In these 9 months ive grown up a bit, experienced more, also learnt more (maths more than anything i swear to god T_T)
Ive fallen in love, ive had my heart broken and im using tumblr and blogspot again!
Even though its exam period... =s
But its a new start of the year, WOO 2011!
I hope everyone had an amazing new years eve and new years day and that 2011 has been running smoothly for the first 16 days!
Have i changed much since 2010?!
There is soooo much i needa blog about and get out of my system, omg, I LOVE YOU BLOGGG ^^
Sooo, main aspects of life, family, friends, school and love right?
We'll go through em :)
Family:
My mums came back for my birthday in December 2010
she was meant to arrive on the 18th, but allow cos of the snow and stuff, she didnt get back till the 20th..
She made it just in time for my 18th on the 21st ^^
Christmas with the rest of the family was great and its good to getta good catchup with them when you havent seen them for what feels like freaking lightyears.
Apart from Christmas, i didn't actually see my family all that much, but it was good enough for me :)
Sooo, im working at my dads takeaway now, which means, YAY nail polish, YAY hair not in a hat, YAY no uniform, YAYYY :)
Plus i get more money, better me making money from my dad than others right?
Thats what my mum keeps saying anyway haha.
Familys kinda annoying sometimes, you know when they pressure you about uni and all this stuff?
And then theyre like, youre not trying, like how the FUDGE would you know what im doing?!
ARGHH, dont piss me off T_T
Some major pissage offage.
ARGHH GRRR.
But meh, cant live with them, cant live without them!
Jjangg, thats my family, were a cool bunch huh? :)
Friends:
Soo, friends are pretty much the same since last year:
My Sma²rk~dw
They are still existent and we are very much still a group of friends who love each other bare.
I dont see them that much anymore, the last time i saw them was on NYE/NYD where we had lots and lots of fun ^^
Its so good knowing that you have a close group of friends who will always be there for you, despite the fact that you dont see each other all the time.
My besties from 11 years ago now, Kerry and Kirsty Liu, you will always be in my heart, from day 1 to however many days just over 11 years is.
Not a day has gone by where you havent been here for me, and for simply that, and much much more, i thank you and honestly love you an unbelievable amount from the bottom of my heart.
My best friend, Alaine Sung, even though shes a stubborn poo sometimes, and gets angry at me for the crappiest reasons, i still love her to pieces.
She has been here for me, through the thick and think for the past year now, and i cannot thank her enough times, even if i tried.
I just hope that i have been there for her, as much as she has for me, cos then that would show her just how much she means to me.
BestUH Chingu, i love you so much, thank you thank you thank you.
Alex Best; Say no more at just what an amazing person you are.
You are one of the strongest people i know, and even though it might be a front you put on because you want to seem strong, know that i am here for you no matter what, because i know that deep down, everyone can get upset at times.
Dont ever feel you cant talk to me about anything at all, because thats what im here for.
Rosie Knott~ Thank you, for being here whenever ive needed you and to always text me back whenever i need you.
You are so smart, and you know so much, im greatful to have met you and to know such a person like you.
To Xav Fung, you are one of the most amazing people i know, this isnt even a lie.
At times, sure, we get on each others nerves, but you are always, always here for me.
You can tell when im sad, even when we dont talk for like months on end.
Me and you and our periods of not talking T_T
You absolute poo, i blame you :)
But at the end of the day, i love you bare and thank you for all the memories, from the past, the present and hopefully, the future!
Carlos Salazar: Thank you.
For calling me whilst you could be sleeping to make sure im okai after ive burst into tears whilst calling you, and for talking to me about things to make sure im okai before i go to sleep.
A few months ago, during the summer, i swear to god, i would have had you killed.
LMAO, but thank you for being a good friend, it must be hard listening to me drone on and on about the countless issues i have had recently.
Sorry, and thank you, and i cant believe im about to say this, but i hope you find Suzy one day!
Craig Humphrey aka Chumphrey> AKA DOCTOR CRAIGGGG.
You are seriously like my councellor these days LMAO!
Thank you thank you, for enduring me in maths when im properly deflated and what not, always listening to my problems and all that jazz.
Josh Fry, You are such a nice person, thank you for comforting me this past week, even though youre not as close a friend as Kerry, Kirsty, Alaine, Alex, Rosie etc, i still think of you as an important person in my life, and thank you for being here.
So AS YOU CAN SEE, my friends are a pretty amazing lot.
School:
Its weird cos i swear ive never actually blogged about school before...
Well, going back to september 2009, i joined Heathside.
A year and a half later, i can honestly say that i feel like i fit in.
That im just part of people, you know?
Everyones really nice, and apart from those obvious annoying people, everythings great.
January exams are here, some are gone and some are still to come, its pretty hectic and stupid.
Exams are so dumb, they actually make me wanna die T_T
Like, wtf is the point in exams?!
APART FROM THE OBVIOUS?!
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH
Stupid stupid stupid
But i mean, its been a good 1.5 years, nothing honestly bad has happened and lets say, minimal drama in the first year was GREATT ^^
Year 13 has been a lotta up and down...
Lets just say its gotten difficult recently...
Lets start with last year, saying that i got pretty crappy grades.
Putting that behind us, this year i obviously have to work hard.
I failed one subject completely, got a U, no guesses which subject that was, but il talk about that later.
This year, i started doing critical thinking whilst achieving U grades and now im nearly on an A grade... so fingers crossed...
Oh yeah, i failed maths last year...
LOLOL i got a U...
Seriously.
Im not even kidding, if you think im joking, think again.
Yeahhh, schools sucha poop sometimes, cant live with it, cant live without it!
So this year, im retaking maths which has gotten a lot better.
Its honestly a lot better second time round, i wasnt smart enough first time round to even remember half the stuff T_T
Now i actually understand shizzle and ive had my maths retake for C1 already.
I also retook my critical thinking paper 1...
Which i think went SHIATTTTTTTTT and i will have to see the retake ONCE AGAIN IN JUNE.
Freaking pooface.
Maths went well i think, but i couldnt have done it without my friends helping me, Kerry, Alaine and Toby.
Which leads me nicely onto...
Love:
Only one name needs to be said at this point..
Toby Chow.
One of the most amazing people you will ever meet.
Before the summer, I knew nothing and well, me and Alaine were crying BAREE on the last day.
God it was so saddddd, i felt like i was leaving a part of me behind, im not even exagerrating.
We cried so much on the last day when i was going to HK
I wasnt gonna see her for a month and omgggg, i was like, omgggg D=
I mean, we spoke on the phone EVERYDAY, for like hours on end, and now, itd be like, nothing.
After leaving school cos i had a plane to catch that night, toby texted me...
It made me happy and a smile appeared on my face, even though he was just telling me to have a good summer.
But at that point, i didnt think anything big of it because we were just friends you know?
During the summer, turns out he already liked me.
I had no freaking clue, and i remember blabbing on about Carlos to him.
My god that mustve sucked for him...
I can admit, cos even he knows this, that at that point, during the summer, i didnt have feelings for him as anything more than a friend.
I mean, i thought he was a cutie, sure he is, but wed text sometimes, and then sometimes we wouldnt really talk that much...
Coming back from HK after the summer, and having realised that me and Carlos were better off as friends, i realised that I had feelings for Toby.
I had missed him and it was weird, cos i didnt realise that i liked him o.O
I dont think he actually knew at first, but i think it got kinda obvious towards the middle...
He would always be there for me when i cried, whether it was over Carlos, or whether it was over uni or whether, it was about anything really.
We started talking more like friends, and less like acquaintances (however you spell that, i ceebs to google it)
I stole his red band (from his wrist, dont be dirty T_T)
And ive been wearing it ever since..
Anyways, so on Wednesday 22nd of September, 2010, we admitted to each other that we liked each other.
And from that day on, we were... well, we called it 'friends who liked each other' because honestly, thats what we were.
We were two friends who liked each other.
He didnt ask me out and i was willing to just, let that happen, maybe because i thought he was special, or maybe just cos i knew that he was new to this whole kinda 'thing' as you could call it.
Usually i hate being in something with a guy unofficially, it makes me feel really uneasy, but if he was happy that way, then i was willing to just go with it.
I think finding out that he liked me was one of the best things that happened to me during 2010, im not even gonna lie and im not gonna try and deny it, because he has become someone who i care about so much.
Friends had asked before whether i liked him, but id always deny it, saying how him and Alaine were cute, she says i used her as my excuse, i do love you Alaine Sung <3
At Fou's sleepover, we held hands for the first time, and i know that sounds really gay, but its like...
We connected...
Is that really cringey?
Sorry >< He meant so much to me, and when we held hands, we just fit you know?
And when we hugged, it felt like nobody else was there, even though Alaine would always turn up and give us her disgusted look, hahaha ^^
God this sounds so gay of me...
But whateverrrrr!
He became my everything and he made me feel like the most special girl in the world, like nobody else mattered and that i was important.
He wasnt perfect, i can admit that, but nobody is perfect and he was perfect for me, and everyday, i would like him more and more.
Sure, people say you cant love at this age, but ive felt it and i believe it can happen.
I grew to love him, for being him, and he would be on my mind, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, and id always be missing him.
If i wasnt texting him, id be on msn to him and if i wasnt on msn to him, id be on the phone to him, and if i wasnt on the phone to him, id be seeing him, and if i wasnt seeing him, id be thinking of him, and id constantly be missing and loving him.
He was just such a big part of my life.
He told me we'd be together forever and that hed love me forever, and that hed keep my heart safe.
I believed him and i think, i honestly fell in love with him.
The texts he sent me would be so amazingly cute and I've still kept them, i never read them though, it hurts too much knowing that that's what we were.
But nevertheless, i keep them.
His red band is still on my wrist 24/7
Most of the time, i dont even realise i have it on, its just become like, a part of my wrist?
LOL, its like merged LMAOO
I never take it off, DONT WORRY, IT GETS WASHED IN THE SHOWER JEEZ T_T
At one point, my best friend felt neglected because of this, and honestly, it made me feel so bad, she meant and still means so so much to me.
Having my best friend feel like she wasnt loved enough because of a guy is such a horrible feeling.
I did NOT know what to do, i felt like such a shit best friend, how the fuck could i have let my best friend feel rejected because of a boy?
But then at one point i got really upset that she didnt understand that she would never come second to him, didnt she understand?
One day, i was in the common room and she sent me a text, one that made me wanna cry, i left the common room and i cried in the corridor, thinking noone would realise.
Toby walked out after me, to comfort me and to talk to me about it, i realised that he cared about my best friend, just as much as i did (but less) and he wanted us to be happy as friends too.
We talked and she grew to understand just how much i liked him, and i never meant it to be bros before hoes, because it is always gonna be hoes before bros.
On the 21st of December, it was my 18th birthday.
I hadnt seen him for 3 days...
And i swear you get drawbacks, LOL
But i opened what he gave me and its what i describe to be my scroll.
Lolol allow the nickname i give it ><
T_T It was something filled with love, emotions and everything else and i never knew i meant that much to him.
When youre with someone, you know they like you but you never realise just how much they like you, it was that feeling.
I remember reading it to Alaine, she was about to puke i swear, LMFAO, but to me, i cant even describe how it made me feel.
It was some unreal feeling.
The day after my birthday, it was the 22nd.
Thats 3 more 22nd's later and i knew that something was up, nothing big, but i knew that wed been texting less and i can say, it was my fault.
It was my fault for not texting him and my fault for being off with him, even if i didnt mean to be.
So needless to say, that it bought him to breaking my heart.
Monday 10th of January 2011, start of the year, i thought itd be a good year.
He wasnt talking to me, and i knew something was up.
Tuesday 11th of January 2011, the day he broke my heart.
He felt that there was a gap between us, that wed become distanced.
I cried, for 13 hours, over 2 days.
I have never cried over a boy this much before, god it was so bad.
I couldnt think how he couldve changed so fast, how he couldve just stopped loving me in such a short amount of time when he meant so so much to me.
Surely he didnt know just how much i liked him.
Did i not show it before?
So many freaking questions.
On Wednesday night, where we shoulve been all happy about our 16th week together, we spoke on msn.
I thought id break the ice and you know, just try to speak casually, turns out, it wasnt actually that bad so i thought, right, stats isnt gonna be that bad, wont be too awkward...
On Thursday, we had stats together, naturally, we sit next to each other...
Haaa, shouldve thought about that before, he didnt even look at me.
After the lesson, he walked off in a completely different direction and he wouldnt even say bye.
The lesson had ended early, so i sat outside the school gate and cried to myself whilst waiting for my friends.
Crying at school, thats something i havent done in a long time, but it happened, and i couldnt help it.
All that we had, gone down the drain in a matter of two days, i was so confused.
Thursday night, i wasnt crying anymore, i couldnt cry anymore, i had cried enough and honestly, i had nothing left to cry out, i was so freaking emotionally dehydrated i swear T_T
I spoke to him on msn and asked him all the questions i needed to ask.
He answered them and i think, that closure talk made me happier that we could at least be friends if not something more.
I thought id write him something, a letter where my feelings would just be spoken and that was my way of getting closure you know?
I always think that writing out your feelings is so much better than keeping them inside you.
Around that time, either Wednesday or Thursday, he tells me MaamaaChow is coming to England on the 22nd.
Lolol, ironic much?
He realises this too and we lol about it.
Its like a sign for us to be together, i swear to god.
But no, apparently this sign doesnt speak out to him T_T
Silly boy.
On Friday, we were okai, i think that talk kinda just made things a bit better between us, i was starting to think, i can handle this you know, i can ^^
So in the common room, our friend decides to be like, you guys are soo cutie together, i have to think of a name for you guys, awww.
Awkward turtle much...?
Jeeez ><
I put the letter in his bag and i expected him to read it when he got home..
After my lessons, we walked down the lane, with Craig and Jasmin.
As we were walking, he says that hes read it already.
It was so embarrassing, goddd.
But then i get home and he tells me on fb that hes read it another time.
Then he texts me and its all fine, till around 10 or 11pm, he tells me he has something on his mind.
Naturally i asked what was up and hes like, mm i dunno.
So im like, you wanna talk about it?
And hes like, mm i dunno
And im like, is it girl issues?
And hes like, mmm i dunno.
So im thinking crap my life, youve moved on already, but obviously i didnt say that, i didnt want him to feel bad..
Then i ask him if its someone i know, and hes like, i think its better that we dont talk about it, or something like that.
So im thinking, oh allow, its someone i know as well, but by this time, hes gone to sleep.
So Saturday, i wake up to a text saying, i promise i dont like anyone. its something else
So im like, okai, and i dont mention it much, until later in the day, he asks if i really wanna know what it is?
So im like, yeah sure, why not?
So he tells me that hes kinda regretting breaking my heart but hes not sure whether or not its something that he misses and will get over or something that he misses and needs back.
What am i meant to say to that?
How am i meant to respond and wait if i know hes just gonna end up getting over me?
I do not want my heart to be broken again, but like, this broke me again already because i knew that he will one day, just get over me, just like that *clicks*
He tells me that hes trying to revise but he cant and he cant concentrate on anything and that the only real thing hes doing is texting me...
So has he got my hopes up?
Pretty much, cos i overthink things quite a bit sometimes...
Then later tonight he tells me that i should just move on?
THE POOP?!
My mind is so messed up.
Honestly.
So Toby, just know that you were the first boy i properly loved, and even though you keep saying that i did make you happy, im sorry i didnt make you happy enough to stay, to keep loving me and to keep letting me love you.
You made me the happiest ive ever been, or at least for a long long while.
I dont think you realise just how amazing you made me feel, simply by just being you.
The amount of love i had for you, i dont think anyone could have measured, even if they tried.
Everything i said to you was meant from the bottom of my heart, and now, as im typing this, you are still on my mind.
You are one of the most genuine people i have ever met, and you are smart, caring, kind and loving.
Whoever has you in their lives are lucky and should appreciate the moments they get with you.
You gave me everything ive ever wanted, and you meant so much to me and you still do
Never forget what we had, even if what we could have, could potentially be even stronger.
I just wish youd see this and realise what a big fat mistake youve made.
Well to me its a big fat mistake, maybe not to you.
A big fat mistake because we could have become much much more.
Distancing happens, we didnt see each other for ages, of course were gonna feel distanced.
But i thought that after seeing each other, wed grow close again, that id get the chance to fall for you even more, and even though most people say that falling for someone is making yourself more vulnerable, i didnt care, because i liked you so much, that being vulnerable didnt even enter my mind.
I wanted for YOU to be happy, and for YOU to smile.
Usually, sticking to a routine gets to me, but since you became a part of it, youre the only part of the my routine that i didnt want to change, that i wanted to keep a part of my routine.
But you didnt want me anymore, and in a flash, you took everything that you had given me, out of my mind, out of my heart, out of my feelings, and out of me.
I dont hate you, not for the empty promises and words, or for hurting me, i could never hate you, we established this ages ago, but i just wish, you know?
Thank you for giving me so many feelings that i didnt think were possible, that i didnt know existed till i met and got to know you.
And i thank you for teaching me so much (not just in maths) and being the biggest part of my life for the past few months.
I miss it so much.
The gap between us couldve been fixed, but you didnt even try and even after you broke my heart, i was the one who was trying to at least let us be friends.
Gaps can decrease, sure they can increase, but surely if you loved someone, youd fight for what you had.
You broke me and you didnt even try to fix the gap...
You didnt give our gap a chance to close up after the holidays...
I wish you had... I still wish you had...
SO BLOGGIE, have you missed me?!
Thats pretty much my past 9 months summed up!
Aishh its been so long, im sleepy noww, its nearly 4am!
Ive been typing for so long without realising o.O
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
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