loads of pictures.
RK arrives around 6:30?
Star whipping the Malibu outtttt, WHATS NEWWW?! :D
RK's bought Smirnoff Ice, but i didnt have any.
AB was all: "ITS NOT FAIR, IM MEANT TO BE THE HOTTEST, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Idiot, she looked soooo hot <3
Then at 7, TM arrived with beer and he helped me blow up the balloons, which can i say, people stepped on and burst in the first like, hour T_T
Others started arriving after and im like, nearly as tall as JF!
Turns out hes a lot taller than i thought o.O
Cos i had like 4 inch heels on and he was still taller than me! o.O

Then the party properly starts lalala and TC's bare in some next mood.
I offered them drink but theyre like nooooo, corr fine thennn!
Then me and JF went outside with TM and TC was outside
He gave me some attempted hug cos he said hed hug me at AB's beforehand.
Then i insulted him, cant remember with what LMAO
Then he walked away so i walked after him, and we ended up sitting on the curb.
Were talking, laughing, and just sitting there like, comfortable in the silence and then suddenly hes holding my hand...
Whilst other people are there as well...
Im like whutttt?
And then RK comes out and shes pissed and shes like: "TC, KISS HERRRR!"
Oh cringeeeee, we were both like, awkward turtle...
LMAO
So were like, anyway moving on...
Then we walked inside and sat on the benchy thing by the door and AB came and sat next to me :)
Me and TC were holding hands and people were properly asking if we were together, we'd both say no, but like he said, we looked like the exact opposite.
Then we walked outside again and we sit on the curb again.
We were talking, and i guess its a good thing that we were able to like, get time to talk properly inna sense.
Then suddenly we kissed?
I dont even know how it happened, it just did.
And we both pulled away and im like, this is bad...
And hes like, it is.
But then, we end up doing it again?
And again after that?
Thing is, it felt right.
And like TC said, if we didnt feel something, then surely we wouldnt have kept doing it..
Then i stuck my tongue out at him and he stuck his tongue out at me and our tongues like touched, hahaha, it was kinda cute.
JS was like, YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE, hahaha, it was kinda awkward.
Then theres freddy the frog omggg!
IT WAS A SQUASHED FROG ON THE ROAD, REALLY REALLY FLAT ><
And TC bought me to see it, its guts were all spilled everywhere =s
And then i wanted to take a picture and TC like bent over me and like, took a picture of it with me, it was so saddddd!
We ended spending like 2 hours together outside.

Then it comes to TC, FH, AS and JF going homeeee.
I came down in my pjs and i was hopping around inna sleeping bag >:]
TC put his arm around my waist and he smiled at me.
Then when he left, we hugged, it felt weird hugging him.
Even after kissing him, i dunno.
Maybe cos we used to always hug and then we stopped for ages.
Ahhhhhh.

The aftermath is now really messy.
Were both confused, and he doesnt know what he wants.
I have a feeling this isnt gonna go in my favour again, but its not like i had expected the kiss to happen anyways, so i guess i didnt even see an aftermath coming.

I just know it felt right and that theres something between us.
It felt right.
Ahhhhhhhhh ><
Something that feels so right shouldnt be so wrong.
2 people who have this attraction shouldnt be at such a disadvantage.
We talked about a lotta stuff, but il blog about that tomorrow, i gotta sleep.
School tomorrow, i cba.
Aish, nighttt.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share:

250211 ♥ x

Havent blogged for almost a week nowww!
Mmm, some days nothing has happened, and some days, a lot has happened.
Il try going through it day by day, even if its just a little :)
Im getting so distracted today!
AS and TC both texting me, on the SHINee website for some taemin, on tumblr to see what ive missed out on, waiting for the hairdryer, on msn, yeahhh...

OKAI I FINISHED DRYING MY HAIR.
well, my mama finished drying it... but yeah...

Okaii, so Thursday the 17th not much happened i dont think?
I cant really remember o.O
LOL
Had a normal school day really, same old same old!

Friday the 18th!
Last day before half term :)
Ive woken up so early everyday for half term o.O
For no reason ><
Me, RK and CH finish at 9:35 on fridays so me and RK went to Woking cos she wanted to buy her shoes, stupid girl.
Bare didnt listen to me the first day to buy em T_T
SPAZZZZ.
But yeahh, then i left to go to work...
OH YAY...

Saturday the 19th was good, i got up bright and early, at like, 5... T_T
Too early lool!
We left the house and mammy drove me to London Victoria :)
Thank you mammy, i love youuu!
Got the 07:36 with WP and MT to Brightonnn!
Hung out in Brighton until 8:30
Me and Mel did so many trips up the high street cos the others were just smoking shizzle and were good children hahaha ^^
Then we made some long trek of a walk to the pier, was good though!
So yeah, after that, me, MT and WP got the train back to London for Kpop.
Was good seeing CS, i ruffing my oppa rong time ^^
I miss him bareee :(
OPPA, COME TO SEE ME IN ESHER.
Jeeez T_T
Bare making me wait long time tings to see you!
And youre bare not replying on msn, eegoh buyo T_T
Then WP and MT got wasted..
Oh yay mee!
So i looked after them and had to get em back to MT's and LOL that was just lol.
Oh dear.
But we ended up getting back and sleeping at 3:30 am :)
So yeah, nearly a 24 hour day for me!
So i was bloody shattered T_T

Sunday the 20th, i made my way home at like, some time...
Ive forgotten T_T
LOL
But yeah, so i rested up and everything :)
Was good ^^

Monday the 21st, i went to Kingston with AS and AB.
I RUFF THEM ^^ <3
Shopping is a good thing, it makes people happy.
YES SHOPPINGGGG <3
Not gonna lie, spending money makes you feel better, but then after youre like, well this is awkward, when you have no moneys left..
LMAO

Tuesday the 22nd, I bummed around at home, its good just bumming around :)
Watched E4 most of the day..
Mum went out to Kingston with the cousins and Uncle Andy, then they came back home and i entertained the kiddies for a while.
Played a funny board game with them =p
Apparently 5 and 9 year olds dont get that cheating is a nono.
Stealing money from the banker is also okai!
Hahaha, i love them to pieces though, too cutie <3
Then Uncle took them home and he came back so we could all go out for dinner ^^
SOO FULL, wtfudgeeeeeee.

Wednesday the 23rd, Auntie Jenny and the cousins came round, we went to Kingston (again...)
Ate McDondalds (again...)
OH IM SO HEALTHY... :)
Then AS came at 4 and we all watched The Hole together :)
Its scary omgg, dont watch it ><
AND THATS WHY I DONT WATCH SCARY MOVIES.
BUT NOO, MY YOUNGER COUSINS PERSUADED ME TO.
ITS ONLY A 12 AS WELL T_T
But then the cousins left cos Auntie had to work at 6!
So yeahh!
Then me and AS hung out and made Arabian necklaces/foot slings/cats cradles! :)
AS wanted to make toe cats cradle =s
Shes so odd that girl, but i love her <3
We camwhored bareee, whatta surprise! :D

Im tired, so il tell you about Thursday tomorrow.
Its too long to write nowwww.
Night!

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Read More

Posted by : DeeBeeex

Share: