Hello Beautiful People! ;

MH came over today to revise business.
I know my case studies, so hopefully, everything will be okai.

Today, im feeling pretty down.
I didnt cry in so many days, and now, im just like crying.
I feel so freaking lonely.
For no reason.
Its like im falling apart.
For no reason.
Eurgh.
I dont even know how to describe it.
Its like, i have this stone on my heart which i cant get out and its just resting there.
It doesnt hurt, but somethings not right.
TC's been pretty busy recently.
Today, i think i got less than 10 texts all together.
I know i shouldnt expect anything more, but its human nature for a girlfriend to want her boyfriend to talk to her.
Having said that, i dont really expect him to talk to me lots right now cos he has some pretty big exams coming up.
I dont really expect much atm.
But it feels good to feel loved.

I kinda want my dad to come home early from work, just so i can just cry to him.
Obviously, me and TC are still strong, and were still us.
Dont get me wrong :)
Im feeling pretty emotional today, its like its all getting on top of me again.
It shouldnt, its my last exam tomorrow.
I should be freaking estatically happy.
But im not all that excited.
Im not all that "WOOO!"

My boyfriends pretty confident with his maths exams, i know hes gonna do well.
Cant wait for him to tell me he aced it after his exams over :)
It makes me feel so selfish, wanting to be with him, when his exas are so important.
I.feel.so.freaking.selfish.
It must be hard for him, all these difficult subjects and having to ace those exams.
Arghhh... i cant get my feelings out.
I dunno why.
Seriously, that rock is not budging, EURGH.
I just want it to move the fedge away.
Just GET LOST.

I know hes the one for me, and i know im the one for him, and i just gotta wait it out a bit longer.
But how long is longer? :(

Tomorrow, his C4 exams in the morning, meaning hell be leaving school straight after his exam to revise physics.
My exams not till the afternoon, but il be there bright and early to revise.
But i doubt hell see me.
Hes pretty busy.
Maybe after his physics exam on tuesday, he can see me :)
Cos his next ones not till Monday.
Maybe if im lucky..
If i had a choice, wed be together everyday :)
He told me that he wanted to just be with me forever, and if were lucky, thats the way its gonna be :)
Now and forever <3
So i guess i just needa stop being so emotional, meh.
I think i just needed to get this off my chest :)

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

180611 ♥ x

On: 14:50

Comments: 0

By: DeeBeeex

Havent blogged in whats felt like forever.
Too much has happened.
Too much crap.
I cant even remember the date off the top of my head =s
I had to look at the calendar...
I MEAN COME ON.
My heads a mess, i cant think straight.
I cant eat, i cant sleep, i cant focus, fedge this!
Every time i set my mind to do something, i end up doing something else, like, blogging, or tumblring, or crying.
Cryings become pretty big on my list recently.
Especially these 2 weeks.
Ive been on the computer so little that i can no longer type as fast as i used to and i get more typos!
What is this atrocity?! T_T

School issues.
Boy issues.
Friend issues.
Family issues.

Lets start with fmaily issues, just cos thats like shortest.
S'not really an issue, BUT I FREAKING SLEPT ON THE FLOOR FOR LIKE 2 WEEKS COS OF MY DADS FRIENDS.
Okai, its not actually too bad sleeping on the floor, BUT STILL.
I was lying on the floor and my dads on my bed cos his friends have taken his bed, and his hand comes whacking into my face...
ERRR.. OWWWW T_T
These few weeks, i havent washed the dishes much, or done much housework in comparison to before
But my dad doesnt get that i have issues too.
My life cant revolve around housework.
Fedge meeee!
So i dont do housework for like, 2 weeks, SUE ME WHY DONT YOU?!
I have so many friends who dont freaking do housework, AT ALL.
So why you getting mad at me for?! T_T
EURGHHH.
GET OVER ITT, and how about you just let it accumulate till it gets on my nerves and i can be bothered :D
Although, daddys still being sweet, so i cant really be too mad T_T
SCREW BEING NICE SO I CANT BE MEAN! :@

Ummm, next, friend issues.
I read her blog, and it breaks my heart, because even though she says we should be honest with each other, shes not telling me what shes thinking, shes just blogging it. So im just a bit like okai...
But anyways, im not even mad, i just want her to be okai.
I was under the impression that we were fine now, because she said she didnt wanna talk about it till after exams, so i left it.
She never truly hurts me, i just get into a kerfuffle myself.
You know me bloggy, me with my over thinking, over sensitiveness, over analysing, over everything.
Its how i am as a person.
Its who i am.
But i think sometimes, its too much to take for others.
Its hard for them to accept it because i over everything so much.
And i dont blame them at all, it is something that ive caused myself.
But its difficult, bing someone who over everythings.
Because eventually, it leads to tears all the time.
And i hate crying all the freaking time.
I just want her to know that shes my best friend, and that even though sometimes, it seems like im hurt, im never actually mad at her.
I could never be mad at her.
People telling her the wrong information, making her think that i was mad at her.
Then that person lies and says that they didnt actually say anything.
Well thats a lie.
Skeen at you.
Ugly baby judges you!
But i think were okai now, i just need her to like, ignore me every time im being stupid, cos god knows how much im stupid these days.

And ohmydays.
Just as me and AS get better, TC and JF are like, :@
ITS LIKE WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
JUST TALK ALREADY OHMYLIFE.
I dunnoes, i just hate seeing them like this.
JF was like, "il give you the yearbook stuff so you can give it to TC"
ERRR NO.
I was like, "GIVE IT TO HIM YOURSELF"
And hes like, "how can i? he wont talk to me"
AISH.
Boys arent meant to have this drama i swear, only girls!
So does that mean im going out with a girl and im really good friends with a boy whos actually a girl? =p
Awww you guys <3
I just want you to talk again, *sighs*
This is like, pointless!
YOU GUYS ARE OBVIOUSLY FRIENDS SO WHY ARE YOU BEING GAYYYYY?! T_T

Thirdly, school issues.
FML?
Revision is like, no.
Just no.
Ive had 8 exams, ive got one left.
Its on monday, business, my last exam.
Its weird but i think im actually gonna miss my exams.
But on the other hand, i cannot wait for everyones exams to be over.
Its actually a pisstake.
A few of us, are revising, BARE.
Like actually insane amounts.
Obviously theyre gonna do so well, so im like, proud of them, but it makes me like, OHMYGOD IM SO DUMB.
But thats something il get over, im just the type that distracts and gets distracted too easily!

And that second last day of school before half term, oh my god.
It was like, the worst day ever.
I had a classic, in film scene, where i was crying with my back against the toilet wall and i just like sunk into the ground.
It was so bad and i felt like i was about to die from too much crying.
I cried for 45 minutes straight in a toilet cubicle.
How awful is that? =s
But they just kept spilling out.
I think thats the difference between me and my friends.
I have some next emotion focussed coping.
Like, AB, she uses problem focussed coping, so whenever she has issues, she like, overcomes it and does things to take her mind off it.
Whereas i cry.
I let my emotions get the better of me.
I cry a lot.
Aish, i never wanna do that again.
Ever.
As in cry in a toilet at school.
Never again.

Okai, lastly, boy issues.
To me, i have, the best boyfriend in the world.
Hes sweet, hes caring, hes amazing, and just perfect for me.
Lots of people will disagree with me, but to me, thats what he is, and if im completely honest, even if i had the choice, i would want nobody else.
But recently, since exams started after half term, im feeling, neglected.
Thats the only word i can use i think..
I know that he prioritises revision and exams and stuff, but i dont get why that has to change how he is with me.
Or maybe its not exams, and he doesnt like me anymore?
But i dont think thats it.
Sorry if that sounds up myself or whatever, im not trying to be.
But i just dont think thats it?
Like, these days, im all cute to him, the same as i always have been, and by cute, i mean like, soppy.
Cos thats just who i am.
Its what we do with each other and he doesnt really respond.
He gives me ":)" or "<3"
Dont get me wrong, i dont get like upset when i get that, but im just like, thats different.
You know?
Before, my good night texts would be like, really long and really cute and would literally make my heart melt.
But now, im lucky if i get 5 lines.
It doesnt make me like him any less, of course it doesnt, to me, hes still perfect, but its like rejection in a way.
I know hes not trying to make me feel this way, hes not like that, if he ever knew that i was upset, hed be upset too because he hates it when im sad.
We promised each other to be honest with each other, and i think were doing pretty well.
We are honest with each other and if somethings on our minds then we say.
But recently, its like, im scared im boring him, or that im annoying him.
I asked whether he thought we were a strong couple...
He told me he didnt know.
I asked whether his feelings towards me had changed and he told me he didnt have an answer..
Okai, correct me if im wrong, but if my feelings towards him hadnt changed, i wouldve just told him, as opposed to saying that i didnt have an answer.
Maybe i misunderstood him, but it really hurt.
Ive cried every day for the past 2 weeks.
Except for 4 days, where things were either better or i was feeling braver.
I really miss him.
And not the "i miss you" type of miss him.
But the type where im just like, i want him back because i dunno whats happened to him kinda thing?
I think exams have really got to him subcionsciously, which is why i dont wanna keep bringing it up.
I dont think hes gonna read this, because he doesnt really go on the internet that much nowadays, cos hes revising like 7 hours a day, and id prefer to keep it that way.
I dont want him to read this cos i dont want him to be sad.
Last time he thought that he made me sad, he thought he wasnt good enough for me.
He thought that he didnt live up to my standards.
I want to just hug him and tell him not to be so stupid.
This was via text, so obviously i couldnt do that, but i really wanted to.
How silly could he get?
Thinking that hes not good enough for me.
If anything, im not good enough for him.
If anything, he deserves so much better than me.
And if anything, i am the luckiest girl in the world.
But me and him, were both the same, we think the others better and we think were luckier than the other, simply cos we have each other.
And thats just another reason why our relationship is so real.
What couple doesnt go through these times?
Where its more difficult than other times.
Every relationship has a hard period of time.
But i know that we just have to pull through till exams are over and well be okai :)

God knows how proud i am of him, and how i want him to do so well.
And of course he will, he actually studies like crazy.
But despite knowing that hes doing this cos he prioritises doing well, it sucks for me.
I hate crying ohmygod.
And its literally something that i do everyday.
And its like, even after ive cried, theres more to cry out.
Like theres something i havent let out.
But i dont know what it is.
It just stays there, trapped.
And its impossible for me to cry it out and feel better because i dunno what the hell it is!
IHATEIT IHATEIT IHATEIT.
EURGHEURGHEURGH.

Some days, hell be really sweet, and be all him again, and il just be the happiest girl in the world.
Honestly, so so happy.
Even if he says the smallest thing, or calls me baby, it will make me smile like insane amounts.
But then nearer the end of the night, hell go quiet again.
I no longer get my sweet goodnight texts.
I know its stupid, to base it on that, but they were important to me.
He asked me whether it was important, not getting cute stuff and being called baby.
And no, its not important, because that doesnt change our feelings.
But i need reassurance, i can be that type of girl sometimes, which is why i got so used to him being cute all the time to me.
I dont blame him at all though, because he must be tired all the time from revision.
I know hes tired, he says so.
So maybe i should stop making mountains out of molehills.
But i cant control how i feel, and him being off with me, just makes me feel even worse.
I hate that i need reassurance, i wish i didnt give a crap about reassurance.
But i cant lie, i do need reassurance, its who i am.
I wanna be there for him, i havent changed.
I wanna be the person that he can turn to after hes finished his revision and just be him again, as opposed to stressed him.
But maybe cos hes revised so much, hes just locked in that state of mind, where its just work.
I dont mind, i just have to pull through the next week and a bit.

Its our 3rd monthiversary in 4 days.
The 22nd's a Wednesday this month :)
But then i leave a week after that..
He finishes exams on the 27th, and he doubts he can see me that day.
Eurgh.
I just want him to come stay over after his exam and we can hang out on the 28th and spend some time together before i leave for 6 weeks.
I wont see him for 6 weeks...
Allow.
Just allowwwwwww.

Meh, i dont wanna rant anymore.
I have business revision to continue with.
I told you i get distracted.
If he ever read this, i think hed feel really bad, so i hope he doesnt read this.
Cos i dont want him to feel bad, i just needed to let my feelings out.
Its not his fault, he probably doesnt even realise that im getting upset about it, haha :)
So its okai ^^
Hes perfect to me, and i know we can get through this.
Well, mainly i have to get through this, cos hes not really upset about it, LMAO.
But after exams, everything will probably go back to normal.
Theres days where he tells me he misses me, and days where he tells me he cant wait to see me, and that seeing me made him happy.
So what more can i ask for?
I already have this boy that i wanna be with forever ^^
And he told me that he wants me to be his last girlfriend.
So there we have it.
Given all our history, were a lot stronger than we think.
Heh, my silly baby <3

RIGHT, back to revision!
See you at a later date bloggy, il try and blog more now that my exams have finished.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTT

♥

140511 ♥ x

On: 09:53

Comments: 0

By: DeeBeeex

Eurgh, imma shit person.
Meh.

On: 14:59

Comments: 0

On: 22:12

Comments: 0

By: DeeBeeex

Im sooo tireddddd.
My inbox is baree empty and my battery is baree full, eurghhhhh.
We texted all of last week...
Then the second the whole flirting thing happened and he boyed me, he hasnt texted.
Oh skeen.

Turning innn, sleepyyyy.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

090211 ♥ x

On: 17:45

Comments: 0

By: DeeBeeex

Question for TC: Are you trying to make me hate you?
Cos youre not succeeding unless you tell me to my face that you want me to hate you.
You know that i just wanted to be friends, i didnt want anything more from you cos you ended it.
So why are you making some fat deal out of it?
Theres so much i wanna say, but i cant even remember it all.
Fudge.

Kai;
You know that im happy just being friends.
Even though it hurt, i was willing to just go with it, as long as you were happy then i was fine.
You said you wanted to be friends, fine.
So i proceeded to just be friends with you, but you didnt make it easy did you?
No, i can answer that for you, you fucking didnt.
You still fucking dont.
Yesterday, after everything happened, you didnt speak to me for the rest of the day.
Today, you walk into the common room, pretending i dont exist.
What the shit is that all about?
Honestly, i wanna know whats running through your mind.
I thought you were perfect, in every way possible.
But apparently i was wrong.
You hurt me, and you continue to hurt me.
If you think that by playing hot and cold with me is gonna make me hate you so i stop liking you, then you have another thing coming.
I agreed to just be friends, and i was willing to let myself get over you, but you just go and do that?
Its not neccessary, we can be friends without you tryna play it hot and cold, its just not needed.
If you know that id wanna be friends anyway then whats the point of all this?
Seriously.
Yeah i love it when it feels like were back to how we were before.
Its fucking amazing, and youre fucking amazing, but that doesnt let me get over you.
What do you want from me?!

At times, i honestly think that you still might like me.
But then i remind myself that you were the one who ended it, not me.
So why does it feel like im the one who has to respond to you whenever you feel like it?
You pick me up when you want and you drop me when you want, what the hell do you want?
Do you still like me or not?
Because the day you broke my heart, i was prepared to get over you, not fast, but i knew that it was something that i had to do.
But you arent letting me, why?
Do you get some weird pleasure out of making me pine over you?
Does it feel good to know that it hurts so much because you are you and ive never felt like this about someone before?
Does it make you feel better knowing that someone cant get over you?
Cos i really doubt youre that type of guy, but youre making me doubt my instincts.
AS says she knows youre not that type of guy either, so what are you doing?
AS agrees with me, if we wanted someone to get over us, we wouldnt flirt with them like that.
Wed just be friends, normal friends.
Act like how we used to and all that.
Sure, weve never been just friends, apart from the very beginning, weve always had banter between us.
Why cant we still banter without you having to piss on my parade the very next day cos it feels like youve said too much?
Do you feel like youve said too much?
Cos you havent.
If you remember all our memories and you bring them up, then you cant blame me for thinking things.
All our memories.
Meh.
AS thinks that were not just friends, but she cant figure out what we are, its good to know that someone else feels the same way.
Cos were not just friends are we?
But i dunno what we are.
Maybe you needa tell me.

KL kinda just disregarded stuff i said and she was kinda on your side.
If it makes you happier, her being on your side, then i can deal with that, but shes saying how you might feel that you can flirt with me and i cant flirt with you.
Whats that all about?
Cos thats gonna make me hate you... (sarcasm)
Its not is it?
You know its not.
And thats not fair either.
Especially when you know what weve been through.
But then its like you cant control your character around me and you act like how you used to, the real you, and then the next day youll just freaking ignore me.
Does that make you feel happy?
Or are you trying to upset me on purpose?
Cos trust me when i say, its not making me hate you, its making me hate me.
Usually i think KL's right in everything, because shes so smart and she just knows, you know?
Like, minho knows.
But i cant help but think, theres more to this than whats being told.
I just know.
Why is it so hard to just tell me whats on your mind?
You close up so much.
Please just talk to me, properly, like the mature *COUGH* people that we are.

KL says that maybe youre scared that what i gave you for valentines was cos i still like you.
OH COME ON, dont flatter yourself please :)
I gave everyone one.
And the one i gave you, didnt mean anything more, its cos everyone thats close to me got one.
Aishhhh, please dont think that you were special just cos i gave you one too, its not like that anymore, i gave up on the fact that youd want me back already, ick.
So theres no need to be scared, cos i am not gonna make you fall in love with me again, as much as i wish i could, im not gonna try because i just want you to smile.
And why are you scared anyways?
We loved each other, end of.
You loved me, i loved you, and you made me smile the most, you made me realise that i had feelings that i didnt even know existed.
Happiness wasnt a word id use to describe what you gave me, because a whole new level of happiness was reached whenever you were around.
What did i do wrong?
You said you loved me too, yet you let me go.
How does that even work?
You were someone i was proud to talk to my parents about, and proud to say, yeah, i like him, and even when AS was always like, gahhh ive been scarred (harharhar) id say, yeah well... we werent doing anything :)
But deep down, whenever we held hands or like, hugged, id secretly be the happiest girl in the world.

I mean, are you gonna ignore me in stats tomorrow again?
Or are you gonna decide to talk to me again?
Cos i just wanna know.
Please either stop this, or make me feel like i used to. Properly. No games, no nothing, just us.
Please just dont flirt with me loads and let me think that you might still like me the slightest bit even if i dont have hope and its just a gut feeling.
Cos it hurts, because whenever you make me feel that way, im always preparing myself to be ignored for the next few days.
Cos thats just how you are these days.
You flirt bareeee, then just, ignore bareee.
And its mean.
You dont even respond to AS anymore, like in the way she whacks you, and all that jazz.
Before, youd whack back, and be responsive.
And thats how we knew that you were you.
In a way.
Youre so unresponsive.
Yet when were alone, you couldnt be more responsive if you tried.
Is that cos you dont wanna be a loner?
Cos even if you didnt wanna be a loner, you dont have to feed me shizzle.
And if you didnt like someone, surely you wouldnt go and feed them food.
Especially not when youve had a past.
Otherwise thats just harsh.
Which i dont believe you are.
Is it possible that i was the only one to feel that we still have something?
Tell me if it is.
I know imma flirt, and i admit it, but even i dont do that, and apparently my flirting is like, way up there.
I really wish youd open up.
You told me that you chose to move on.
And that it was up to me now whether i got over you or not.
But you say that, yet i still feel something there, and not just on my part.
Am i wrong?
Because its like youve said youve moved on but are those your true feelings?
Cos i know, theres more than meets the eye.
I know there is.

Its a shame youd never read this stuff.
Cos maybe once youd read it, you might start to talk to me about it and not just clamp up.
I wanna know whats running through your head.
Even as friends i have a right to know right?
Cos you cant deny that we were once, the closest.
Even if that was in the past, cos you made it.

Might sleep early tonight, i hate thinking about this shit.
It just makes me hate myself for not being good enough.
And for not being able to not overthink.
Cos i admit i overthink, but this time, its not even my fault that im overthinking.
Just please talk to me about what you want.
And speak true from your heart.
Please.
But seeing as youll never see this, i dont see it happening and il just have to do some guesswork.
Eurgh, please.

Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

♥

Tuesday, 28 June 2011

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