Eurgh, imma shit person.
Meh.
Meh.
Saturday, 14 May 2011
Sunday, 8 May 2011
Saturday, 7 May 2011
070511 ♥ x
Sometimes i hate how my best friend is treated.
Ummm... this is gonna sound really rude, but its true.
You know when youre brought up as a kid, your parents tell you to respect adults lalala.
And i do.
I respect adults to a point where its like, theyre flawless people.
I grew up with a mum who was strict and firm but very loving.
Wanting nothing but the best for me.
A dad who has always tried his hardest to give me what i want, however demanding i can be sometimes.
But they have never once stopped supporting me.
They give me ultimate support, which i think is really important.
Whether the matter be school, friends, or boys, they have always been here.
I think that by having these parents, theyve taught me that adults are worth respecting, that despite the times they shout at you and tell you off, they are worth your respect.
My family, not just my mum and dad, i mean, my uncles, aunties, grandparents, they are also people who i respect, they show me respect, help me whenever they can and GIMME FOOD :) haha :)
My nan favours boys over girls, typical chinese old person.
So, us girls, all us girl cousins, we respect her, but not in the same way as we do the others.
We respect her because we have to, not because we want to, theres a difference.
My best friend has two brothers.
Shes the girl in the middle.
Her big brother used to be in a bad place.
Yet she still cares so so much about him.
She looks up to him, as a little sister should do, but im sure she sometimes wonders what shes looking up to.
Her little brother, shes scared is following her footsteps.
Listening to their mum all the time, and having to struggle.
It must be really hard for her, watching someone turn into something that she hates being so much.
I cant say that i know what shes going through, i dont have any siblings, nor do my parents pressure me to a level that hers do.
But i know how hard it must be for her.
Back to the respect thing..
Now dont get me wrong, i have utmost respect for her parents and i think theyve raised an amazing child
But, i gotta ask myself, what am i and what is she respecting?
Cos whenever she texts me, saying how her mum made her cry, my heart breaks a bit.
My best friend, is crying because of the person who is meant to love her the most, yet sometimes i feel that she deserves so much more love.
Is that really mean?
In thinking that?
So following how my parents taught me, to respect adults, i would never disrespect her parents.
But it makes me doubt people.
How you can be like that to your own kid.
I think she feels so helpless sometimes, that she doesnt have a place in this world.
But truth is, everybody has a place in this world, no matter who you are.
She thinks that shes burdening us by crying, thats just who she is, and you cant change someones personality.
If they think that, then they think that...
Thats it, no going back.
You cant alter that.
But i wish she could understand that i would never ever judge her, or think any less of her just because she lets out her emotions.
God knows how many times shes had to hear and see me cry.
I see her smile, and i ask myself, is that real?
I love seeing my friends smile, its one of the best feelings in the world, because you know that the ones you love are happy.
But with her, even though she is my best friend, i gotta ask myself, whether shes really truly happy.
Its true that you can never know what someones thinking, especially when theyre so reserved, but sometimes i just wanna have her open up to me.
Im her best friend, if she cant trust me then whos she supposed to trust?
I completely understand that if she doesnt wanna tell me something, then she doesnt have to tell me, but she feels that she cant.
And thats whats really hard, because once you think that noone will understand you, thats where youre stuck.
KL and KL's dad, is practically my uncle.
Or maybe dad?
Seeing as were practically sisters.
Either way, hes a person who i respect a lot.
I think out of all my friends parents, hes the one i respect the most.
Not only because whenever i go to their house, he gives me food, haha :)
But because he is how a dad should be.
I dunno, obviously in families, there are always issues that outsiders know nothing about.
And i know that he gives KL pressure, that he isnt always supportive, but deep down, he wants whats best for her.
Thing is, with AS' mum, does she want the best for my friend or does she just want herself to be happy?
AS has a job, she studies so much, she gets along with her siblings and she is a responsible person.
How can her mum think that thats not enough?
Ahhh, i dont get people sometimes.
How can she not see how unhappy shes making my best friend?
Sorry if this seems protective and like rude of me.
Cos it really isnt my place to say, im not part of their family.
But i know that my best friend means enough to me for me to not want her to get hurt in any way at all.
Theres only so much pressure a person can take before they break, and when the breaking happens, its not gonna be pretty.
So however rude this post is, i hope it doesnt make her mad at me.
I just want her to be happy.
Argh.
Its hard, to be happy.
Like when youre a kid, you get bullied, and you go home crying, thinking that youve just encountered the worst thing in the world.
Yet now you go through something and its thousands of times worse.
Its like, you were just getting prepared for the future as a kid.
But i guess we just have to prepare ourselves for even more crap to come as we get older.
Cos it just seems to be getting harder and harder.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Ummm... this is gonna sound really rude, but its true.
You know when youre brought up as a kid, your parents tell you to respect adults lalala.
And i do.
I respect adults to a point where its like, theyre flawless people.
I grew up with a mum who was strict and firm but very loving.
Wanting nothing but the best for me.
A dad who has always tried his hardest to give me what i want, however demanding i can be sometimes.
But they have never once stopped supporting me.
They give me ultimate support, which i think is really important.
Whether the matter be school, friends, or boys, they have always been here.
I think that by having these parents, theyve taught me that adults are worth respecting, that despite the times they shout at you and tell you off, they are worth your respect.
My family, not just my mum and dad, i mean, my uncles, aunties, grandparents, they are also people who i respect, they show me respect, help me whenever they can and GIMME FOOD :) haha :)
My nan favours boys over girls, typical chinese old person.
So, us girls, all us girl cousins, we respect her, but not in the same way as we do the others.
We respect her because we have to, not because we want to, theres a difference.
My best friend has two brothers.
Shes the girl in the middle.
Her big brother used to be in a bad place.
Yet she still cares so so much about him.
She looks up to him, as a little sister should do, but im sure she sometimes wonders what shes looking up to.
Her little brother, shes scared is following her footsteps.
Listening to their mum all the time, and having to struggle.
It must be really hard for her, watching someone turn into something that she hates being so much.
I cant say that i know what shes going through, i dont have any siblings, nor do my parents pressure me to a level that hers do.
But i know how hard it must be for her.
Back to the respect thing..
Now dont get me wrong, i have utmost respect for her parents and i think theyve raised an amazing child
But, i gotta ask myself, what am i and what is she respecting?
Cos whenever she texts me, saying how her mum made her cry, my heart breaks a bit.
My best friend, is crying because of the person who is meant to love her the most, yet sometimes i feel that she deserves so much more love.
Is that really mean?
In thinking that?
So following how my parents taught me, to respect adults, i would never disrespect her parents.
But it makes me doubt people.
How you can be like that to your own kid.
I think she feels so helpless sometimes, that she doesnt have a place in this world.
But truth is, everybody has a place in this world, no matter who you are.
She thinks that shes burdening us by crying, thats just who she is, and you cant change someones personality.
If they think that, then they think that...
Thats it, no going back.
You cant alter that.
But i wish she could understand that i would never ever judge her, or think any less of her just because she lets out her emotions.
God knows how many times shes had to hear and see me cry.
I see her smile, and i ask myself, is that real?
I love seeing my friends smile, its one of the best feelings in the world, because you know that the ones you love are happy.
But with her, even though she is my best friend, i gotta ask myself, whether shes really truly happy.
Its true that you can never know what someones thinking, especially when theyre so reserved, but sometimes i just wanna have her open up to me.
Im her best friend, if she cant trust me then whos she supposed to trust?
I completely understand that if she doesnt wanna tell me something, then she doesnt have to tell me, but she feels that she cant.
And thats whats really hard, because once you think that noone will understand you, thats where youre stuck.
KL and KL's dad, is practically my uncle.
Or maybe dad?
Seeing as were practically sisters.
Either way, hes a person who i respect a lot.
I think out of all my friends parents, hes the one i respect the most.
Not only because whenever i go to their house, he gives me food, haha :)
But because he is how a dad should be.
I dunno, obviously in families, there are always issues that outsiders know nothing about.
And i know that he gives KL pressure, that he isnt always supportive, but deep down, he wants whats best for her.
Thing is, with AS' mum, does she want the best for my friend or does she just want herself to be happy?
AS has a job, she studies so much, she gets along with her siblings and she is a responsible person.
How can her mum think that thats not enough?
Ahhh, i dont get people sometimes.
How can she not see how unhappy shes making my best friend?
Sorry if this seems protective and like rude of me.
Cos it really isnt my place to say, im not part of their family.
But i know that my best friend means enough to me for me to not want her to get hurt in any way at all.
Theres only so much pressure a person can take before they break, and when the breaking happens, its not gonna be pretty.
So however rude this post is, i hope it doesnt make her mad at me.
I just want her to be happy.
Argh.
Its hard, to be happy.
Like when youre a kid, you get bullied, and you go home crying, thinking that youve just encountered the worst thing in the world.
Yet now you go through something and its thousands of times worse.
Its like, you were just getting prepared for the future as a kid.
But i guess we just have to prepare ourselves for even more crap to come as we get older.
Cos it just seems to be getting harder and harder.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Monday, 2 May 2011
020511 ♥ x
I havent posted in ages...
I feel like i need to.
I cant believe its may already.
Ive been 18 for like, just over 4 months, how freaking weird is that?
Dunnoes, this is odd!
May '11 already.
Wow.
I havent done like, any revision.
Just allow..
Mmm, i found out the other day from my best freiend that TC read my blog every day...
Like, in the past, which means he knew exactly how I felt.
Its odd how, it doesnt make me mad, or sad, or anything, maybe cos ive decided to put the past behind me.
Like, what happened in the past is in the past and well, now, me and him are just, me and him.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Plus, were pretty perfect, im not gonna lie :)
Uhhh, today, im feeling, i dunno...?
I was in a really good mood this morning, i woke up in TC's arms, and literally, it is never an unamazing moment.
Third time hes stayed over, and yet, its like, when i wake up, and hes next to me, its like, heh ^^
And its like a completely new feeling and a completely new happiness, even though its happened before?
I dunno if that makes sense..
Im probably not making any sense.
I dunno.
Then like, later, AS isnt really texting, in fact, shes not texting at all.
Somethings up.
She says nothings up, but i know it is.
And CS may always be telling me that its bad to overthink and maybe people truly are feeling how they say they are, but, when you know someone so well, you automatically know when somethings not right.
Either way, she clearly didnt wanna say, so i was about to force her.
And how TC's like, talking, but not being like, talky talky.
But i get that sometimes, he wants his own like space :)
So its okai, im just like, cooltingsssss.
Plus, like i said, CS is right.
He always is.
And other people, argh, i just ceebs with them.
Like, i honestly, just why?
I dont understand people, ARGH.
I really just wanna get away from it all and spend time with MT, WP, ST, RO, AW, KL and AC.
It sounds really mean doesnt it?
I dunno, its not meant to!
I do love my friends, i really do.
But i miss my Sma²rk~dw so so much.
I honestly miss them so much.
I got well emotional the other day, i prpoerly like cried cos i missed them so bad.
Stupid right?
Crying cos you miss your friends, i mean, COME ON.
But honestly.
And stupid MT, just frigging liked something about HK on my video from HK
And its like, me and MT lying on the bed and WP's sitting at the end of the bed with the laptop dancing along to Digital Bounce.
And damn, i just miss them so much.
Knowing that Summer 2010 was so so good.
Like, i wanna go back to HK, me, MT and WP having sleepovers like every single frigging day, seeing each other, every day.
It was so good, literally the best.
I dont think ive spent so much time with the same people everyday for so long.
But im not gonna lie, i loved every single day.
Just seeing those videos, i dont think my friends will ever know just how much they mean to me.
They make me laugh, they make me cry (with laughter), theyre here for me.
Take me back please :(
Rarrrrrrrrrrr, i just cant.
Im so freaking emotional.
I miss them so much.
I wanna cry.
I feel really alone at this point, at this moment, i dont know why.
Its like i dont have anyone.
And i know i do, because i have the most amazing boyfriend ever, the best friends, and an amazing daddy.
But i just wanna sit with my Sma²rk~dw and chat, catch up, make noise, i dunno.
Do what we do best, which is just be ourselves and laugh shit loads.
I need them so badly :'(
I miss you.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
I feel like i need to.
I cant believe its may already.
Ive been 18 for like, just over 4 months, how freaking weird is that?
Dunnoes, this is odd!
May '11 already.
Wow.
I havent done like, any revision.
Just allow..
Mmm, i found out the other day from my best freiend that TC read my blog every day...
Like, in the past, which means he knew exactly how I felt.
Its odd how, it doesnt make me mad, or sad, or anything, maybe cos ive decided to put the past behind me.
Like, what happened in the past is in the past and well, now, me and him are just, me and him.
Nothing more, nothing less.
Plus, were pretty perfect, im not gonna lie :)
Uhhh, today, im feeling, i dunno...?
I was in a really good mood this morning, i woke up in TC's arms, and literally, it is never an unamazing moment.
Third time hes stayed over, and yet, its like, when i wake up, and hes next to me, its like, heh ^^
And its like a completely new feeling and a completely new happiness, even though its happened before?
I dunno if that makes sense..
Im probably not making any sense.
I dunno.
Then like, later, AS isnt really texting, in fact, shes not texting at all.
Somethings up.
She says nothings up, but i know it is.
And CS may always be telling me that its bad to overthink and maybe people truly are feeling how they say they are, but, when you know someone so well, you automatically know when somethings not right.
Either way, she clearly didnt wanna say, so i was about to force her.
And how TC's like, talking, but not being like, talky talky.
But i get that sometimes, he wants his own like space :)
So its okai, im just like, cooltingsssss.
Plus, like i said, CS is right.
He always is.
And other people, argh, i just ceebs with them.
Like, i honestly, just why?
I dont understand people, ARGH.
I really just wanna get away from it all and spend time with MT, WP, ST, RO, AW, KL and AC.
It sounds really mean doesnt it?
I dunno, its not meant to!
I do love my friends, i really do.
But i miss my Sma²rk~dw so so much.
I honestly miss them so much.
I got well emotional the other day, i prpoerly like cried cos i missed them so bad.
Stupid right?
Crying cos you miss your friends, i mean, COME ON.
But honestly.
And stupid MT, just frigging liked something about HK on my video from HK
And its like, me and MT lying on the bed and WP's sitting at the end of the bed with the laptop dancing along to Digital Bounce.
And damn, i just miss them so much.
Knowing that Summer 2010 was so so good.
Like, i wanna go back to HK, me, MT and WP having sleepovers like every single frigging day, seeing each other, every day.
It was so good, literally the best.
I dont think ive spent so much time with the same people everyday for so long.
But im not gonna lie, i loved every single day.
Just seeing those videos, i dont think my friends will ever know just how much they mean to me.
They make me laugh, they make me cry (with laughter), theyre here for me.
Take me back please :(
Rarrrrrrrrrrr, i just cant.
Im so freaking emotional.
I miss them so much.
I wanna cry.
I feel really alone at this point, at this moment, i dont know why.
Its like i dont have anyone.
And i know i do, because i have the most amazing boyfriend ever, the best friends, and an amazing daddy.
But i just wanna sit with my Sma²rk~dw and chat, catch up, make noise, i dunno.
Do what we do best, which is just be ourselves and laugh shit loads.
I need them so badly :'(
I miss you.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Sunday, 20 March 2011
200311 ♥ x
Mmm, i havent blogged in quite a while, ive been on tumblr quite a lot instead, im sorry bloggie!
But today, i feel like blogging :)
Whilst im waiting for dinner and watching friends.
I wanna talk about a boy who is really important to me.
Id like to say that hes always been here for me, but he himself and those who know me will know that at one point, he was the reason that i cried every day for like, a month.
But thats in the past now.
He asked me 3 weeks ago what i would do if i was in his position.
And i was honest, i told him that i would give us another try.
Not cos i wanted him to say that, because i didnt
I think a part of me was thinking, "god, i want him to like me again" but the majority of me thought that he would never like me that way again.
He had told me so many times that he didnt like me that way, that i had sorta given up, and i just wanted him to be happy.
He told me he didnt want me to care, and that i shouldnt be unhappy just cos he was.
It really hurt that he didnt realise what i was going through, cos i felt like i was on my own, i knew i wasnt on my own, i had my friends, my best friends, who were there for me every day.
I dunno, its weird, i cant really write it down.
There are still answers that havent been answered, but i think i gotta just let that go and keep it inside me.
So then, he wanted to give us another go, i didnt want him to do it just because i said thats what i would do, but he said he wanted it.
I dont think he understands how happy he makes me feel, how happy he made me feel when he said he liked me again.
Its hard saying these words cos like, i saw it to him, but i get scared.
Thats the secret i wrote when AB asked us to write our secrets.
I get scared that whenever something good happens, something crap is gonna come along and mess it up.
Thats what my secret was.
And its true, i do get scared.
Not just with him though, with everything.
And i know nothing ever goes your way, but, he means so much to me.
I dont know if ive said all this before, i probably have, but its just on my mind and i wanna write it down, i dunno why :)
I get scared that we'll grow apart again, cos thats what happened last time.
He says that i should put everything in the past behind us and just look at the present, but its hard sometimes you know?
When you like someone so much, its true that theres a greater height to fall from.
Its difficult cos i worry about what will happen if suddenly, he feels what he felt before, where he just stops liking me, and then what would i do?
Itd be even harder.
My friends tell me to be careful, and i know i have to be, but i cant help but trust him, because i honestly think hes a good person, someone who i believe in.
I hope he wont hurt me, i trust him.
He promised me the other day that hed never hurt me again, but i didnt know whether he could keep it.
So i told him not to promise me.
I cant have him break another promise, cos he promised forever before, and that obviously didnt work out in the short term..
Its probably me being paranoid, because of whats happened before, and im probably just being stupid.
Cos he tells me he likes me a lot, and i know he misses me all the time, but thats the thing, i like him more and i miss him more.
Its true, you cant measure feelings and how much you like someone, but i get scared.
I needa stop being scared, i was never scared before :)
I trust him, thats all there is to it, so i guess i dont have to be scared :)
I think its just cos i know how it feels, because i know how it feels to lose him
He doesnt know how it feels to lose me, because he was always the one calling the shots, the one who chose everything, the one who made all the decisions.
He never lost me, i still liked him after he broke my heart, but he didnt know what he wanted, even after we did something that felt so right.
He didnt know whether he liked me again.
That really hurt.
He means so much to me, and is so important to me.
And i honestly do believe that we are the perfect couple and that we are good for each other.
To me, he is perfect
Im not even joking.
To others, he may not be gorgeous and amazing and kind, but to me, i think calling him perfect, is underestimating it.
I dont want to rely on someone to have happiness, but its what he gives me.
He makes me so so happy, and when im not with him, i properly miss him.
Its little things like, he says were better this time, that were stronger and that were happier, but is that cos of the physical stuff?
Im not doubting him, and what he says, im really not, i promise.
But like, i hope with all my heart that its what he honestly feels :)
Because everything i say to him, is what i truly feel.
Like i said though, i trust him.
Things like him saying hell buy us a house, even though i know he doesnt mean it cos its so far off in the future
Well, i dont know whether he actually means it or whether hes just saying it to make me happy.
And if he is just saying it to make me happy, then what if he doesnt actually mean it?
What if he doesnt want something serious?
I dunno if you get what i mean...?
When he says he thinks im perfect, i know im not perfect, but like, if i really am perfect to him, then it makes me so happy when he says it, because ive never been perfect to anyone, or myself.
And to be perfect to someone who is perfect to me would be... well pretty damned perfect no?
Hehe :)
Things he does, the smallest things.
Like when we were on the green and he pretended to be looking at something, but he just wanted to wait for people to pass by so he could kiss me.
Hes sucha cutie.
And when he hugs me, wraps his arms round me and my waist especially, its like ive never been happier.
And when he stares into my eyes just before hes about to kiss me, then when he finally does kiss me, and how we just melt into each other and how we feel together.
When we hold hands, and we just fit, our hands slide into each other and they just fit perfectly.
And when he touches me, the way he makes me feel, is indescribable.
When he like, strokes the back of my leg, and like, my face, and the way he holds me, is amazing.
I dont want him to say and do things that he doesnt mean, because last time that happened, well yeah...
I know he knows that he hurt me.
And that hes sorry, so im trying my hardest to not think about the past, i really am :)
I just wish that things could last forever.
Thats all.
Because for him, to be mine, for as long as possible, is what i wish for every time.
I know that wishes can come true, cos i wished that wed get another chance.
And i got another chance.
Hes a boy, boys dont wish that stuff do they?
I dunno :)
Whenever im with him, i dont have to pretend to be happy, i am truly happy, and i act like nobody but myself.
Its odd knowing that someone whos so amazing would like me.
But i know that he does, so heh :)
I just want him to be happy :)
Mmm, long-ish blog tonight, rawrs, its good to talk about stuff bloggie, :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
But today, i feel like blogging :)
Whilst im waiting for dinner and watching friends.
I wanna talk about a boy who is really important to me.
Id like to say that hes always been here for me, but he himself and those who know me will know that at one point, he was the reason that i cried every day for like, a month.
But thats in the past now.
He asked me 3 weeks ago what i would do if i was in his position.
And i was honest, i told him that i would give us another try.
Not cos i wanted him to say that, because i didnt
I think a part of me was thinking, "god, i want him to like me again" but the majority of me thought that he would never like me that way again.
He had told me so many times that he didnt like me that way, that i had sorta given up, and i just wanted him to be happy.
He told me he didnt want me to care, and that i shouldnt be unhappy just cos he was.
It really hurt that he didnt realise what i was going through, cos i felt like i was on my own, i knew i wasnt on my own, i had my friends, my best friends, who were there for me every day.
I dunno, its weird, i cant really write it down.
There are still answers that havent been answered, but i think i gotta just let that go and keep it inside me.
So then, he wanted to give us another go, i didnt want him to do it just because i said thats what i would do, but he said he wanted it.
I dont think he understands how happy he makes me feel, how happy he made me feel when he said he liked me again.
Its hard saying these words cos like, i saw it to him, but i get scared.
Thats the secret i wrote when AB asked us to write our secrets.
I get scared that whenever something good happens, something crap is gonna come along and mess it up.
Thats what my secret was.
And its true, i do get scared.
Not just with him though, with everything.
And i know nothing ever goes your way, but, he means so much to me.
I dont know if ive said all this before, i probably have, but its just on my mind and i wanna write it down, i dunno why :)
I get scared that we'll grow apart again, cos thats what happened last time.
He says that i should put everything in the past behind us and just look at the present, but its hard sometimes you know?
When you like someone so much, its true that theres a greater height to fall from.
Its difficult cos i worry about what will happen if suddenly, he feels what he felt before, where he just stops liking me, and then what would i do?
Itd be even harder.
My friends tell me to be careful, and i know i have to be, but i cant help but trust him, because i honestly think hes a good person, someone who i believe in.
I hope he wont hurt me, i trust him.
He promised me the other day that hed never hurt me again, but i didnt know whether he could keep it.
So i told him not to promise me.
I cant have him break another promise, cos he promised forever before, and that obviously didnt work out in the short term..
Its probably me being paranoid, because of whats happened before, and im probably just being stupid.
Cos he tells me he likes me a lot, and i know he misses me all the time, but thats the thing, i like him more and i miss him more.
Its true, you cant measure feelings and how much you like someone, but i get scared.
I needa stop being scared, i was never scared before :)
I trust him, thats all there is to it, so i guess i dont have to be scared :)
I think its just cos i know how it feels, because i know how it feels to lose him
He doesnt know how it feels to lose me, because he was always the one calling the shots, the one who chose everything, the one who made all the decisions.
He never lost me, i still liked him after he broke my heart, but he didnt know what he wanted, even after we did something that felt so right.
He didnt know whether he liked me again.
That really hurt.
He means so much to me, and is so important to me.
And i honestly do believe that we are the perfect couple and that we are good for each other.
To me, he is perfect
Im not even joking.
To others, he may not be gorgeous and amazing and kind, but to me, i think calling him perfect, is underestimating it.
I dont want to rely on someone to have happiness, but its what he gives me.
He makes me so so happy, and when im not with him, i properly miss him.
Its little things like, he says were better this time, that were stronger and that were happier, but is that cos of the physical stuff?
Im not doubting him, and what he says, im really not, i promise.
But like, i hope with all my heart that its what he honestly feels :)
Because everything i say to him, is what i truly feel.
Like i said though, i trust him.
Things like him saying hell buy us a house, even though i know he doesnt mean it cos its so far off in the future
Well, i dont know whether he actually means it or whether hes just saying it to make me happy.
And if he is just saying it to make me happy, then what if he doesnt actually mean it?
What if he doesnt want something serious?
I dunno if you get what i mean...?
When he says he thinks im perfect, i know im not perfect, but like, if i really am perfect to him, then it makes me so happy when he says it, because ive never been perfect to anyone, or myself.
And to be perfect to someone who is perfect to me would be... well pretty damned perfect no?
Hehe :)
Things he does, the smallest things.
Like when we were on the green and he pretended to be looking at something, but he just wanted to wait for people to pass by so he could kiss me.
Hes sucha cutie.
And when he hugs me, wraps his arms round me and my waist especially, its like ive never been happier.
And when he stares into my eyes just before hes about to kiss me, then when he finally does kiss me, and how we just melt into each other and how we feel together.
When we hold hands, and we just fit, our hands slide into each other and they just fit perfectly.
And when he touches me, the way he makes me feel, is indescribable.
When he like, strokes the back of my leg, and like, my face, and the way he holds me, is amazing.
I dont want him to say and do things that he doesnt mean, because last time that happened, well yeah...
I know he knows that he hurt me.
And that hes sorry, so im trying my hardest to not think about the past, i really am :)
I just wish that things could last forever.
Thats all.
Because for him, to be mine, for as long as possible, is what i wish for every time.
I know that wishes can come true, cos i wished that wed get another chance.
And i got another chance.
Hes a boy, boys dont wish that stuff do they?
I dunno :)
Whenever im with him, i dont have to pretend to be happy, i am truly happy, and i act like nobody but myself.
Its odd knowing that someone whos so amazing would like me.
But i know that he does, so heh :)
I just want him to be happy :)
Mmm, long-ish blog tonight, rawrs, its good to talk about stuff bloggie, :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
The Heart Wont Post, SO POOOO.
Wednesday, 9 March 2011
090311 ♥ x
EVERYTHINGS GOOD IN MY LIFE AGAIN.
Me and AS are talking again, i love her :)
I MISS TC.
You smell you fat poo.
*HMPH*
Making me miss you by texting me all this cute stuff, mehhhh!
I WANT MY PRESENTS >:]
LMFAO!
My HELLOKITTYMONOPOLY.
AND MY PANDA.
AND MY SAUSAGE DOG.
AND MY PANDA HELLO KITTY! ^^
YEAHYEAHHHHH <3
Results day tomorrow.
Allow life.
JUST ALLOWWW GROWING UP.
No, just no.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Me and AS are talking again, i love her :)
I MISS TC.
You smell you fat poo.
*HMPH*
Making me miss you by texting me all this cute stuff, mehhhh!
I WANT MY PRESENTS >:]
LMFAO!
My HELLOKITTYMONOPOLY.
AND MY PANDA.
AND MY SAUSAGE DOG.
AND MY PANDA HELLO KITTY! ^^
YEAHYEAHHHHH <3
Results day tomorrow.
Allow life.
JUST ALLOWWW GROWING UP.
No, just no.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Monday, 7 March 2011
070311 ♥ x
ALLOW RESULTS DAY IN FREAKING 3 DAYS.
JUST SCREWW YOUUUUUUUUUU.
But yay Tuesday free with TC tomorrow >:]
YEAHYEAHYEAH! ^^
CS just made me cry.
Not on purpose, he never would.
But he said that i dont ever have to feel forced to contact him.
Is that how he really feels?
That i force myself to speak to him?
Doesnt he know that i miss him too?
He makes it sound like its only him that misses me.
I miss all my friends.
Its hard not seeing them all the time.
Doesnt he know that he means a lot to me too?
I dunno why i cried, but like, it makes it sound like he thinks im forcing myself to speak to him when im not, i just like speaking to him...
True, TC and i are back together, but that doesnt mean that our friendship has changed.
He was there for me when i needed my friends most, and i dont think he understands or gets how much i appreciated that.
Whenever i see he's online, i always smile and think, gotta speak to my oppa ^^
And sometimes, il just text him cos i wanna talk.
But i never knew that he felt that way about it =s
That he thinks that i only do it cos he said he misses us talking all the time.
Im sorry you thought that CS.
I never meant it to be that way =s
I get scared of losing you, you mean a lot to me, im sorry.
So many things i gotta apologise for today.
Me and AS were fine last night, on the phone and everything.
But this morning i walk into her form room and she shuns me.
I ask her whats wrong, an expected response of 'nothing' when there blatently is something.
I dunno what ive done.
Why is it always me, apologising for something where i dont even know what ive done?
But i know that ive upset her, and i hate seeing her upset.
Shes so much cuter when shes happier ^^
I think she thinks i dont care about her just cos i have TC now.
Shes wrong.
This happened last time, she went all quiet on me, thinking she was second best.
Ho's before bro's.
Say no more.
Im not gonna lie, hes pretty important to me, but AS is really really important too, shes my best friend.
I hate seeing her ignore me.
Like, it actually makes me feel frigging suicidal.
I know she has a way of dealing with things where shes really quiet and like, she has to ignore me for a period of time before she can speak to me again.
Its like her own special way of dealing with it.
I remember she blogged once, saying that she was jealous that i spent time with him.
Shes so silly.
Aish.
The only reason i didnt spend time with her today was cos in the morning, she completely boyed me =s
And i didnt even know what i did.
Aish, i dunno what to do.
Recently, she gets in moods with me really easily.
Like, its like shes getting sick of me.
She said a few weeks ago that she couldnt even trust me anymore, that she couldnt believe me and that she couldnt even talk to me.
What have i done?
Is it cos of the stuff thats happened with TC?
Things that happen with him really shouldnt affect our friendship, i know you saw me get hurt and how much it hurt you seeing me being hurt.
But that shouldnt have affected our friendship, if i meant a lot to you, youd know that it wouldnt have affected anything because youd still mean so much to me.
I want us to be us :(
Whats going on? ><
Im already trying really hard not to talk about him as much in front of her cos i know how it affects her.
I remember one time as well, she blogged that she was really scared shed lose me.
Doesnt she think that i get scared too?
She knows i get scared.
Not only for things related to friends, school, TC, my parents.
She knows all my insecurities, but she doesnt know that im fucking scared to lose her.
I get worried too.
Whenever shes mad at me, i think, what if she doesnt want me anymore?
What if she doesnt wanna be friends anymore?
What if she never speaks to me again?
What if i lose my sister?
My best friend?
My lesbian lover, (YEAH BITCHES I SAID IT AND WHAT.) all in one?
Ottokaeyo ><
Chingu yaaaa, i know you dont have internet, but im writing this anyway.
Maybe youll telepathically sense it and our friendship psychicness will make you realise just how much you mean to me.
Ahhhh :(
Were meant to be going to Surrey together on wednesday as well, ahhhhhhh.
Allow my life.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
JUST SCREWW YOUUUUUUUUUU.
But yay Tuesday free with TC tomorrow >:]
YEAHYEAHYEAH! ^^
CS just made me cry.
Not on purpose, he never would.
But he said that i dont ever have to feel forced to contact him.
Is that how he really feels?
That i force myself to speak to him?
Doesnt he know that i miss him too?
He makes it sound like its only him that misses me.
I miss all my friends.
Its hard not seeing them all the time.
Doesnt he know that he means a lot to me too?
I dunno why i cried, but like, it makes it sound like he thinks im forcing myself to speak to him when im not, i just like speaking to him...
True, TC and i are back together, but that doesnt mean that our friendship has changed.
He was there for me when i needed my friends most, and i dont think he understands or gets how much i appreciated that.
Whenever i see he's online, i always smile and think, gotta speak to my oppa ^^
And sometimes, il just text him cos i wanna talk.
But i never knew that he felt that way about it =s
That he thinks that i only do it cos he said he misses us talking all the time.
Im sorry you thought that CS.
I never meant it to be that way =s
I get scared of losing you, you mean a lot to me, im sorry.
So many things i gotta apologise for today.
Me and AS were fine last night, on the phone and everything.
But this morning i walk into her form room and she shuns me.
I ask her whats wrong, an expected response of 'nothing' when there blatently is something.
I dunno what ive done.
Why is it always me, apologising for something where i dont even know what ive done?
But i know that ive upset her, and i hate seeing her upset.
Shes so much cuter when shes happier ^^
I think she thinks i dont care about her just cos i have TC now.
Shes wrong.
This happened last time, she went all quiet on me, thinking she was second best.
Ho's before bro's.
Say no more.
Im not gonna lie, hes pretty important to me, but AS is really really important too, shes my best friend.
I hate seeing her ignore me.
Like, it actually makes me feel frigging suicidal.
I know she has a way of dealing with things where shes really quiet and like, she has to ignore me for a period of time before she can speak to me again.
Its like her own special way of dealing with it.
I remember she blogged once, saying that she was jealous that i spent time with him.
Shes so silly.
Aish.
The only reason i didnt spend time with her today was cos in the morning, she completely boyed me =s
And i didnt even know what i did.
Aish, i dunno what to do.
Recently, she gets in moods with me really easily.
Like, its like shes getting sick of me.
She said a few weeks ago that she couldnt even trust me anymore, that she couldnt believe me and that she couldnt even talk to me.
What have i done?
Is it cos of the stuff thats happened with TC?
Things that happen with him really shouldnt affect our friendship, i know you saw me get hurt and how much it hurt you seeing me being hurt.
But that shouldnt have affected our friendship, if i meant a lot to you, youd know that it wouldnt have affected anything because youd still mean so much to me.
I want us to be us :(
Whats going on? ><
Im already trying really hard not to talk about him as much in front of her cos i know how it affects her.
I remember one time as well, she blogged that she was really scared shed lose me.
Doesnt she think that i get scared too?
She knows i get scared.
Not only for things related to friends, school, TC, my parents.
She knows all my insecurities, but she doesnt know that im fucking scared to lose her.
I get worried too.
Whenever shes mad at me, i think, what if she doesnt want me anymore?
What if she doesnt wanna be friends anymore?
What if she never speaks to me again?
What if i lose my sister?
My best friend?
My lesbian lover, (YEAH BITCHES I SAID IT AND WHAT.) all in one?
Ottokaeyo ><
Chingu yaaaa, i know you dont have internet, but im writing this anyway.
Maybe youll telepathically sense it and our friendship psychicness will make you realise just how much you mean to me.
Ahhhh :(
Were meant to be going to Surrey together on wednesday as well, ahhhhhhh.
Allow my life.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Friday, 4 March 2011
040311 ♥ x
Im tired so i ceebs to write that muchh, buttttttttt;
You made me happy.
Thank you :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
You made me happy.
Thank you :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
010311 ♥ x
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX BEST.
I LOVE YOU.
I already wrote you like a 7 page long text, WHICH YOU COMPLANED ABOUT
I HOPE YOU HAD AN AMAZING DAY, and enjoyed my doughnut!
It was beautiful no?! :D
And me and TC are like, back to liking each other.
Were odd children.
So the aftermath which was a mess sorted itself out.
Which is good :)
Tuesday free today was good ^^
I spent time with TC and TM.
It was good! :D
I love it when TC hugs me ^^
Its like, an amazingly good hug
And we were waiting for TM a couple of times and wed be holding hands and like, hehh :)
And TM's actually like a 6 year old kid hahaha ^^
Imma happy bunny.
And im glad i make him happy too, the silly munchkins all like, smiley again, its good.
Does that make me sound big headed?
Like i make him smiley, i dont really mean that, but he was all smiley today!
Heh :)
And AS and MG were properly watching us hug T_T
Odd perverted children.
Awkward turtle.. ><
LOL AT MG TODAY
Singing FLOWER INCANTATION!
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
I actually know the words now...
Im not gonna lie.
Its actually ridiculous, ive been singing it all day now T_T
Aish..
Im so tired, and my hairs proper greasytings today.
Its cos like, im nearly blobbed, and you when youre blobbed your hormones go funnys?
But at least i dont turn into a monster and get some odd mood changes LOL
ITS ALL AS' FAULT MAN.
SHES BARE BLOBBED AND SHES LIKE SYNCING ME COS WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER!
LOOL!
Cos you know when girls are always together, their hormones sync and so they blob at the same time?
Yeahhh.
So now blob hormones are entering and they make my hair greasier easier.
Its just unfunny.
LOL ^^
Yet im still laughing... i must be in a good mood...
Mmm, im sleepy...
I used over 3100 texts in February.
Jeez..
NIGHTTT!
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
I LOVE YOU.
I already wrote you like a 7 page long text, WHICH YOU COMPLANED ABOUT
I HOPE YOU HAD AN AMAZING DAY, and enjoyed my doughnut!
It was beautiful no?! :D
And me and TC are like, back to liking each other.
Were odd children.
So the aftermath which was a mess sorted itself out.
Which is good :)
Tuesday free today was good ^^
I spent time with TC and TM.
It was good! :D
I love it when TC hugs me ^^
Its like, an amazingly good hug
And we were waiting for TM a couple of times and wed be holding hands and like, hehh :)
And TM's actually like a 6 year old kid hahaha ^^
Imma happy bunny.
And im glad i make him happy too, the silly munchkins all like, smiley again, its good.
Does that make me sound big headed?
Like i make him smiley, i dont really mean that, but he was all smiley today!
Heh :)
And AS and MG were properly watching us hug T_T
Odd perverted children.
Awkward turtle.. ><
LOL AT MG TODAY
Singing FLOWER INCANTATION!
HAHAHAHAHHAHA
I actually know the words now...
Im not gonna lie.
Its actually ridiculous, ive been singing it all day now T_T
Aish..
Im so tired, and my hairs proper greasytings today.
Its cos like, im nearly blobbed, and you when youre blobbed your hormones go funnys?
But at least i dont turn into a monster and get some odd mood changes LOL
ITS ALL AS' FAULT MAN.
SHES BARE BLOBBED AND SHES LIKE SYNCING ME COS WERE ALWAYS TOGETHER!
LOOL!
Cos you know when girls are always together, their hormones sync and so they blob at the same time?
Yeahhh.
So now blob hormones are entering and they make my hair greasier easier.
Its just unfunny.
LOL ^^
Yet im still laughing... i must be in a good mood...
Mmm, im sleepy...
I used over 3100 texts in February.
Jeez..
NIGHTTT!
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Sunday, 27 February 2011
270211 ♥ x
Its already the second last day of February!
ALREADY.
AHHH.
Im so freaking emotional AND IM NOT EVEN BLOBBED.
AS is though >:]
Second day, do i sound like a stalker?!
WELL SHE TOLD MEEE!
Shes even more emotional and shes bare like a monsterrrrrrrr D= <3
SHES LIKE, RARARARAR ^^
Hahahaaa :)
Its so fucking messed upp.
My life is a mess.
FUDGE POOS.
Okaii, so what was i meant to talk about?
OH YEAH!
I was meant to blog about Thursday :)
Thursday was the birthday party of my beautiful AB, shes not 18 till the 1st though, shes still young for another day :)
So me and AS wake up at like 12 and eat some lunch rarar, KEBABBBBTINGSSS.
Were fat, AND WHAT.
Then we start bumming about not really doing much
Then i get really organised and start packing my stuff and ironing my clothes >:]
Cos im just THAT cool.
Ummm, so then me and AS get to the party at 5 and we get ready with AB and stuff :)
We took lots of pictures and so on so forth ^^
Its us, of course were gonna take loads of pictures.
RK arrives around 6:30?
Star whipping the Malibu outtttt, WHATS NEWWW?! :D
RK's bought Smirnoff Ice, but i didnt have any.
AB was all: "ITS NOT FAIR, IM MEANT TO BE THE HOTTEST, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Idiot, she looked soooo hot <3
Then at 7, TM arrived with beer and he helped me blow up the balloons, which can i say, people stepped on and burst in the first like, hour T_T
Others started arriving after and im like, nearly as tall as JF!
Turns out hes a lot taller than i thought o.O
Cos i had like 4 inch heels on and he was still taller than me! o.O
Then the party properly starts lalala and TC's bare in some next mood.
I offered them drink but theyre like nooooo, corr fine thennn!
Then me and JF went outside with TM and TC was outside
He gave me some attempted hug cos he said hed hug me at AB's beforehand.
Then i insulted him, cant remember with what LMAO
Then he walked away so i walked after him, and we ended up sitting on the curb.
Were talking, laughing, and just sitting there like, comfortable in the silence and then suddenly hes holding my hand...
Whilst other people are there as well...
Im like whutttt?
And then RK comes out and shes pissed and shes like: "TC, KISS HERRRR!"
Oh cringeeeee, we were both like, awkward turtle...
LMAO
So were like, anyway moving on...
Then we walked inside and sat on the benchy thing by the door and AB came and sat next to me :)
Me and TC were holding hands and people were properly asking if we were together, we'd both say no, but like he said, we looked like the exact opposite.
Then we walked outside again and we sit on the curb again.
We were talking, and i guess its a good thing that we were able to like, get time to talk properly inna sense.
Then suddenly we kissed?
I dont even know how it happened, it just did.
And we both pulled away and im like, this is bad...
And hes like, it is.
But then, we end up doing it again?
And again after that?
Thing is, it felt right.
And like TC said, if we didnt feel something, then surely we wouldnt have kept doing it..
Then i stuck my tongue out at him and he stuck his tongue out at me and our tongues like touched, hahaha, it was kinda cute.
JS was like, YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE, hahaha, it was kinda awkward.
Then theres freddy the frog omggg!
IT WAS A SQUASHED FROG ON THE ROAD, REALLY REALLY FLAT ><
And TC bought me to see it, its guts were all spilled everywhere =s
And then i wanted to take a picture and TC like bent over me and like, took a picture of it with me, it was so saddddd!
We ended spending like 2 hours together outside.
Then it comes to TC, FH, AS and JF going homeeee.
I came down in my pjs and i was hopping around inna sleeping bag >:]
TC put his arm around my waist and he smiled at me.
Then when he left, we hugged, it felt weird hugging him.
Even after kissing him, i dunno.
Maybe cos we used to always hug and then we stopped for ages.
Ahhhhhh.
The aftermath is now really messy.
Were both confused, and he doesnt know what he wants.
I have a feeling this isnt gonna go in my favour again, but its not like i had expected the kiss to happen anyways, so i guess i didnt even see an aftermath coming.
I just know it felt right and that theres something between us.
It felt right.
Ahhhhhhhhh ><
Something that feels so right shouldnt be so wrong.
2 people who have this attraction shouldnt be at such a disadvantage.
We talked about a lotta stuff, but il blog about that tomorrow, i gotta sleep.
School tomorrow, i cba.
Aish, nighttt.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
ALREADY.
AHHH.
Im so freaking emotional AND IM NOT EVEN BLOBBED.
AS is though >:]
Second day, do i sound like a stalker?!
WELL SHE TOLD MEEE!
Shes even more emotional and shes bare like a monsterrrrrrrr D= <3
SHES LIKE, RARARARAR ^^
Hahahaaa :)
Its so fucking messed upp.
My life is a mess.
FUDGE POOS.
Okaii, so what was i meant to talk about?
OH YEAH!
I was meant to blog about Thursday :)
Thursday was the birthday party of my beautiful AB, shes not 18 till the 1st though, shes still young for another day :)
So me and AS wake up at like 12 and eat some lunch rarar, KEBABBBBTINGSSS.
Were fat, AND WHAT.
Then we start bumming about not really doing much
Then i get really organised and start packing my stuff and ironing my clothes >:]
Cos im just THAT cool.
Ummm, so then me and AS get to the party at 5 and we get ready with AB and stuff :)
We took lots of pictures and so on so forth ^^
Its us, of course were gonna take loads of pictures.
RK arrives around 6:30?
Star whipping the Malibu outtttt, WHATS NEWWW?! :D
RK's bought Smirnoff Ice, but i didnt have any.
AB was all: "ITS NOT FAIR, IM MEANT TO BE THE HOTTEST, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!"
Idiot, she looked soooo hot <3
Then at 7, TM arrived with beer and he helped me blow up the balloons, which can i say, people stepped on and burst in the first like, hour T_T
Others started arriving after and im like, nearly as tall as JF!
Turns out hes a lot taller than i thought o.O
Cos i had like 4 inch heels on and he was still taller than me! o.O
Then the party properly starts lalala and TC's bare in some next mood.
I offered them drink but theyre like nooooo, corr fine thennn!
Then me and JF went outside with TM and TC was outside
He gave me some attempted hug cos he said hed hug me at AB's beforehand.
Then i insulted him, cant remember with what LMAO
Then he walked away so i walked after him, and we ended up sitting on the curb.
Were talking, laughing, and just sitting there like, comfortable in the silence and then suddenly hes holding my hand...
Whilst other people are there as well...
Im like whutttt?
And then RK comes out and shes pissed and shes like: "TC, KISS HERRRR!"
Oh cringeeeee, we were both like, awkward turtle...
LMAO
So were like, anyway moving on...
Then we walked inside and sat on the benchy thing by the door and AB came and sat next to me :)
Me and TC were holding hands and people were properly asking if we were together, we'd both say no, but like he said, we looked like the exact opposite.
Then we walked outside again and we sit on the curb again.
We were talking, and i guess its a good thing that we were able to like, get time to talk properly inna sense.
Then suddenly we kissed?
I dont even know how it happened, it just did.
And we both pulled away and im like, this is bad...
And hes like, it is.
But then, we end up doing it again?
And again after that?
Thing is, it felt right.
And like TC said, if we didnt feel something, then surely we wouldnt have kept doing it..
Then i stuck my tongue out at him and he stuck his tongue out at me and our tongues like touched, hahaha, it was kinda cute.
JS was like, YOU GUYS ARE SO CUTE, hahaha, it was kinda awkward.
Then theres freddy the frog omggg!
IT WAS A SQUASHED FROG ON THE ROAD, REALLY REALLY FLAT ><
And TC bought me to see it, its guts were all spilled everywhere =s
And then i wanted to take a picture and TC like bent over me and like, took a picture of it with me, it was so saddddd!
We ended spending like 2 hours together outside.
Then it comes to TC, FH, AS and JF going homeeee.
I came down in my pjs and i was hopping around inna sleeping bag >:]
TC put his arm around my waist and he smiled at me.
Then when he left, we hugged, it felt weird hugging him.
Even after kissing him, i dunno.
Maybe cos we used to always hug and then we stopped for ages.
Ahhhhhh.
The aftermath is now really messy.
Were both confused, and he doesnt know what he wants.
I have a feeling this isnt gonna go in my favour again, but its not like i had expected the kiss to happen anyways, so i guess i didnt even see an aftermath coming.
I just know it felt right and that theres something between us.
It felt right.
Ahhhhhhhhh ><
Something that feels so right shouldnt be so wrong.
2 people who have this attraction shouldnt be at such a disadvantage.
We talked about a lotta stuff, but il blog about that tomorrow, i gotta sleep.
School tomorrow, i cba.
Aish, nighttt.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Friday, 25 February 2011
250211 ♥ x
Havent blogged for almost a week nowww!
Mmm, some days nothing has happened, and some days, a lot has happened.
Il try going through it day by day, even if its just a little :)
Im getting so distracted today!
AS and TC both texting me, on the SHINee website for some taemin, on tumblr to see what ive missed out on, waiting for the hairdryer, on msn, yeahhh...
OKAI I FINISHED DRYING MY HAIR.
well, my mama finished drying it... but yeah...
Okaii, so Thursday the 17th not much happened i dont think?
I cant really remember o.O
LOL
Had a normal school day really, same old same old!
Friday the 18th!
Last day before half term :)
Ive woken up so early everyday for half term o.O
For no reason ><
Me, RK and CH finish at 9:35 on fridays so me and RK went to Woking cos she wanted to buy her shoes, stupid girl.
Bare didnt listen to me the first day to buy em T_T
SPAZZZZ.
But yeahh, then i left to go to work...
OH YAY...
Saturday the 19th was good, i got up bright and early, at like, 5... T_T
Too early lool!
We left the house and mammy drove me to London Victoria :)
Thank you mammy, i love youuu!
Got the 07:36 with WP and MT to Brightonnn!
Hung out in Brighton until 8:30
Me and Mel did so many trips up the high street cos the others were just smoking shizzle and were good children hahaha ^^
Then we made some long trek of a walk to the pier, was good though!
So yeah, after that, me, MT and WP got the train back to London for Kpop.
Was good seeing CS, i ruffing my oppa rong time ^^
I miss him bareee :(
OPPA, COME TO SEE ME IN ESHER.
Jeeez T_T
Bare making me wait long time tings to see you!
And youre bare not replying on msn, eegoh buyo T_T
Then WP and MT got wasted..
Oh yay mee!
So i looked after them and had to get em back to MT's and LOL that was just lol.
Oh dear.
But we ended up getting back and sleeping at 3:30 am :)
So yeah, nearly a 24 hour day for me!
So i was bloody shattered T_T
Sunday the 20th, i made my way home at like, some time...
Ive forgotten T_T
LOL
But yeah, so i rested up and everything :)
Was good ^^
Monday the 21st, i went to Kingston with AS and AB.
I RUFF THEM ^^ <3
Shopping is a good thing, it makes people happy.
YES SHOPPINGGGG <3
Not gonna lie, spending money makes you feel better, but then after youre like, well this is awkward, when you have no moneys left..
LMAO
Tuesday the 22nd, I bummed around at home, its good just bumming around :)
Watched E4 most of the day..
Mum went out to Kingston with the cousins and Uncle Andy, then they came back home and i entertained the kiddies for a while.
Played a funny board game with them =p
Apparently 5 and 9 year olds dont get that cheating is a nono.
Stealing money from the banker is also okai!
Hahaha, i love them to pieces though, too cutie <3
Then Uncle took them home and he came back so we could all go out for dinner ^^
SOO FULL, wtfudgeeeeeee.
Wednesday the 23rd, Auntie Jenny and the cousins came round, we went to Kingston (again...)
Ate McDondalds (again...)
OH IM SO HEALTHY... :)
Then AS came at 4 and we all watched The Hole together :)
Its scary omgg, dont watch it ><
AND THATS WHY I DONT WATCH SCARY MOVIES.
BUT NOO, MY YOUNGER COUSINS PERSUADED ME TO.
ITS ONLY A 12 AS WELL T_T
But then the cousins left cos Auntie had to work at 6!
So yeahh!
Then me and AS hung out and made Arabian necklaces/foot slings/cats cradles! :)
AS wanted to make toe cats cradle =s
Shes so odd that girl, but i love her <3
We camwhored bareee, whatta surprise! :D
Im tired, so il tell you about Thursday tomorrow.
Its too long to write nowwww.
Night!
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Mmm, some days nothing has happened, and some days, a lot has happened.
Il try going through it day by day, even if its just a little :)
Im getting so distracted today!
AS and TC both texting me, on the SHINee website for some taemin, on tumblr to see what ive missed out on, waiting for the hairdryer, on msn, yeahhh...
OKAI I FINISHED DRYING MY HAIR.
well, my mama finished drying it... but yeah...
Okaii, so Thursday the 17th not much happened i dont think?
I cant really remember o.O
LOL
Had a normal school day really, same old same old!
Friday the 18th!
Last day before half term :)
Ive woken up so early everyday for half term o.O
For no reason ><
Me, RK and CH finish at 9:35 on fridays so me and RK went to Woking cos she wanted to buy her shoes, stupid girl.
Bare didnt listen to me the first day to buy em T_T
SPAZZZZ.
But yeahh, then i left to go to work...
OH YAY...
Saturday the 19th was good, i got up bright and early, at like, 5... T_T
Too early lool!
We left the house and mammy drove me to London Victoria :)
Thank you mammy, i love youuu!
Got the 07:36 with WP and MT to Brightonnn!
Hung out in Brighton until 8:30
Me and Mel did so many trips up the high street cos the others were just smoking shizzle and were good children hahaha ^^
Then we made some long trek of a walk to the pier, was good though!
So yeah, after that, me, MT and WP got the train back to London for Kpop.
Was good seeing CS, i ruffing my oppa rong time ^^
I miss him bareee :(
OPPA, COME TO SEE ME IN ESHER.
Jeeez T_T
Bare making me wait long time tings to see you!
And youre bare not replying on msn, eegoh buyo T_T
Then WP and MT got wasted..
Oh yay mee!
So i looked after them and had to get em back to MT's and LOL that was just lol.
Oh dear.
But we ended up getting back and sleeping at 3:30 am :)
So yeah, nearly a 24 hour day for me!
So i was bloody shattered T_T
Sunday the 20th, i made my way home at like, some time...
Ive forgotten T_T
LOL
But yeah, so i rested up and everything :)
Was good ^^
Monday the 21st, i went to Kingston with AS and AB.
I RUFF THEM ^^ <3
Shopping is a good thing, it makes people happy.
YES SHOPPINGGGG <3
Not gonna lie, spending money makes you feel better, but then after youre like, well this is awkward, when you have no moneys left..
LMAO
Tuesday the 22nd, I bummed around at home, its good just bumming around :)
Watched E4 most of the day..
Mum went out to Kingston with the cousins and Uncle Andy, then they came back home and i entertained the kiddies for a while.
Played a funny board game with them =p
Apparently 5 and 9 year olds dont get that cheating is a nono.
Stealing money from the banker is also okai!
Hahaha, i love them to pieces though, too cutie <3
Then Uncle took them home and he came back so we could all go out for dinner ^^
SOO FULL, wtfudgeeeeeee.
Wednesday the 23rd, Auntie Jenny and the cousins came round, we went to Kingston (again...)
Ate McDondalds (again...)
OH IM SO HEALTHY... :)
Then AS came at 4 and we all watched The Hole together :)
Its scary omgg, dont watch it ><
AND THATS WHY I DONT WATCH SCARY MOVIES.
BUT NOO, MY YOUNGER COUSINS PERSUADED ME TO.
ITS ONLY A 12 AS WELL T_T
But then the cousins left cos Auntie had to work at 6!
So yeahh!
Then me and AS hung out and made Arabian necklaces/foot slings/cats cradles! :)
AS wanted to make toe cats cradle =s
Shes so odd that girl, but i love her <3
We camwhored bareee, whatta surprise! :D
Im tired, so il tell you about Thursday tomorrow.
Its too long to write nowwww.
Night!
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Wednesday, 16 February 2011
160211 ♥ x
Some shittyyy headache todayyy.
Ickkkkkk ><"
Why am i so fucking selfish?
AB feels like she cant talk to me anymore because i have my own issues.
Why doesnt she know that just because i have my own issues, it doesnt mean that i cant listen to hers.
Shes so silly.
I will always be there for you.
No matter what.
You big poo.
Know that even if my issues are so much bigger than they are now, you can come to me and i will be there.
No matter what.
I want you to be okai, i wanna be able to rewind time.
Not just for myself, but for you too.
Back to before all that shit happened to you, so you can always be smiling now.
AS told me that it feels like i dont talk to you guys anymore.
Is that how it feels?
Is that what im doing?
Cos i didnt realise.
I never wanted my problems to get in the way of our friendship, but it seems like it has.
Well thats how it sounds.
Its unfair on you guys.
Im sorry.
Its all my fault.
Please dont blame TC or anything, he hasnt done anythng wrong.
Me being stuck in this hole is not your faults.
Is faults a word?
Hahaha :)
We needa talk.
Properly.
Meh.
Sorry.
AS is so mad at me for responding to him.
But i respond to him because...
I dunno how to say it..
He only texts me when he feels like it anyways.
Or talks to me when it suits him.
My heart hasnt raced like that around him for so long.
But yesterday when i was like, half asleep, he moved the hair outta my face.
Rarr... heartbeat.
2PM should like pop outta somewhere and sing to me.
LOL ^^
Mmm, i explained it, or at least tried to explain it to AS today.
But she didnt wanna listen and shes past caring and i dont really blame her tbh.
The past month has been nothing but crying over him.
Its not really something i can explain.
Its like, im lost.
I dont know who i am.
I dont really know how to describe it.
Its like he wants us but doesnt want us.
Is my heart just being toyed around with?
Baby i just want you back.
My posts on tumblr are so freaking depressing atm.
Farking hell.
It hurts knowing that you might like someone else.
It hurts looking at you.
And not cos youre ugly, LMAOO
Our banter lolol
It hurts because when i look at you, i dont just see you, i see all our memories.
And sometimes, when you look at me the way you do, i have the slightest hope pop up.
But then i dismiss it because like ive said countless times, i dont wanna hope for you.
You mean everything to me, but il just keep that to myself.
Noone else needs to know now.
Like you said, were in the past now.
Its been a month and i still cant get over you.
Aish, whys it so hard?
Most days i wake up, and i dont wanna see anyone.
Sometimes i make up scenarios that will never happen in my head, like, you might just turn up and tell me that you still love me.
But everyone knows that scenarios you make up in your mind hardly ever come true.
I dont wanna see anyone because i dont wanna cry in front of people anymore.
I cried whilst on the phone to AS today, i told her it was my hayfever.
Haha, oldest lie in the book.
But i dont want her to know that i cry over you anymore.
I dont want anyone to know because i dont wanna be selfish, i dont wanna be the way i am.
Thing is, i dont even wanna be me anymore.
Whys it so difficult for me?
Why cant i be one of those girls who just get over guys easily and are like, WOOO the next week?
I cry myself to sleep every night.
Even AS knows this, i can fall asleep in 5 seconds flat.
Now i lie in bed for hours and i cant fall asleep.
Every night before i fall asleep, it hurts.
Every morning i wake up, it hurts.
Youre always in the back of my mind, i wish you werent.
The back of my mind isnt even the back anymore..
Its so fucking prominent.
I know so many people who, have broken up, got back together, again and again.
I guess were just not those types of people.
Because i no longer mean that much to you anymore.
Ive become less responsive myself, but i light up whenever youre around.
I cant base myself around that.
But i have.
I dont blame you for it, at all, its my own choice.
But its also not something i control either.
I dont really know what im thinking half the time anymore.
Everythings become kinda...
A blur to me.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Ickkkkkk ><"
Why am i so fucking selfish?
AB feels like she cant talk to me anymore because i have my own issues.
Why doesnt she know that just because i have my own issues, it doesnt mean that i cant listen to hers.
Shes so silly.
I will always be there for you.
No matter what.
You big poo.
Know that even if my issues are so much bigger than they are now, you can come to me and i will be there.
No matter what.
I want you to be okai, i wanna be able to rewind time.
Not just for myself, but for you too.
Back to before all that shit happened to you, so you can always be smiling now.
AS told me that it feels like i dont talk to you guys anymore.
Is that how it feels?
Is that what im doing?
Cos i didnt realise.
I never wanted my problems to get in the way of our friendship, but it seems like it has.
Well thats how it sounds.
Its unfair on you guys.
Im sorry.
Its all my fault.
Please dont blame TC or anything, he hasnt done anythng wrong.
Me being stuck in this hole is not your faults.
Is faults a word?
Hahaha :)
We needa talk.
Properly.
Meh.
Sorry.
AS is so mad at me for responding to him.
But i respond to him because...
I dunno how to say it..
He only texts me when he feels like it anyways.
Or talks to me when it suits him.
My heart hasnt raced like that around him for so long.
But yesterday when i was like, half asleep, he moved the hair outta my face.
Rarr... heartbeat.
2PM should like pop outta somewhere and sing to me.
LOL ^^
Mmm, i explained it, or at least tried to explain it to AS today.
But she didnt wanna listen and shes past caring and i dont really blame her tbh.
The past month has been nothing but crying over him.
Its not really something i can explain.
Its like, im lost.
I dont know who i am.
I dont really know how to describe it.
Its like he wants us but doesnt want us.
Is my heart just being toyed around with?
Baby i just want you back.
My posts on tumblr are so freaking depressing atm.
Farking hell.
It hurts knowing that you might like someone else.
It hurts looking at you.
And not cos youre ugly, LMAOO
Our banter lolol
It hurts because when i look at you, i dont just see you, i see all our memories.
And sometimes, when you look at me the way you do, i have the slightest hope pop up.
But then i dismiss it because like ive said countless times, i dont wanna hope for you.
You mean everything to me, but il just keep that to myself.
Noone else needs to know now.
Like you said, were in the past now.
Its been a month and i still cant get over you.
Aish, whys it so hard?
Most days i wake up, and i dont wanna see anyone.
Sometimes i make up scenarios that will never happen in my head, like, you might just turn up and tell me that you still love me.
But everyone knows that scenarios you make up in your mind hardly ever come true.
I dont wanna see anyone because i dont wanna cry in front of people anymore.
I cried whilst on the phone to AS today, i told her it was my hayfever.
Haha, oldest lie in the book.
But i dont want her to know that i cry over you anymore.
I dont want anyone to know because i dont wanna be selfish, i dont wanna be the way i am.
Thing is, i dont even wanna be me anymore.
Whys it so difficult for me?
Why cant i be one of those girls who just get over guys easily and are like, WOOO the next week?
I cry myself to sleep every night.
Even AS knows this, i can fall asleep in 5 seconds flat.
Now i lie in bed for hours and i cant fall asleep.
Every night before i fall asleep, it hurts.
Every morning i wake up, it hurts.
Youre always in the back of my mind, i wish you werent.
The back of my mind isnt even the back anymore..
Its so fucking prominent.
I know so many people who, have broken up, got back together, again and again.
I guess were just not those types of people.
Because i no longer mean that much to you anymore.
Ive become less responsive myself, but i light up whenever youre around.
I cant base myself around that.
But i have.
I dont blame you for it, at all, its my own choice.
But its also not something i control either.
I dont really know what im thinking half the time anymore.
Everythings become kinda...
A blur to me.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Tuesday, 15 February 2011
150211 ♥ x
Chingu, you wont text back.
What did i do?
I know you said dont come crying to you when something bad happens.
Am i annoying you that much?
Im sorry.
I dont mean to annoy you =s
I promised myself i wouldnt cry anymore.
But i cant help but cry cos youre all off with me.
What did i do?
Please tell me.
I always seem to be upsetting you nowadays.
Because either im not sitting with you or because.. of other things.
But i honestly dont think anything of it anymore.
I promise.
I wonder but i dont think.
I honestly just know that were friends.
So please can you not be like this?
Im sorry for making you upset.
Its probably best if i stop bothering you for now cos i know that if i ask, you wont wanna open up cos it was really difficult the last time you did that.
But i just wanna stop making you upset.
Im sorry for my actions.
I apologise.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT
What did i do?
I know you said dont come crying to you when something bad happens.
Am i annoying you that much?
Im sorry.
I dont mean to annoy you =s
I promised myself i wouldnt cry anymore.
But i cant help but cry cos youre all off with me.
What did i do?
Please tell me.
I always seem to be upsetting you nowadays.
Because either im not sitting with you or because.. of other things.
But i honestly dont think anything of it anymore.
I promise.
I wonder but i dont think.
I honestly just know that were friends.
So please can you not be like this?
Im sorry for making you upset.
Its probably best if i stop bothering you for now cos i know that if i ask, you wont wanna open up cos it was really difficult the last time you did that.
But i just wanna stop making you upset.
Im sorry for my actions.
I apologise.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTT
150211 ♥ x
SO.
MUCH.
BULLSHIT.
Not even lying.
SO MUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT.
ST and AC gotta stop arguing.
AC stop being a wanker.
Shuun jai, i love you.
I do.
But you gotta realise that ST is using nobody.
Youre breaking us up.
Please dont break us up.
This is really stupid but i actually cried.
I cant have two of my closest friends, arguing over the craziest shit.
ST isnt in the wrong, i know this, so shuun jai, you gotta man up and apologise.
Whatever issues you have with her, just say them out loud!
If youre right, you know that maamaa will be on your side.
But if youre wrong, you also know that maamaa will tell you that youre wrong.
Please please please, we gotta talk it outtt.
Please, im begging you, as a maamaa, a mama.
Please please please.
And now that KL's suddenly got fucking involved, everythings just turning even shittier.
ST, you gotta know that KL isnt involved cos she fucking cares.
Who are we shitting kidding?
She just wants to see AC get ripped to shreds.
We all know that.
And JW?
Whys she getting involved for?
Everyone whos anyone knows that she was pining over AC for like a fucking lightyear and bare got dramatic about it.
So now she just wants revenge on him.
ST, take it from someone who cares about you, trust her, but dont trust her.
You get me?
I dunnoes if you do..
Like, take what she says to your brain, sure.
But dont take it to your heart.
I tried that once, well, we all know what happened to that.
So im not saying base what happened to us on your friendship
I know that ST, you have never had a real big thing against KL, but just be careful.
Thats all im asking.
AC, you normally always listen to me, whats happened to you?
Youve become so distant and like, different?
Whats wrong?
Is something up?
Cos youre not you.
Maamaa still loves you so so much, even if youve been a poo.
ST, you.are.not.fat.
You are beautiful.
My beautiful daughter who i will always love and cherish.
Dont let things that AC says to you hurt you.
We all know that hes like the little kid of our family and he says things he doesnt mean.
Were like, the perfect friendship group.
Others might not think so, but i think were pretty damned good for each other.
Were actually like a real family.
I dont think ive had such a big friendship "group" for so long and to think that were gonna be friends forever.
Sure, i have my best friends, of course, who doesnt?
Im sure you guys have your other best friends at school and what not, but youre like my second family.
We have all our generations.
MT right at the top there ^^
We all have our own place in this circle and we need each other.
Try disagree with me and il killl you >:]
I was never close to WP or AW before.
Im not gonna lie, and i think they know this too.
At first, when KL was still part of our group, i can honestly say, i never wouldve thought to myself "WP and AW are gonna be 2 of THE most prominent people in my life."
Because well, honestly?
We werent that close.
We hadnt even spoken properly.
We were mutual friends of KL's.
Who hardly knew each other.
We were like, hi, bye friends.
But now i can say, there is not a day that goes by, where i dont hope that each and EVERY ONE of you is happy.
Smiling.
Having an amazing day.
Because if you guys are happy, so am i.
They now mean, so so much to me.
Its weird, going from nothing, to nearly everything.
WP was one of the people outta our whole group, that i cried to over a boy.
I think till this day, shes still the only one.
That might show that i trust people too easily.
But i dont think i made a bad choice.
She is now one of my closest friends.
And noone could ever replace her.
AW has heard me out.
This past month, i cant have been easy.
Droning on, and on about TC.
Im sorry AW, you must be getting shit bored, but i feel comfortable talking to you about it.
Youre here.
And i appreciate it so much more than you may know.
And the others, RO, KCL, not mentioned much but still mean the same to me..
I think without one of you, i dont even know what id do.
BUT LUNG SIEW YUT GOR.
ST and AC, you know what that means lah.
Say no more.
So please just get rid of your differences.
Im begging you.
Ive never asked for much before, i beg you.
Please.
You cant deny that we have fun together.
We do.
What the shit happened then?
And dont gimme those ridiculous answers like "Hes a cunt." "Shes a bitch"
Dont gimme that.
Call me someone who doesnt understand, but you know, i probably do understand.
Gimme real reasons, and then maybe il analyse it.
You both mean, the world to me.
Honestly, i dont think the worlds big enough.
Try galaxy...
I never excelled in science, allow me.
But please, from the bottom of my heart.
I dont wanna cry about being scared that imma lose my friends because of this misunderstanding again.
I love you guys.
Thats all i wanted to say.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
MUCH.
BULLSHIT.
Not even lying.
SO MUCH FUCKING BULLSHIT.
ST and AC gotta stop arguing.
AC stop being a wanker.
Shuun jai, i love you.
I do.
But you gotta realise that ST is using nobody.
Youre breaking us up.
Please dont break us up.
This is really stupid but i actually cried.
I cant have two of my closest friends, arguing over the craziest shit.
ST isnt in the wrong, i know this, so shuun jai, you gotta man up and apologise.
Whatever issues you have with her, just say them out loud!
If youre right, you know that maamaa will be on your side.
But if youre wrong, you also know that maamaa will tell you that youre wrong.
Please please please, we gotta talk it outtt.
Please, im begging you, as a maamaa, a mama.
Please please please.
And now that KL's suddenly got fucking involved, everythings just turning even shittier.
ST, you gotta know that KL isnt involved cos she fucking cares.
Who are we shitting kidding?
She just wants to see AC get ripped to shreds.
We all know that.
And JW?
Whys she getting involved for?
Everyone whos anyone knows that she was pining over AC for like a fucking lightyear and bare got dramatic about it.
So now she just wants revenge on him.
ST, take it from someone who cares about you, trust her, but dont trust her.
You get me?
I dunnoes if you do..
Like, take what she says to your brain, sure.
But dont take it to your heart.
I tried that once, well, we all know what happened to that.
So im not saying base what happened to us on your friendship
I know that ST, you have never had a real big thing against KL, but just be careful.
Thats all im asking.
AC, you normally always listen to me, whats happened to you?
Youve become so distant and like, different?
Whats wrong?
Is something up?
Cos youre not you.
Maamaa still loves you so so much, even if youve been a poo.
ST, you.are.not.fat.
You are beautiful.
My beautiful daughter who i will always love and cherish.
Dont let things that AC says to you hurt you.
We all know that hes like the little kid of our family and he says things he doesnt mean.
Were like, the perfect friendship group.
Others might not think so, but i think were pretty damned good for each other.
Were actually like a real family.
I dont think ive had such a big friendship "group" for so long and to think that were gonna be friends forever.
Sure, i have my best friends, of course, who doesnt?
Im sure you guys have your other best friends at school and what not, but youre like my second family.
We have all our generations.
MT right at the top there ^^
We all have our own place in this circle and we need each other.
Try disagree with me and il killl you >:]
I was never close to WP or AW before.
Im not gonna lie, and i think they know this too.
At first, when KL was still part of our group, i can honestly say, i never wouldve thought to myself "WP and AW are gonna be 2 of THE most prominent people in my life."
Because well, honestly?
We werent that close.
We hadnt even spoken properly.
We were mutual friends of KL's.
Who hardly knew each other.
We were like, hi, bye friends.
But now i can say, there is not a day that goes by, where i dont hope that each and EVERY ONE of you is happy.
Smiling.
Having an amazing day.
Because if you guys are happy, so am i.
They now mean, so so much to me.
Its weird, going from nothing, to nearly everything.
WP was one of the people outta our whole group, that i cried to over a boy.
I think till this day, shes still the only one.
That might show that i trust people too easily.
But i dont think i made a bad choice.
She is now one of my closest friends.
And noone could ever replace her.
AW has heard me out.
This past month, i cant have been easy.
Droning on, and on about TC.
Im sorry AW, you must be getting shit bored, but i feel comfortable talking to you about it.
Youre here.
And i appreciate it so much more than you may know.
And the others, RO, KCL, not mentioned much but still mean the same to me..
I think without one of you, i dont even know what id do.
BUT LUNG SIEW YUT GOR.
ST and AC, you know what that means lah.
Say no more.
So please just get rid of your differences.
Im begging you.
Ive never asked for much before, i beg you.
Please.
You cant deny that we have fun together.
We do.
What the shit happened then?
And dont gimme those ridiculous answers like "Hes a cunt." "Shes a bitch"
Dont gimme that.
Call me someone who doesnt understand, but you know, i probably do understand.
Gimme real reasons, and then maybe il analyse it.
You both mean, the world to me.
Honestly, i dont think the worlds big enough.
Try galaxy...
I never excelled in science, allow me.
But please, from the bottom of my heart.
I dont wanna cry about being scared that imma lose my friends because of this misunderstanding again.
I love you guys.
Thats all i wanted to say.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Sunday, 13 February 2011
130211 ♥ x
Hahaha, ive done no work.
Well done D! ><"
Ive had 2 days of just, pj's and duvet and dvd's and yeah... :)
Its valentines day tomorrow...
Oh yay.
Theyre right when they say that its a way to make single people feel like crap.
I dont think id care as much if it wasnt for the fact that im not just single, but im single cos i wasnt good enough.
I hate missing you so much baby.
I hate myself for missing you so much.
I cant even answer myself when i ask how long its gonna take me.
I fell pretty deep.
Too deep i think.
I nearly texted you that today...
Not the fact that i missed you T_T
I would never say that to you anymore.
Because, quote you: "[You] dont like like [me]"
Whenever we have our banter, its like, were us.
Hahha, banters funny, i said you look like an alien, LMAOOOOOOOOOOO
Gosh im so funny.
But whenever you get like, playfully mad at me, i always start to write "babyy, you know im kidding"
Then i remember that youre not longer my baby, because, well, obvious reasons really.
So instead i just type, "hehe im kidding"
Because im trying this thing where i control my feelings.
Its not working out great, i cant control my feelings.
Its like you bring them out of me.
Im trying my hardest, i am :)
And when you say things which i overthink, i kinda mentally slap myself to show that it doesnt mean anything.
Bubby, if were meant to be, were meant to be, but because you cant see that, im just gonna tell myself that were not meant to be.
Even though i know different.
I say: "Its not like you care"
Does that mean you dont actually care seeing as you avoided it?
Im probably just overthinking again.
I cant help but think of our past.
I wanna forget it.
But i know in time, when i am over it, il smile when i think of the memories.
Dont get me, i smile now, but it slowly turns into tears.
And my smile fades.
Because i remember what we used to be.
And it hurts.
Especially when, youre the last person on my mind before i sleep.
I dont choose to have you on my mind you know?
I wish that the person last on my mind could be taemin, therefore, id dream about him!
But hes not, because hes not my reality.
In the future maybe, but not right now.
And i hate dreaming about you, because... when i wake up, i think its real and its not.
And what sucks most is that in my dreams, were still together.
And in some, were not, and i wake up crying.
Well that fucking sucks.
LOL T_T
I wish i could control my dreams.
Not possible though.
You say that im the first thing on your mind whenever you wake up.
Did you say that cos its true or cos you feel bad?
If i had the same person on my mind whenever i woke up, id realise that theres a reason for that occurance.
But if you cant realise it then i cant ask you to.
Because you say you have your reasons and i gotta believe that.
Cos what else do i believe?
But im happy being the way we are right now, so you know..
I just worry that you get annoyed that i text you...
And that youre just texting back cos you feel bad not doing so.
That wouldnt be so good..
Mmm...
S'long as youre happy.
SLONG.
HAHAHA ITS LIKE SCHLONG.
Oh god my mind ><"
LOLOL, GET CLEAN MIND >:]
HAHAHAHHAHAAAA
Im properly laughing, LMAOOO ^^
Oh dear...
LOLOLOL :)
Im in some hyper mood
Hehehhehehe ^^
Over and OUTTTTTTT
Well done D! ><"
Ive had 2 days of just, pj's and duvet and dvd's and yeah... :)
Its valentines day tomorrow...
Oh yay.
Theyre right when they say that its a way to make single people feel like crap.
I dont think id care as much if it wasnt for the fact that im not just single, but im single cos i wasnt good enough.
I hate missing you so much baby.
I hate myself for missing you so much.
I cant even answer myself when i ask how long its gonna take me.
I fell pretty deep.
Too deep i think.
I nearly texted you that today...
Not the fact that i missed you T_T
I would never say that to you anymore.
Because, quote you: "[You] dont like like [me]"
Whenever we have our banter, its like, were us.
Hahha, banters funny, i said you look like an alien, LMAOOOOOOOOOOO
Gosh im so funny.
But whenever you get like, playfully mad at me, i always start to write "babyy, you know im kidding"
Then i remember that youre not longer my baby, because, well, obvious reasons really.
So instead i just type, "hehe im kidding"
Because im trying this thing where i control my feelings.
Its not working out great, i cant control my feelings.
Its like you bring them out of me.
Im trying my hardest, i am :)
And when you say things which i overthink, i kinda mentally slap myself to show that it doesnt mean anything.
Bubby, if were meant to be, were meant to be, but because you cant see that, im just gonna tell myself that were not meant to be.
Even though i know different.
I say: "Its not like you care"
Does that mean you dont actually care seeing as you avoided it?
Im probably just overthinking again.
I cant help but think of our past.
I wanna forget it.
But i know in time, when i am over it, il smile when i think of the memories.
Dont get me, i smile now, but it slowly turns into tears.
And my smile fades.
Because i remember what we used to be.
And it hurts.
Especially when, youre the last person on my mind before i sleep.
I dont choose to have you on my mind you know?
I wish that the person last on my mind could be taemin, therefore, id dream about him!
But hes not, because hes not my reality.
In the future maybe, but not right now.
And i hate dreaming about you, because... when i wake up, i think its real and its not.
And what sucks most is that in my dreams, were still together.
And in some, were not, and i wake up crying.
Well that fucking sucks.
LOL T_T
I wish i could control my dreams.
Not possible though.
You say that im the first thing on your mind whenever you wake up.
Did you say that cos its true or cos you feel bad?
If i had the same person on my mind whenever i woke up, id realise that theres a reason for that occurance.
But if you cant realise it then i cant ask you to.
Because you say you have your reasons and i gotta believe that.
Cos what else do i believe?
But im happy being the way we are right now, so you know..
I just worry that you get annoyed that i text you...
And that youre just texting back cos you feel bad not doing so.
That wouldnt be so good..
Mmm...
S'long as youre happy.
SLONG.
HAHAHA ITS LIKE SCHLONG.
Oh god my mind ><"
LOLOL, GET CLEAN MIND >:]
HAHAHAHHAHAAAA
Im properly laughing, LMAOOO ^^
Oh dear...
LOLOLOL :)
Im in some hyper mood
Hehehhehehe ^^
Over and OUTTTTTTT
♥
Friday, 11 February 2011
110211 ♥ x
Finished school well early today seeing as its Friday.
WHY CANT I SLEEP WHEN I GET HOMEE?! :(
I needa sleep before work, but i get hungry and eat instead, then i cant sleep cos i just ate >:]
Hahaha ^^
Imma so sillyyyyyyyy.
Finally TC told me his secret last night.
I really want it to work, but i cant force anything.
Are people in this world ever lucky enough to get a second chance at things as amazing as what we had?
Or is that only in dramas that ive watched?
Haha, i needa stop watching dramas ^^
HAVING SAID THAT, i JUST finished Brown Sugar Macchiatooo, its sooo cutieeee ^^
Everyone ended up happy, typical drama ending haha :)
So yeah, the secret...
How do i put this?
Even after everything i said yesterday, theres more i wanna say.
He doesnt have to not be around me as much.
He misses us, but why does "us" have to be in the past?
It doesnt have to be in the past.
Hes finding it hard to adjust to life without me by his side, he doesnt have to adjust to life without me by his side.
WHATS HE ON?!
DRUGSSS.
LSD.
LOL LSD ^^
No seriously though, hes sucha bigg poooo.
You massivee pooo.
Aishhhhhhh.
Rararararar ^^
TC:
I wanna be able to say: "Sorry for writing all that stuff yesterday"
But im not sorry.
Because it came from the heart and i was right.
We both know that i was.
We made each other happy.
So i honestly cant say that im apologetic for what i wrote.
Well, sorry if it made you feel bad, but if it didnt make you feel bad, then im not sorry.
Cos i got it out of me, and i was honest with you.
Like i used to be.
You were so much happier when we were us.
Cant you just fit the pieces together and realise that were happier together?
Well anyways, you didnt text last night and were really quiet.
I cant say i didnt expect that.
You automatically do that when you dont know what to do.
Im expecting you to avoid it and dismiss it, but i wish you wouldnt.
Im expecting you to pretend that you never said what you said to me which triggered me to say what i did.
Im just gonna give you time to think.
Cos youre like that nowadays ><"
Avoiding it or dismissing it isnt gonna fix it.
I wanna know how youre feeling.
AS said you whacked her back today.
That shows youre happier.
Which is good :)
But are you happier cos i texted you telling you to be happy and you just wanna get over it now or whether its cos you realised i was right in everything i said?
Cos if youre happy just cos you realised i was right, then im happy for you, but if youre happy because you want things back, then just tell me.
But i dont think that thats what il be hearing, that you want it all back.
I wish it was, but i dunno, meh.
But like i said, as long as youre happy, then its okai.
Il be fine, just smile baby, because you need to, its what suits you best.
The big smile on your face that used to let me know that you were happier than anyone else in the world.
I have work tonight, eurghhh, cee bee ayy.
Nemnemnem.
CEEBSS :)
But whatever, lets make some moneys yeah ^^
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
WHY CANT I SLEEP WHEN I GET HOMEE?! :(
I needa sleep before work, but i get hungry and eat instead, then i cant sleep cos i just ate >:]
Hahaha ^^
Imma so sillyyyyyyyy.
Finally TC told me his secret last night.
I really want it to work, but i cant force anything.
Are people in this world ever lucky enough to get a second chance at things as amazing as what we had?
Or is that only in dramas that ive watched?
Haha, i needa stop watching dramas ^^
HAVING SAID THAT, i JUST finished Brown Sugar Macchiatooo, its sooo cutieeee ^^
Everyone ended up happy, typical drama ending haha :)
So yeah, the secret...
How do i put this?
Even after everything i said yesterday, theres more i wanna say.
He doesnt have to not be around me as much.
He misses us, but why does "us" have to be in the past?
It doesnt have to be in the past.
Hes finding it hard to adjust to life without me by his side, he doesnt have to adjust to life without me by his side.
WHATS HE ON?!
DRUGSSS.
LSD.
LOL LSD ^^
No seriously though, hes sucha bigg poooo.
You massivee pooo.
Aishhhhhhh.
Rararararar ^^
TC:
I wanna be able to say: "Sorry for writing all that stuff yesterday"
But im not sorry.
Because it came from the heart and i was right.
We both know that i was.
We made each other happy.
So i honestly cant say that im apologetic for what i wrote.
Well, sorry if it made you feel bad, but if it didnt make you feel bad, then im not sorry.
Cos i got it out of me, and i was honest with you.
Like i used to be.
You were so much happier when we were us.
Cant you just fit the pieces together and realise that were happier together?
Well anyways, you didnt text last night and were really quiet.
I cant say i didnt expect that.
You automatically do that when you dont know what to do.
Im expecting you to avoid it and dismiss it, but i wish you wouldnt.
Im expecting you to pretend that you never said what you said to me which triggered me to say what i did.
Im just gonna give you time to think.
Cos youre like that nowadays ><"
Avoiding it or dismissing it isnt gonna fix it.
I wanna know how youre feeling.
AS said you whacked her back today.
That shows youre happier.
Which is good :)
But are you happier cos i texted you telling you to be happy and you just wanna get over it now or whether its cos you realised i was right in everything i said?
Cos if youre happy just cos you realised i was right, then im happy for you, but if youre happy because you want things back, then just tell me.
But i dont think that thats what il be hearing, that you want it all back.
I wish it was, but i dunno, meh.
But like i said, as long as youre happy, then its okai.
Il be fine, just smile baby, because you need to, its what suits you best.
The big smile on your face that used to let me know that you were happier than anyone else in the world.
I have work tonight, eurghhh, cee bee ayy.
Nemnemnem.
CEEBSS :)
But whatever, lets make some moneys yeah ^^
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Thursday, 10 February 2011
100211 ♥ x
It was pissing down with rain today, pathetic freaking fallacy.
Please make it all stop.
Please.
This isnt fair.
I need him back.
Just the normal old him.
The one who used to smile all the time.
The smile that made everything in the world okai again.
But now he just acts so...
Bland, is that the right choice of word?
I asked him what his secret was today.
I know that somethings up, i can feel it.
I know it.
But i ask him and he shuts up again, saying that he has no secret and that hes fine.
That theres nothing to tell, nothing to spill.
Which is all lies.
I know its all lies.
Just please be honest with me, just tell me whats on your mind.
Please.
You cant just clamp shut.
Is it something thats gonna hurt me?
Cos its not like ive been hurt already, im sure i can take another blow to my heart.
So you might as well just tell me what the poop is up.
Please.
Kai thanks :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Please make it all stop.
Please.
This isnt fair.
I need him back.
Just the normal old him.
The one who used to smile all the time.
The smile that made everything in the world okai again.
But now he just acts so...
Bland, is that the right choice of word?
I asked him what his secret was today.
I know that somethings up, i can feel it.
I know it.
But i ask him and he shuts up again, saying that he has no secret and that hes fine.
That theres nothing to tell, nothing to spill.
Which is all lies.
I know its all lies.
Just please be honest with me, just tell me whats on your mind.
Please.
You cant just clamp shut.
Is it something thats gonna hurt me?
Cos its not like ive been hurt already, im sure i can take another blow to my heart.
So you might as well just tell me what the poop is up.
Please.
Kai thanks :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Wednesday, 9 February 2011
090211 ♥ x
Im sooo tireddddd.
My inbox is baree empty and my battery is baree full, eurghhhhh.
We texted all of last week...
Then the second the whole flirting thing happened and he boyed me, he hasnt texted.
Oh skeen.
Turning innn, sleepyyyy.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
My inbox is baree empty and my battery is baree full, eurghhhhh.
We texted all of last week...
Then the second the whole flirting thing happened and he boyed me, he hasnt texted.
Oh skeen.
Turning innn, sleepyyyy.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
090211 ♥ x
Question for TC: Are you trying to make me hate you?
Cos youre not succeeding unless you tell me to my face that you want me to hate you.
You know that i just wanted to be friends, i didnt want anything more from you cos you ended it.
So why are you making some fat deal out of it?
Theres so much i wanna say, but i cant even remember it all.
Fudge.
Kai;
You know that im happy just being friends.
Even though it hurt, i was willing to just go with it, as long as you were happy then i was fine.
You said you wanted to be friends, fine.
So i proceeded to just be friends with you, but you didnt make it easy did you?
No, i can answer that for you, you fucking didnt.
You still fucking dont.
Yesterday, after everything happened, you didnt speak to me for the rest of the day.
Today, you walk into the common room, pretending i dont exist.
What the shit is that all about?
Honestly, i wanna know whats running through your mind.
I thought you were perfect, in every way possible.
But apparently i was wrong.
You hurt me, and you continue to hurt me.
If you think that by playing hot and cold with me is gonna make me hate you so i stop liking you, then you have another thing coming.
I agreed to just be friends, and i was willing to let myself get over you, but you just go and do that?
Its not neccessary, we can be friends without you tryna play it hot and cold, its just not needed.
If you know that id wanna be friends anyway then whats the point of all this?
Seriously.
Yeah i love it when it feels like were back to how we were before.
Its fucking amazing, and youre fucking amazing, but that doesnt let me get over you.
What do you want from me?!
At times, i honestly think that you still might like me.
But then i remind myself that you were the one who ended it, not me.
So why does it feel like im the one who has to respond to you whenever you feel like it?
You pick me up when you want and you drop me when you want, what the hell do you want?
Do you still like me or not?
Because the day you broke my heart, i was prepared to get over you, not fast, but i knew that it was something that i had to do.
But you arent letting me, why?
Do you get some weird pleasure out of making me pine over you?
Does it feel good to know that it hurts so much because you are you and ive never felt like this about someone before?
Does it make you feel better knowing that someone cant get over you?
Cos i really doubt youre that type of guy, but youre making me doubt my instincts.
AS says she knows youre not that type of guy either, so what are you doing?
AS agrees with me, if we wanted someone to get over us, we wouldnt flirt with them like that.
Wed just be friends, normal friends.
Act like how we used to and all that.
Sure, weve never been just friends, apart from the very beginning, weve always had banter between us.
Why cant we still banter without you having to piss on my parade the very next day cos it feels like youve said too much?
Do you feel like youve said too much?
Cos you havent.
If you remember all our memories and you bring them up, then you cant blame me for thinking things.
All our memories.
Meh.
AS thinks that were not just friends, but she cant figure out what we are, its good to know that someone else feels the same way.
Cos were not just friends are we?
But i dunno what we are.
Maybe you needa tell me.
KL kinda just disregarded stuff i said and she was kinda on your side.
If it makes you happier, her being on your side, then i can deal with that, but shes saying how you might feel that you can flirt with me and i cant flirt with you.
Whats that all about?
Cos thats gonna make me hate you... (sarcasm)
Its not is it?
You know its not.
And thats not fair either.
Especially when you know what weve been through.
But then its like you cant control your character around me and you act like how you used to, the real you, and then the next day youll just freaking ignore me.
Does that make you feel happy?
Or are you trying to upset me on purpose?
Cos trust me when i say, its not making me hate you, its making me hate me.
Usually i think KL's right in everything, because shes so smart and she just knows, you know?
Like, minho knows.
But i cant help but think, theres more to this than whats being told.
I just know.
Why is it so hard to just tell me whats on your mind?
You close up so much.
Please just talk to me, properly, like the mature *COUGH* people that we are.
KL says that maybe youre scared that what i gave you for valentines was cos i still like you.
OH COME ON, dont flatter yourself please :)
I gave everyone one.
And the one i gave you, didnt mean anything more, its cos everyone thats close to me got one.
Aishhhh, please dont think that you were special just cos i gave you one too, its not like that anymore, i gave up on the fact that youd want me back already, ick.
So theres no need to be scared, cos i am not gonna make you fall in love with me again, as much as i wish i could, im not gonna try because i just want you to smile.
And why are you scared anyways?
We loved each other, end of.
You loved me, i loved you, and you made me smile the most, you made me realise that i had feelings that i didnt even know existed.
Happiness wasnt a word id use to describe what you gave me, because a whole new level of happiness was reached whenever you were around.
What did i do wrong?
You said you loved me too, yet you let me go.
How does that even work?
You were someone i was proud to talk to my parents about, and proud to say, yeah, i like him, and even when AS was always like, gahhh ive been scarred (harharhar) id say, yeah well... we werent doing anything :)
But deep down, whenever we held hands or like, hugged, id secretly be the happiest girl in the world.
I mean, are you gonna ignore me in stats tomorrow again?
Or are you gonna decide to talk to me again?
Cos i just wanna know.
Please either stop this, or make me feel like i used to. Properly. No games, no nothing, just us.
Please just dont flirt with me loads and let me think that you might still like me the slightest bit even if i dont have hope and its just a gut feeling.
Cos it hurts, because whenever you make me feel that way, im always preparing myself to be ignored for the next few days.
Cos thats just how you are these days.
You flirt bareeee, then just, ignore bareee.
And its mean.
You dont even respond to AS anymore, like in the way she whacks you, and all that jazz.
Before, youd whack back, and be responsive.
And thats how we knew that you were you.
In a way.
Youre so unresponsive.
Yet when were alone, you couldnt be more responsive if you tried.
Is that cos you dont wanna be a loner?
Cos even if you didnt wanna be a loner, you dont have to feed me shizzle.
And if you didnt like someone, surely you wouldnt go and feed them food.
Especially not when youve had a past.
Otherwise thats just harsh.
Which i dont believe you are.
Is it possible that i was the only one to feel that we still have something?
Tell me if it is.
I know imma flirt, and i admit it, but even i dont do that, and apparently my flirting is like, way up there.
I really wish youd open up.
You told me that you chose to move on.
And that it was up to me now whether i got over you or not.
But you say that, yet i still feel something there, and not just on my part.
Am i wrong?
Because its like youve said youve moved on but are those your true feelings?
Cos i know, theres more than meets the eye.
I know there is.
Its a shame youd never read this stuff.
Cos maybe once youd read it, you might start to talk to me about it and not just clamp up.
I wanna know whats running through your head.
Even as friends i have a right to know right?
Cos you cant deny that we were once, the closest.
Even if that was in the past, cos you made it.
Might sleep early tonight, i hate thinking about this shit.
It just makes me hate myself for not being good enough.
And for not being able to not overthink.
Cos i admit i overthink, but this time, its not even my fault that im overthinking.
Just please talk to me about what you want.
And speak true from your heart.
Please.
But seeing as youll never see this, i dont see it happening and il just have to do some guesswork.
Eurgh, please.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Cos youre not succeeding unless you tell me to my face that you want me to hate you.
You know that i just wanted to be friends, i didnt want anything more from you cos you ended it.
So why are you making some fat deal out of it?
Theres so much i wanna say, but i cant even remember it all.
Fudge.
Kai;
You know that im happy just being friends.
Even though it hurt, i was willing to just go with it, as long as you were happy then i was fine.
You said you wanted to be friends, fine.
So i proceeded to just be friends with you, but you didnt make it easy did you?
No, i can answer that for you, you fucking didnt.
You still fucking dont.
Yesterday, after everything happened, you didnt speak to me for the rest of the day.
Today, you walk into the common room, pretending i dont exist.
What the shit is that all about?
Honestly, i wanna know whats running through your mind.
I thought you were perfect, in every way possible.
But apparently i was wrong.
You hurt me, and you continue to hurt me.
If you think that by playing hot and cold with me is gonna make me hate you so i stop liking you, then you have another thing coming.
I agreed to just be friends, and i was willing to let myself get over you, but you just go and do that?
Its not neccessary, we can be friends without you tryna play it hot and cold, its just not needed.
If you know that id wanna be friends anyway then whats the point of all this?
Seriously.
Yeah i love it when it feels like were back to how we were before.
Its fucking amazing, and youre fucking amazing, but that doesnt let me get over you.
What do you want from me?!
At times, i honestly think that you still might like me.
But then i remind myself that you were the one who ended it, not me.
So why does it feel like im the one who has to respond to you whenever you feel like it?
You pick me up when you want and you drop me when you want, what the hell do you want?
Do you still like me or not?
Because the day you broke my heart, i was prepared to get over you, not fast, but i knew that it was something that i had to do.
But you arent letting me, why?
Do you get some weird pleasure out of making me pine over you?
Does it feel good to know that it hurts so much because you are you and ive never felt like this about someone before?
Does it make you feel better knowing that someone cant get over you?
Cos i really doubt youre that type of guy, but youre making me doubt my instincts.
AS says she knows youre not that type of guy either, so what are you doing?
AS agrees with me, if we wanted someone to get over us, we wouldnt flirt with them like that.
Wed just be friends, normal friends.
Act like how we used to and all that.
Sure, weve never been just friends, apart from the very beginning, weve always had banter between us.
Why cant we still banter without you having to piss on my parade the very next day cos it feels like youve said too much?
Do you feel like youve said too much?
Cos you havent.
If you remember all our memories and you bring them up, then you cant blame me for thinking things.
All our memories.
Meh.
AS thinks that were not just friends, but she cant figure out what we are, its good to know that someone else feels the same way.
Cos were not just friends are we?
But i dunno what we are.
Maybe you needa tell me.
KL kinda just disregarded stuff i said and she was kinda on your side.
If it makes you happier, her being on your side, then i can deal with that, but shes saying how you might feel that you can flirt with me and i cant flirt with you.
Whats that all about?
Cos thats gonna make me hate you... (sarcasm)
Its not is it?
You know its not.
And thats not fair either.
Especially when you know what weve been through.
But then its like you cant control your character around me and you act like how you used to, the real you, and then the next day youll just freaking ignore me.
Does that make you feel happy?
Or are you trying to upset me on purpose?
Cos trust me when i say, its not making me hate you, its making me hate me.
Usually i think KL's right in everything, because shes so smart and she just knows, you know?
Like, minho knows.
But i cant help but think, theres more to this than whats being told.
I just know.
Why is it so hard to just tell me whats on your mind?
You close up so much.
Please just talk to me, properly, like the mature *COUGH* people that we are.
KL says that maybe youre scared that what i gave you for valentines was cos i still like you.
OH COME ON, dont flatter yourself please :)
I gave everyone one.
And the one i gave you, didnt mean anything more, its cos everyone thats close to me got one.
Aishhhh, please dont think that you were special just cos i gave you one too, its not like that anymore, i gave up on the fact that youd want me back already, ick.
So theres no need to be scared, cos i am not gonna make you fall in love with me again, as much as i wish i could, im not gonna try because i just want you to smile.
And why are you scared anyways?
We loved each other, end of.
You loved me, i loved you, and you made me smile the most, you made me realise that i had feelings that i didnt even know existed.
Happiness wasnt a word id use to describe what you gave me, because a whole new level of happiness was reached whenever you were around.
What did i do wrong?
You said you loved me too, yet you let me go.
How does that even work?
You were someone i was proud to talk to my parents about, and proud to say, yeah, i like him, and even when AS was always like, gahhh ive been scarred (harharhar) id say, yeah well... we werent doing anything :)
But deep down, whenever we held hands or like, hugged, id secretly be the happiest girl in the world.
I mean, are you gonna ignore me in stats tomorrow again?
Or are you gonna decide to talk to me again?
Cos i just wanna know.
Please either stop this, or make me feel like i used to. Properly. No games, no nothing, just us.
Please just dont flirt with me loads and let me think that you might still like me the slightest bit even if i dont have hope and its just a gut feeling.
Cos it hurts, because whenever you make me feel that way, im always preparing myself to be ignored for the next few days.
Cos thats just how you are these days.
You flirt bareeee, then just, ignore bareee.
And its mean.
You dont even respond to AS anymore, like in the way she whacks you, and all that jazz.
Before, youd whack back, and be responsive.
And thats how we knew that you were you.
In a way.
Youre so unresponsive.
Yet when were alone, you couldnt be more responsive if you tried.
Is that cos you dont wanna be a loner?
Cos even if you didnt wanna be a loner, you dont have to feed me shizzle.
And if you didnt like someone, surely you wouldnt go and feed them food.
Especially not when youve had a past.
Otherwise thats just harsh.
Which i dont believe you are.
Is it possible that i was the only one to feel that we still have something?
Tell me if it is.
I know imma flirt, and i admit it, but even i dont do that, and apparently my flirting is like, way up there.
I really wish youd open up.
You told me that you chose to move on.
And that it was up to me now whether i got over you or not.
But you say that, yet i still feel something there, and not just on my part.
Am i wrong?
Because its like youve said youve moved on but are those your true feelings?
Cos i know, theres more than meets the eye.
I know there is.
Its a shame youd never read this stuff.
Cos maybe once youd read it, you might start to talk to me about it and not just clamp up.
I wanna know whats running through your head.
Even as friends i have a right to know right?
Cos you cant deny that we were once, the closest.
Even if that was in the past, cos you made it.
Might sleep early tonight, i hate thinking about this shit.
It just makes me hate myself for not being good enough.
And for not being able to not overthink.
Cos i admit i overthink, but this time, its not even my fault that im overthinking.
Just please talk to me about what you want.
And speak true from your heart.
Please.
But seeing as youll never see this, i dont see it happening and il just have to do some guesswork.
Eurgh, please.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Tuesday, 8 February 2011
080211 ♥ x
Picture perfect memories, scattered all around the floor.
Reaching for the phone cause, I can't fight it any more.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
Another shot of whiskey, can't stop looking at the door.
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before.
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind.
For me it happens all the time.
It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
I said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I guess I'd rather hurt than feel nothing at all.
It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now.
And I said I wouldn't call, but I'm a little drunk and I need you now.
And I don't know how I can do without, I just need you now.
I just need you now.
Oh baby I need you now.
Beautiful song.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTT
♥
080211 ♥ x
Havent blogged for a while, i should really get down to itt :)
Got some maths hw to get to, so i gotta freaking blog fast.
Bloggings never fast though T_T
It was soo sunny todayy ^^
It was so good!
Like, warm, but then it got cold again ><" T_T
HAD LATE CNY DINNER WITH FAMILY THIS WEEKEND/LAST WEEKEND.
As in the 6th ^^
I bought valentines presents for my friends and a rice bowl and stickers ^^
But it meant that i didnt get to go to kpop and see my friends :(
I MISS MY Sma²rk~dw *cries*
God im so distracted by tumblr.
Im talking to mel, she makes everything right again ^^
Its weird how like, shes younger than me, yet she has the ability to make me smile again, maybe cos shes my mama, i love you melly ^^
Aishhh, i wanna see them, and just be able to let it all out.
Of course the friends at school are always there for me, my besties too, but its like, different you know?
Cos they dont go to my school, i can let it out whenever, theres only a limit as to how much i can cry at school, cos hell be there.
Thank you mel, winnie and austen, for being here.
For being here for me, even though you dunno whats going on fully.
I am so lucky to have yo uguys.
Thank you Carlos, for making me laugh when im down and for being here even when im like, unresponsive, lmaoo ><"
Or when im ranting PROPERRR, and youre still here for me, you dont know how much it means when you text me to check if im okai, cos its good to know that youre here, even if your hugs are unfeelable right now.
Gomawo.
ALLOW YOU AS FOR NOT HAVING INTERNET, HOW THE HELL AM I MEANT TO SKYPE YOU WOMAN?! T_T
SKEEEEN.
My hoodie smells like him.
Eurghhh, get away smelllll.
Why do you smell like him?
STOP SMELLING :(
He was all odd at school today
Early in the morning i gave my friends their early valentines day presents ^^
Theyre so freaking cute.
RARRR ^^
I love emmm, but theyre kinda crappy
But theyre cute, so allow me >:]
I give him his and hes unresponsive.
Okai, be like that then, i just dismissed it, i had business to get to.
Then comes our Tuesday free, i was doing english at the beginning, we were gonna go to town after i finished it.
BS wanted to go first, i told him to go, but he said no.
I finished english and the minute we get outta school, he starts to cheer up cos hes been all mehhh in school.
Im glad he cheered up, its good when he smiles, when hes all bleh it scares me.
I was playing with my bubbles and he was smiling at me, laughing at me, not like, a mean laugh, as in like, you know..
I started blowing bubbles at his face, it was pretty funny, nothing came out T_T
GAYYY.
He then like, grabbed me and blew at my face ahahaha, we started having some blowing war LMAO
And we were laughing, he seemed genuinely happy.
It was good seeing him happy, hes not usually like that anymore which really sucks.
In the park i was making shadows cos of the sun, it was so fun ^^
I was as tall as the tree hehehehe :)
And he was laughing with me, and it was cute.
At starbucks, he ordered a drink and he asked if i wanted any whipped cream from the top.
I said no, because i get scared to get too close anymore becuase im scared of being hurt.
He then like, fed it to me.
It felt like the past, like everything was the same, before he broke my heart.
It felt good, normal, it worked, we worked, we worked today.
Whats he done?
Messing it up and shizzle, we work, everyone knows so.
He doesnt seem to realise.
Which sucks on another level.
We were on the skate ramp bit, and we were lying down, and he was tickling me and hugging me.
Then he goes to sit on the top bit, and he slides down and his legs are either side of me and he tickles me, and hugs me.
Eurghh, it felt good to be there with him, just there.
I cant hate him.
I wish i could, but i cant.
Its so hard.
Because its not just wishful thinking, but i think deep down he still might like me like 1%
It seems like he has some limit.
Like, he flirts his ass off with me, proper acts like we used to, then he reaches a limit, and he cant do it anymore.
Its like once that limits reached, he has to stop.
He has this look in his eye, where he just halts it.
Weve been texting about the whole duvet situation at Fou's sleepover.
He remembers it all, he wanted it all again.
Hes started using pooey again when he speaks, it hurts, but at the same time, it doesnt.
I dont know what to feel.
The second he reaches school, he just stops talking to me, completely ignores me.
He has some like manopausal stages and he takes me for granted.
Im letting him, what am i doing?
I wanna ask him what he wants from me, whether its just me or whether he feels this stuff to.
Why would he hurt me this way?
Whys he playing me?
Why..?
But like, i just dismissed it.
Everything that happened.
But like, was he just doing that cos noone else was there for him to be happy with?
Why would he do that?
What have i done to deserve it?
Eurgh.
Please let me back into your heart.
Please.
Im scared to talk to you about it incase it gets awkward again.
Cos lets face it, it does.
You just ignore me, not that you didnt today anyways.
Dyu know how much it hurt when you threw the present back at me?
Why would you even do that?
You just dont.
Sometimes, you make me so happy, when you text me and we have our banter, haha, it makes me laugh and its like, comforting to know that were still the same two people.
But were not are we?
Youve changed.
Maybe i have too, but youre different.
Yesterday when i told you i wouldnt speak to you by text, dyu know how hard it was for me not to pick up the phone and text you?
And when you spoke to me online, and said that it was stupid that we werent talking, it made me smile so much, cos i knew you were right, it was stupid that we werent talking and of course we argue all the time, but we dont actually argue, not even when everything happened.
I helped you concentrate on your physics, i was well proud :)
At least you got it done ^^
Remember to concentrate next time okai?
I wont be there every time to help you concentrate.
Aish, i wish i could be, but you wont let me, everythings on your terms.
Rarrr, i have maths to do.
LONGGG.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Got some maths hw to get to, so i gotta freaking blog fast.
Bloggings never fast though T_T
It was soo sunny todayy ^^
It was so good!
Like, warm, but then it got cold again ><" T_T
HAD LATE CNY DINNER WITH FAMILY THIS WEEKEND/LAST WEEKEND.
As in the 6th ^^
I bought valentines presents for my friends and a rice bowl and stickers ^^
But it meant that i didnt get to go to kpop and see my friends :(
I MISS MY Sma²rk~dw *cries*
God im so distracted by tumblr.
Im talking to mel, she makes everything right again ^^
Its weird how like, shes younger than me, yet she has the ability to make me smile again, maybe cos shes my mama, i love you melly ^^
Aishhh, i wanna see them, and just be able to let it all out.
Of course the friends at school are always there for me, my besties too, but its like, different you know?
Cos they dont go to my school, i can let it out whenever, theres only a limit as to how much i can cry at school, cos hell be there.
Thank you mel, winnie and austen, for being here.
For being here for me, even though you dunno whats going on fully.
I am so lucky to have yo uguys.
Thank you Carlos, for making me laugh when im down and for being here even when im like, unresponsive, lmaoo ><"
Or when im ranting PROPERRR, and youre still here for me, you dont know how much it means when you text me to check if im okai, cos its good to know that youre here, even if your hugs are unfeelable right now.
Gomawo.
ALLOW YOU AS FOR NOT HAVING INTERNET, HOW THE HELL AM I MEANT TO SKYPE YOU WOMAN?! T_T
SKEEEEN.
My hoodie smells like him.
Eurghhh, get away smelllll.
Why do you smell like him?
STOP SMELLING :(
He was all odd at school today
Early in the morning i gave my friends their early valentines day presents ^^
Theyre so freaking cute.
RARRR ^^
I love emmm, but theyre kinda crappy
But theyre cute, so allow me >:]
I give him his and hes unresponsive.
Okai, be like that then, i just dismissed it, i had business to get to.
Then comes our Tuesday free, i was doing english at the beginning, we were gonna go to town after i finished it.
BS wanted to go first, i told him to go, but he said no.
I finished english and the minute we get outta school, he starts to cheer up cos hes been all mehhh in school.
Im glad he cheered up, its good when he smiles, when hes all bleh it scares me.
I was playing with my bubbles and he was smiling at me, laughing at me, not like, a mean laugh, as in like, you know..
I started blowing bubbles at his face, it was pretty funny, nothing came out T_T
GAYYY.
He then like, grabbed me and blew at my face ahahaha, we started having some blowing war LMAO
And we were laughing, he seemed genuinely happy.
It was good seeing him happy, hes not usually like that anymore which really sucks.
In the park i was making shadows cos of the sun, it was so fun ^^
I was as tall as the tree hehehehe :)
And he was laughing with me, and it was cute.
At starbucks, he ordered a drink and he asked if i wanted any whipped cream from the top.
I said no, because i get scared to get too close anymore becuase im scared of being hurt.
He then like, fed it to me.
It felt like the past, like everything was the same, before he broke my heart.
It felt good, normal, it worked, we worked, we worked today.
Whats he done?
Messing it up and shizzle, we work, everyone knows so.
He doesnt seem to realise.
Which sucks on another level.
We were on the skate ramp bit, and we were lying down, and he was tickling me and hugging me.
Then he goes to sit on the top bit, and he slides down and his legs are either side of me and he tickles me, and hugs me.
Eurghh, it felt good to be there with him, just there.
I cant hate him.
I wish i could, but i cant.
Its so hard.
Because its not just wishful thinking, but i think deep down he still might like me like 1%
It seems like he has some limit.
Like, he flirts his ass off with me, proper acts like we used to, then he reaches a limit, and he cant do it anymore.
Its like once that limits reached, he has to stop.
He has this look in his eye, where he just halts it.
Weve been texting about the whole duvet situation at Fou's sleepover.
He remembers it all, he wanted it all again.
Hes started using pooey again when he speaks, it hurts, but at the same time, it doesnt.
I dont know what to feel.
The second he reaches school, he just stops talking to me, completely ignores me.
He has some like manopausal stages and he takes me for granted.
Im letting him, what am i doing?
I wanna ask him what he wants from me, whether its just me or whether he feels this stuff to.
Why would he hurt me this way?
Whys he playing me?
Why..?
But like, i just dismissed it.
Everything that happened.
But like, was he just doing that cos noone else was there for him to be happy with?
Why would he do that?
What have i done to deserve it?
Eurgh.
Please let me back into your heart.
Please.
Im scared to talk to you about it incase it gets awkward again.
Cos lets face it, it does.
You just ignore me, not that you didnt today anyways.
Dyu know how much it hurt when you threw the present back at me?
Why would you even do that?
You just dont.
Sometimes, you make me so happy, when you text me and we have our banter, haha, it makes me laugh and its like, comforting to know that were still the same two people.
But were not are we?
Youve changed.
Maybe i have too, but youre different.
Yesterday when i told you i wouldnt speak to you by text, dyu know how hard it was for me not to pick up the phone and text you?
And when you spoke to me online, and said that it was stupid that we werent talking, it made me smile so much, cos i knew you were right, it was stupid that we werent talking and of course we argue all the time, but we dont actually argue, not even when everything happened.
I helped you concentrate on your physics, i was well proud :)
At least you got it done ^^
Remember to concentrate next time okai?
I wont be there every time to help you concentrate.
Aish, i wish i could be, but you wont let me, everythings on your terms.
Rarrr, i have maths to do.
LONGGG.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Saturday, 5 February 2011
050211 ♥ x
Oh poo holes.
Thats all i have to say today
LMAO ^^
Ohh, apart from the fact that i got one bill a work last night for £123!
I was well proud >:]
Rarar, it was so busy!
Worked overtime, daddy says i dont get anything cos its our own business, LMAO
Thanks dadd T_T
But yeah, thats all i had to say..
Aish.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Thats all i have to say today
LMAO ^^
Ohh, apart from the fact that i got one bill a work last night for £123!
I was well proud >:]
Rarar, it was so busy!
Worked overtime, daddy says i dont get anything cos its our own business, LMAO
Thanks dadd T_T
But yeah, thats all i had to say..
Aish.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Thursday, 3 February 2011
030211 ♥ x
HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEARRR EVERYONEEEEE! :)
Its been a happy dayy!
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY CNY! :D
Hehehehe
Yay red pockets and all the rest of the shizzle!
LMAO AT TC who got 5 canadian dollars from his maamaa
Awwws, so cute ^^
GONG HEI FAT CHOI
LAI SEE DOU LOI (harharhar!)
SUN LEEN FAI LOK
SUN TAI GEEN HONG
SUM SEURNG SEE SING
HOK YEEP JUN BO
MAN SEE YUU YEE
YUT LEEN BEI YUT LEEN LENG
Ahhhh im so tired todayyyy ><
Hmphhhhhhh.
Stats is longggggg ><
Sos maths.
Sos business.
Ickickick!
But a one period day tomorrow! :)
Meaning i start at 8:30 and finish at 9:35...
YEAHHHHH ^^
Today was an okai day though :)
We get on better now, its good, friends is good.
Im cool.
Its okai, :)
Smiles all round please? :)
Sorry todays so short, might go sleep soon though, TIREDDDDD!
Over and OUTTTTTTTTT
Its been a happy dayy!
HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY CNY! :D
Hehehehe
Yay red pockets and all the rest of the shizzle!
LMAO AT TC who got 5 canadian dollars from his maamaa
Awwws, so cute ^^
GONG HEI FAT CHOI
LAI SEE DOU LOI (harharhar!)
SUN LEEN FAI LOK
SUN TAI GEEN HONG
SUM SEURNG SEE SING
HOK YEEP JUN BO
MAN SEE YUU YEE
YUT LEEN BEI YUT LEEN LENG
Ahhhh im so tired todayyyy ><
Hmphhhhhhh.
Stats is longggggg ><
Sos maths.
Sos business.
Ickickick!
But a one period day tomorrow! :)
Meaning i start at 8:30 and finish at 9:35...
YEAHHHHH ^^
Today was an okai day though :)
We get on better now, its good, friends is good.
Im cool.
Its okai, :)
Smiles all round please? :)
Sorry todays so short, might go sleep soon though, TIREDDDDD!
Over and OUTTTTTTTTT
Wednesday, 2 February 2011
020211 ♥ x
Ooo i havent blogged since January ended!
OOO!
Its the month of valentines day this month...
AFTER CNY! :D
CNY im excited about, but valentines day?
Not so much.
Its making me depressed cos i dont have one T_T
NEMNEMNEM.
GOD IVE DONE NO STATS D=
LOLOL ><
BUT I GOTTA NEW PHONE, soo ermmmm, i dont care atm ^^
WHITE BLACKBERRY BOLD 9780
Its beautiful :)
ALAINE MOVED HOUSE TODAY!
Like, her first day in her house
LUCKY BISH! ^^
IMMA GO AND SIT THERE FOREVER HARHARHAR <3
Went to have an early CNY dinner last nighttt, yummy stuff, not gonna lieee ^^
But i gotta tummyache after for eating so much D=
LMAOO IM SO FAT :)
And todayyyyy, i am having chickennnn, nummyyy ^^
UMUMUM, today was a good day :)
CT then maths...
Oh the joys of those two subjects!
But its not bad, co-ordinate geometry is my friend sometimes!
CT unit 4 looks like a bitch though, sooo, gotta step up the work ethic!
And then i got home at around 1 and bummed round till about now, thats the way! :D
Mmm, yesterdayyy was Tuesday righttt?! :D
Yeah it wasss, and that means that me, TC and TM went to the park and starbucks in our freee.
It was freaking FREEZING.
Im not even lying, it was like, BRRRRR D=
Yeahh, and TM kept hugging me T_T
Odd child.
And TC was being kinda distant.
And just plain mean, but then thats nothing new, LMAO
But there was this part when we were lying on the skate bit, it reminded me of fous, and at that moment i just wanted to like, hug him, and yeah...
And i just couldnt, cos its over.
Eurghhh.
As im changing phones, i typed up all the saved texts from him onto my computer and ive like, printed it and folded it and put it into the jam jar.
Its like, stuffed now LMAO
All the randomest things..
Baby, dyu remember the time we were lying on fous sofa?
And we were holding hands?
And it was like, 4am?
And... it was like, the best moment of my life?
Cos i remember it.
I wish i couldnt remember it sometimes.
I dunno.
Do you miss me?
Just wondering.
I WANT MY PHONE TO FINISH CHARGING GODDAMNIT T_T <3
COME ONNNN :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
OOO!
Its the month of valentines day this month...
AFTER CNY! :D
CNY im excited about, but valentines day?
Not so much.
Its making me depressed cos i dont have one T_T
NEMNEMNEM.
GOD IVE DONE NO STATS D=
LOLOL ><
BUT I GOTTA NEW PHONE, soo ermmmm, i dont care atm ^^
WHITE BLACKBERRY BOLD 9780
Its beautiful :)
ALAINE MOVED HOUSE TODAY!
Like, her first day in her house
LUCKY BISH! ^^
IMMA GO AND SIT THERE FOREVER HARHARHAR <3
Went to have an early CNY dinner last nighttt, yummy stuff, not gonna lieee ^^
But i gotta tummyache after for eating so much D=
LMAOO IM SO FAT :)
And todayyyyy, i am having chickennnn, nummyyy ^^
UMUMUM, today was a good day :)
CT then maths...
Oh the joys of those two subjects!
But its not bad, co-ordinate geometry is my friend sometimes!
CT unit 4 looks like a bitch though, sooo, gotta step up the work ethic!
And then i got home at around 1 and bummed round till about now, thats the way! :D
Mmm, yesterdayyy was Tuesday righttt?! :D
Yeah it wasss, and that means that me, TC and TM went to the park and starbucks in our freee.
It was freaking FREEZING.
Im not even lying, it was like, BRRRRR D=
Yeahh, and TM kept hugging me T_T
Odd child.
And TC was being kinda distant.
And just plain mean, but then thats nothing new, LMAO
But there was this part when we were lying on the skate bit, it reminded me of fous, and at that moment i just wanted to like, hug him, and yeah...
And i just couldnt, cos its over.
Eurghhh.
As im changing phones, i typed up all the saved texts from him onto my computer and ive like, printed it and folded it and put it into the jam jar.
Its like, stuffed now LMAO
All the randomest things..
Baby, dyu remember the time we were lying on fous sofa?
And we were holding hands?
And it was like, 4am?
And... it was like, the best moment of my life?
Cos i remember it.
I wish i couldnt remember it sometimes.
I dunno.
Do you miss me?
Just wondering.
I WANT MY PHONE TO FINISH CHARGING GODDAMNIT T_T <3
COME ONNNN :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Sunday, 30 January 2011
300111 ♥ x
Is it me or do i blog too much?
Anywayssssss, me and my mama went shopping today :)
Yeahyeahhh ^^
Hollister didnt have a queue?
I was like, WHUT YOU SERIOUS?!
LMAOOO, what a freaking revolution or whatever!
And i might be getting a blackberry :)
WOOO ^^
KFC FOR LUNCH, nomnom <3
Im starting to think clearly now :)
Im happier ^^
Like, i still question what happened and why it happened and how it happened.
And why is still such a prominent word in my head, but whats done is done, and i cant change that, because the way he feels can be changed by nobody but himself.
So yeah...
I wish, but i know i wont receive.
YEAHYEAHHH BEING HAPPY.
Hahaha yeahyeah reminds me of nev the bear in Bear Behaving Badly on CBBC...
LOL SHUSH I STILL WATCH CBBC T_T <3
But yeahh, smileee :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTT
Anywayssssss, me and my mama went shopping today :)
Yeahyeahhh ^^
Hollister didnt have a queue?
I was like, WHUT YOU SERIOUS?!
LMAOOO, what a freaking revolution or whatever!
And i might be getting a blackberry :)
WOOO ^^
KFC FOR LUNCH, nomnom <3
Im starting to think clearly now :)
Im happier ^^
Like, i still question what happened and why it happened and how it happened.
And why is still such a prominent word in my head, but whats done is done, and i cant change that, because the way he feels can be changed by nobody but himself.
So yeah...
I wish, but i know i wont receive.
YEAHYEAHHH BEING HAPPY.
Hahaha yeahyeah reminds me of nev the bear in Bear Behaving Badly on CBBC...
LOL SHUSH I STILL WATCH CBBC T_T <3
But yeahh, smileee :)
Over and OUTTTTTTTTT
♥
300111 ♥ x
Fuck it, you know?
So what if he gives other people x's?
I cant care about it.
So.Fucking.What?
Hes moved on anyway, theres nothing left for me, so why do i care?
I cant care.
I cant.
I gotta stop caring.
Ick.
Wow, who knew this wouldve messed me up so bad?
Who wouldve freaking guessed.
Screw it.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
So what if he gives other people x's?
I cant care about it.
So.Fucking.What?
Hes moved on anyway, theres nothing left for me, so why do i care?
I cant care.
I cant.
I gotta stop caring.
Ick.
Wow, who knew this wouldve messed me up so bad?
Who wouldve freaking guessed.
Screw it.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
300111 ♥ x
LMAO, had THE ODDEST dream last night =s
It was kinda funny...
TC was dressed as captain jack sparrow from POTC?
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I have no idea why...?
And we were on cam, and his kitchen was HUGE?
And then his mum walks by, but its not his mum?
Its an english lady...
But i knew it was his mum?
LMAO, im like "whut?" when i wake up
HAHAHAHAHA
You know how like, girls do count the amounts of x's boys give?
Its actually so true.
My god...
Im on some next paranoia thing right now.
Its so gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
WAEYOOOOOOO :(
Chincha gay, jesussss.
Hes started giving out x's like theyre free shizzle from down the road, LMAO
Some weird example ^o)
STILL.
And he never did before?
And i dont mean to me either..
So now im like? :/
Oh man...
STOP THINKING WOMAN.
STOP BLOODY THINKING.
EURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
My brain should just stop working right about now.
Please.
Im pretty sure hes forgotten about our memories, when on the other hand, im sat here, suddenly remembering them at random times all the time.
Its true what NH said, how guys get over girls so much easier than the other way round.
Girls think and dwell and what not, and true, you could just choose not to do that, but its hard.
You have to be really strong for that, and im just, well im just not.
Im also pretty sure that hes completely over me now, cos the more he wants be over something, the more hell be over it, cos hes determined like that, one of the reasons i liked him so much.
Mmm...
If only i was like that.
FUDGE SAKES MANNN.
What he says and does really affects me, it like hits a nerve thats reserved just for him.
It should right?
It shouldnt go anywhere near my nerve, i shouldnt even have one OMDZZZZZ T_T
I never used to care, its like, my trust levels have decreased so much.
I used to trust people like, ridiculous amounts.
Now, its like, i cant trust to save my life.
Allow this heartbreak, its so messed up.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
It was kinda funny...
TC was dressed as captain jack sparrow from POTC?
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL
I have no idea why...?
And we were on cam, and his kitchen was HUGE?
And then his mum walks by, but its not his mum?
Its an english lady...
But i knew it was his mum?
LMAO, im like "whut?" when i wake up
HAHAHAHAHA
You know how like, girls do count the amounts of x's boys give?
Its actually so true.
My god...
Im on some next paranoia thing right now.
Its so gayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy.
WAEYOOOOOOO :(
Chincha gay, jesussss.
Hes started giving out x's like theyre free shizzle from down the road, LMAO
Some weird example ^o)
STILL.
And he never did before?
And i dont mean to me either..
So now im like? :/
Oh man...
STOP THINKING WOMAN.
STOP BLOODY THINKING.
EURGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
My brain should just stop working right about now.
Please.
Im pretty sure hes forgotten about our memories, when on the other hand, im sat here, suddenly remembering them at random times all the time.
Its true what NH said, how guys get over girls so much easier than the other way round.
Girls think and dwell and what not, and true, you could just choose not to do that, but its hard.
You have to be really strong for that, and im just, well im just not.
Im also pretty sure that hes completely over me now, cos the more he wants be over something, the more hell be over it, cos hes determined like that, one of the reasons i liked him so much.
Mmm...
If only i was like that.
FUDGE SAKES MANNN.
What he says and does really affects me, it like hits a nerve thats reserved just for him.
It should right?
It shouldnt go anywhere near my nerve, i shouldnt even have one OMDZZZZZ T_T
I never used to care, its like, my trust levels have decreased so much.
I used to trust people like, ridiculous amounts.
Now, its like, i cant trust to save my life.
Allow this heartbreak, its so messed up.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
290111 ♥ x
Work makes me tiredddd
Sillinesssss ><
AS thinks im not alright, I AMMM, i promSIEEE :)
And TO MY AS, WELL DONE BABYYYYYYYYYY <3
FOR GETTING AN OFFER FROM BRUNEL
I TOLD YOU THEYD COME ROLLING IN, AND YOU DIDNT TRUST ME.
Always trust my gut.
Say no more.
Kekeke, seee ^^
Now we can go to uni together!
Although its not your first choice, cos you got better places to go T_T
So WHATEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR, say no moreee.
BUT STILL, CONGRATULATIONSS, i ruff youu ^^
Anddd, its weird, i cant believe its only saturday?
Well sunday, but yeah...
The weekends go so slowly now...
Maybe cos ive got work in the evening now?
But surely that would make it go by faster?
I dunnoes, weekends go so slow and i just want the week to come faster cos i have nothing to look forward to at home...
I wait for the week, and yeah...
Ive never felt weekends go this slowly before, ever.
Maybe its the want that i possess right now?
Dunnoes.
I dont even know why im complaining about slow going weekends, but im scared its for a reason.
I dont even know the reason.
FEDGE THIS.
But AS, this does not mean im not okai T_T
Im just confused, doesnt mean im not fine you massive poo <3
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Sillinesssss ><
AS thinks im not alright, I AMMM, i promSIEEE :)
And TO MY AS, WELL DONE BABYYYYYYYYYY <3
FOR GETTING AN OFFER FROM BRUNEL
I TOLD YOU THEYD COME ROLLING IN, AND YOU DIDNT TRUST ME.
Always trust my gut.
Say no more.
Kekeke, seee ^^
Now we can go to uni together!
Although its not your first choice, cos you got better places to go T_T
So WHATEVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR, say no moreee.
BUT STILL, CONGRATULATIONSS, i ruff youu ^^
Anddd, its weird, i cant believe its only saturday?
Well sunday, but yeah...
The weekends go so slowly now...
Maybe cos ive got work in the evening now?
But surely that would make it go by faster?
I dunnoes, weekends go so slow and i just want the week to come faster cos i have nothing to look forward to at home...
I wait for the week, and yeah...
Ive never felt weekends go this slowly before, ever.
Maybe its the want that i possess right now?
Dunnoes.
I dont even know why im complaining about slow going weekends, but im scared its for a reason.
I dont even know the reason.
FEDGE THIS.
But AS, this does not mean im not okai T_T
Im just confused, doesnt mean im not fine you massive poo <3
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Saturday, 29 January 2011
290111 ♥ x
Did i blog yesterday?
I cant remember =s
I think i did ^^
I cant believe its nearly the end of January already...
Its gone well fast, plus, i keep thinking its February already =s
Hmmm...
LOOL ><
I woke up well early this morning, but i lay in bed for like 2 hours cos im lazy like that
And i did something bare stupid ><
I read TC's texts
The ones ive had saved in my folder on my phone, cos they were uber cute and made me love him even more.
I havent read them since the day.
And cos i was bored, i read em.
Damn it.
How stupid can i be?
Fudge.
The jam jar's still on the side of my desk
Its got everything that 'belonged to us' in there.
Its like, his jar...?
Its got what he wrote me for my birthday.
Its got his band that i stole off him.
Its got what i made him and then decided it was too girly, LMAO
Most importantly, its got the memories, invisible to the eye, but inevitably there.
Everytime it catches my eye, i smile, its got like, 6 months worth of memories in there.
I want everything back.
To be able to continue making memories with him.
I cant say im over him, cos that would be lying.
Because ultimately, i DO want everything back.
Please God, i want it all back.
I know everything happens for a reason, but this is unfair.
And i know life isnt fair, but this is kinda mean...
No?
Bless AS whos like, she wants me to get it all back too, even if it means her seeing all the gross stuff she had to endure before
Hahaha, awww :) <3
Love you chingu.
Aish, everything, please come back to me.
Please..
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTT
I cant remember =s
I think i did ^^
I cant believe its nearly the end of January already...
Its gone well fast, plus, i keep thinking its February already =s
Hmmm...
LOOL ><
I woke up well early this morning, but i lay in bed for like 2 hours cos im lazy like that
And i did something bare stupid ><
I read TC's texts
The ones ive had saved in my folder on my phone, cos they were uber cute and made me love him even more.
I havent read them since the day.
And cos i was bored, i read em.
Damn it.
How stupid can i be?
Fudge.
The jam jar's still on the side of my desk
Its got everything that 'belonged to us' in there.
Its like, his jar...?
Its got what he wrote me for my birthday.
Its got his band that i stole off him.
Its got what i made him and then decided it was too girly, LMAO
Most importantly, its got the memories, invisible to the eye, but inevitably there.
Everytime it catches my eye, i smile, its got like, 6 months worth of memories in there.
I want everything back.
To be able to continue making memories with him.
I cant say im over him, cos that would be lying.
Because ultimately, i DO want everything back.
Please God, i want it all back.
I know everything happens for a reason, but this is unfair.
And i know life isnt fair, but this is kinda mean...
No?
Bless AS whos like, she wants me to get it all back too, even if it means her seeing all the gross stuff she had to endure before
Hahaha, awww :) <3
Love you chingu.
Aish, everything, please come back to me.
Please..
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Friday, 28 January 2011
280111 ♥ x
Firstly, i forgot to sayyy yesterday thatttt, it was like, remembrance day for those who died in the Holocaust!
Sorry i forgot to say so ><
Secondly, whys tumblr not working?
I needa exhault emotions AISH.
But this place is pretty good for that too
Thirdly; didnt go to school todayyyy
Rararar, there was an exam on and i was like, theres gonna be like 2 of us in there..
And we wouldnt learn anything cos its a single lesson.
Whats the point?
So i didnt go in :)
Plus i had some crappy headache T_T
ICK.
I had the crappiest dream.
In my dream, me and AS were in the airport for some reason?
I have no clue why
And TC was there, and he gave me the massivest (thats notta word but yeah) hug ever.
More massive than hes ever given me before and he was properly looking into my eyes and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards him.
Swear i stopped breathing from happiness cos we werent meant to be together?
And then AS was like, ick D=
LOLOL ^^
Shes sucha cutie <3
And then i randomly texted TC when i was half asleep in my dream saying, bubby i miss you.
And he texted back going, bubby?
And i was like, D= Omg im sorry, that was an accident.
But then he was like, its okai, i miss you too, i really regret everything.
And i was bare haps.
Then i woke up for real and it wasnt real...
*Cries*
Ottokae..?
Why didnt he fight for us?
Why did he give up on me?
Especially when he still loved me.
Aishhhhh...
Work tonight, i CBA.
Like honestly cannot be botheredddddd, imma lazyyy ^^
He didnt text back last night, but oh wellsss, s'not like im not used to it already by now, i kinda just expect him not to text really...
Mehhhh.
Watched like, 5 episodes of MIOBI lmfao, i needa life >:]
KEKEKEKE ^^
DADDY BOUGHT ME SUSHI AND ONION RINGS ^^
WOOOOOOOOO!
And im having kebab for dinner.
FATTTYYYYYYYYYYYY <3
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Sorry i forgot to say so ><
Secondly, whys tumblr not working?
I needa exhault emotions AISH.
But this place is pretty good for that too
Thirdly; didnt go to school todayyyy
Rararar, there was an exam on and i was like, theres gonna be like 2 of us in there..
And we wouldnt learn anything cos its a single lesson.
Whats the point?
So i didnt go in :)
Plus i had some crappy headache T_T
ICK.
I had the crappiest dream.
In my dream, me and AS were in the airport for some reason?
I have no clue why
And TC was there, and he gave me the massivest (thats notta word but yeah) hug ever.
More massive than hes ever given me before and he was properly looking into my eyes and he wrapped his arms around me and pulled me towards him.
Swear i stopped breathing from happiness cos we werent meant to be together?
And then AS was like, ick D=
LOLOL ^^
Shes sucha cutie <3
And then i randomly texted TC when i was half asleep in my dream saying, bubby i miss you.
And he texted back going, bubby?
And i was like, D= Omg im sorry, that was an accident.
But then he was like, its okai, i miss you too, i really regret everything.
And i was bare haps.
Then i woke up for real and it wasnt real...
*Cries*
Ottokae..?
Why didnt he fight for us?
Why did he give up on me?
Especially when he still loved me.
Aishhhhh...
Work tonight, i CBA.
Like honestly cannot be botheredddddd, imma lazyyy ^^
He didnt text back last night, but oh wellsss, s'not like im not used to it already by now, i kinda just expect him not to text really...
Mehhhh.
Watched like, 5 episodes of MIOBI lmfao, i needa life >:]
KEKEKEKE ^^
DADDY BOUGHT ME SUSHI AND ONION RINGS ^^
WOOOOOOOOO!
And im having kebab for dinner.
FATTTYYYYYYYYYYYY <3
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Thursday, 27 January 2011
270111 ♥ x
Ive got a sudden.. memory ><
I dont really like it tbh...
I really wanna feel his arms around me.
Why did he choose to give up?
Just why.
Why did he choose to move on?
All these questionsss, my brains like a big question mark.
HAHAHA IMAGINE A BRAIN IN THE SHAPE OF A QUESTION MARK!
Oh im distracted so easily...
I wanna be able to hug him again...
Just as normal friends.
Like, me and JF hug all the time, just as friends, i havent hugged TC for like, a lightyear.
The last day he hugged me was on the day it all happened..
It feels so long ago :(
Why did it all end?
The feeling i had when he used to hug me...
I dont think its describable tbh.
It was like some out of this world feeling, where everything just felt right.
Like it was meant to be.
Aishhh, im on some nostalgic ting atm...
Bet hes doing a maths paper, or his phones spazzed, or hes just boying me
LMAO
But im not getting to upset, i just still wish.
But that doesnt mean i have hope.
Does that make sense to you?
Dunnoes if it does, i might be baffling you LMAO ><
Maybe one day hell realise that he might miss me a tiny bit and take it all back...
But im not gonna long for that day, cos then it means im letting myself have the chance to be disappointed.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
I dont really like it tbh...
I really wanna feel his arms around me.
Why did he choose to give up?
Just why.
Why did he choose to move on?
All these questionsss, my brains like a big question mark.
HAHAHA IMAGINE A BRAIN IN THE SHAPE OF A QUESTION MARK!
Oh im distracted so easily...
I wanna be able to hug him again...
Just as normal friends.
Like, me and JF hug all the time, just as friends, i havent hugged TC for like, a lightyear.
The last day he hugged me was on the day it all happened..
It feels so long ago :(
Why did it all end?
The feeling i had when he used to hug me...
I dont think its describable tbh.
It was like some out of this world feeling, where everything just felt right.
Like it was meant to be.
Aishhh, im on some nostalgic ting atm...
Bet hes doing a maths paper, or his phones spazzed, or hes just boying me
LMAO
But im not getting to upset, i just still wish.
But that doesnt mean i have hope.
Does that make sense to you?
Dunnoes if it does, i might be baffling you LMAO ><
Maybe one day hell realise that he might miss me a tiny bit and take it all back...
But im not gonna long for that day, cos then it means im letting myself have the chance to be disappointed.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
♥
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
260111 ♥ x
AS, you dont understand.
Its because i do trust you that i feel this way.
You think i dont trust you.
Thats the biggest piece of poo ever.
I cant help the way you feel, im sorry for making you feel it in the first place.
But its because i do trust you, that i know i have a higher height to fall from if i get pushed over the edge.
Im not saying that youll shove me over the edge, thats not what im implying, its just, when you trust someone with your everything, it hurts so much more when they take all that trust away.
Just like TC, i trusted him, with my all.
He meant, everything.
And he took it all away.
I can tell you that if i hadnt trusted him with my life, i wouldnt have been nearly half as upset as i was.
But i fell from a greater height.
Im sorry about how i made you feel, it wasnt my intention, please believe me.
I love you chingu.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
Its because i do trust you that i feel this way.
You think i dont trust you.
Thats the biggest piece of poo ever.
I cant help the way you feel, im sorry for making you feel it in the first place.
But its because i do trust you, that i know i have a higher height to fall from if i get pushed over the edge.
Im not saying that youll shove me over the edge, thats not what im implying, its just, when you trust someone with your everything, it hurts so much more when they take all that trust away.
Just like TC, i trusted him, with my all.
He meant, everything.
And he took it all away.
I can tell you that if i hadnt trusted him with my life, i wouldnt have been nearly half as upset as i was.
But i fell from a greater height.
Im sorry about how i made you feel, it wasnt my intention, please believe me.
I love you chingu.
Over and OUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT